Simply Sacred

So many private tears as I've helplessly watched my Superman suffer. Suffering that feels unfair and unjust. I've spent days and weeks pleading for guidance .

Finally a simple thought. Send a letter to the doctor....

I searched for an email and couldn't find one. No send a letter, the old fashion way...

I spent a thoughtful few hours composing my concerns in letter form. One page conveying my deepest heartache. Will I be heard?

 I hung onto the letter for a day and then dropped it at the post office. I waited and wondered over the long weekend, praying I'd done the right thing. You can't un-send snail mail...

Our bishop stopped by over the weekend to give us the sacrament, something I hadn't really thought about, but I was grateful for a bishop who saw a need...

The Bishop arrived in shirt and tie and freshly washed hands and a sacrament tray. Grant was sitting on the couch a spot he had barely moved from in weeks, or is it months? He was in an old t shirt and sweat pants, paint stains and holes and all. Our bishop and I chatted for a few minutes and Grant hardly said a word, lost in his own world.

It was time to administer the sacrament. "So do you want to bless the water, if I bless the bread? " our bishop said without hesitation. The invitation floored me for a split moment. as did Grant's "Well okay." We took the bread in the otherwise empty sacrament tray. And our bishop handed Grant his phone with the sacrament prayers cued, reference, if needed...

Grant's voice was clear but humble as he began the prayer....The spirit flooded our living room and I struggled to keep back my tears as I was reminded that no matter how sick my sweet Superman is he still is a worthy priesthood holder and that his spirit is NOT mentally.

Gratitude also flooded my heart for a bishop who saw past what I was unable to in the moment and extended a sacred invitation.

From that moment the constant prayer in my heart for the next several days was that Grant's doctor would hear me through that letter, I had dropped in the mailbox....

I was so concerned for my Superman as the severity of what I was witnessing was impossible to deny.

They got the letter the same day some pandemic restrictions allowing in person visits. The receptionist called me the minute the letter arrived...

I was told I didn’t have to put on a brave face anymore and I was totally allowed to ugly cry if I needed to. She offered Grant an in person appointment a day and spent the next several minutes talking about caregiver burn out and how hard it is, making she I was ok. Kindness I so needed.

Grant's doctor showed the same kindness. We spent an entire hour talking about some of life's darkest moments in the safety and dignity of understanding and compassion. Tough decisions, but a path forward was chosen.

I left that office with no doubt that his psychiatrist was inspired and truly cared. The road ahead is uncertain but we have help.

Our church family reached out with several acts of service in the week that followed and I felt a renewed courage and care.


A few dear friends listened for hours when I just needed to get it out....

A treasured gift came Sunday morning when a dear, talented, yet humble friend sent my three favourite hymns she had so beautifully sung.....

I've listed to these on repeat this week and each one have solace and a reminder that ....

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

Grant will deal with mental illness for the rest of his life, but our struggle is known to our heavenly father and it is through others that he makes sure we are cared for and loved, I am forever grateful for these angels on earth.

Mask Maker

It started six weeks ago. I made 4 masks, following a tutorial online. It was something to do to kill a Sunday evening. The tutorial was hard to follow and finicky and I wasn't all that impressed with the finished product. So I just threw them in our van for us.

A day or so later a couple of friends asked me to make masks for their families so I dug through my scrap buckets and made a batch of 25 and gave them away to friends, neighbors and people driving by.... They were all gone in hours.

CONFESSION TIME:

I hoard fabric (is it hoarding if its sorta organized?) But I've never spent more than a few dollars on each piece from the second hand stores. And in 10 years I've amassed quite the collection.

I am NOT a trained sower, unless you count the 6 weeks of sewing I was FORCED to take in JR High. I got a sewing machine after a  fight discussion in 2010.with my husband were I said I wanted a sewing machine. And he said, and I quote, like you'll EVER use it...GAME ON. I proved him wrong.

So its a pandemic  I had me my trusty sewing machine and tons of fabric and realized that the need/ want for masks was there. The only thing I didn't have was elastic, so a prayerful trip to the dollar store in the chaotic days of social distancing I saw hair elastics and thought if I make the masks a bit wider they will work. Problem solved.

So I went to work. And have spent some time each day making masks. My muscles are SUPER tight, at the moment because I can not have my botox treatments until some more pandemic restrictions. So I can only sew for about an hour before I need to take a break. 

But as of yesterday I've finished 204 masks. All given away and I'll just keep going until.

 Its been an awesome way for me to connect with people (from a distance). Most have picked them up from my mail box. I've had some wonderful conversations in my yard too.

 Grant's been so unwell and its given me something to do. A way to serve that has only cost me a few dollars in hair elastics. When the pandemic has left me home bound.

I'm doing it because it just feels good. A simple need I can fill. I am not making any kind of statement about whether or not you should wear them or the critical climate we live in. (why do people have to criticize each other??)   You do you, mmmmkay.  

If you need a mask I am happy to make you one just message me and if you want to sew one I broke it down for you below....

Man I look tired. I am. Pandemic hair and care giving will do that.

 1. You need a piece of 100% cotton fabric measuring 10" x 14" (10" is the measurement across the face, you can adjust this an inch bigger or smaller to fit accordingly)

2. Fold in half, right side to right side, folded measurements are now 10" x 7"

3. Straight stitch the long seam closed, no need to back stitch.

 4. Turn right side out.

 5. Press with an IRON( sorry millenials and hippies you need an iron here)

 6. Pleat, this is a little tricky. An inch from the top pinch an inch of fabric an each side and fold down and press.

7. Pin pleat down. Place pins towards the centre, so you don't sew over them. Unless you love bending needles, thanks Marilyn for the tip and the new needles.

8. Repeat two more times, press and pin. (for a total of 3 pleats)

9. Elastics, elastic has been in short supply around here, so I resorted to using thin hair elastics from the dollar store. (50 for $2) You need two for each mask. Cut each elastic where it is glued together.

 10. Straight stitch the elastic to just below the  upper corner and just above the lower corner.

 11. Make sure to back stitch over each elastic end.

 12. Also hold down each pleat corner as the presser foot passes over it.

 13. Remove the pins.

 14. Trim all threads and fabric ends 1/4" from the right of the straight seem.

 15. You now need 2 small rectangles of fabric approx. 2" x 5".  I measure the 5" off each mask side because they do vary. It needs to at least an inch longer than the side of the mask,

 16. Centre the small strip on the back of the mask (side without the elastics)

 17. Fold down in the top and the bottom of the strip so the line up with the top and bottom edges of the mask. Straight stitch together.

 18. Flip mask over, lay flat and pull the sewn strip out

 19. Fold strip in, and fold in again.

 20. Straight stitch strip down. Repeat 16-19 on the other side of mask. 

 21. Trim treads.

22. Finished. The side of the mask with the elastics is the FRONT and faces out. The side of the mask without the elastics is the BACK of the mask and goes against the nose and mouth.

Sustaining Superman

Things haven't been particularly fantastic, but suddenly they were desperately awful.

 His facial expressions or really the lack of them. The way he walks, shoulders rolled forward, feet dragging. Distracted, distant, sinking. Unable to carry a conversation. Days go by with few words. The words that do come are hopeless, despondent.  Everything brings frustration and anger. Sitting on the couch blankly watching six movies at once.

He's in trouble and I know it.

A conversation with his Psychiatrist. An urgent med change needed, now. Practicing psychiatry over the phone, in the middle of a pandemic frustrating for all off us. Nothing changes. Watchful waiting.

We are in mental illness HELL.

Superman's middle of the night, tear filled and frustration filled pleas, brutal. The intensity of his hopelessness, desperation is frightening for both of us. Will he withstand the torments of the storm, this time?? I honestly wasn't sure.

I laid there beside him for nights, pleading silently for respite from the storm, begging for heavenly guidance in what to say, One night the words eventually came, a question, not my words, but from my heavenly father. From that question Superman expressed the true depth of his suffering. His reality sobering. For a moment I had a glimpse of the tremendous strength it takes for my sweetheart to battle this cruel illness every single day of is life. It was a sorrow filled and sacred moment for me.

For nights the storm raged on. For nights I prayed just for tomorrow.

I don't know if we've just found the eye of this storm or if its abating. Its been a day or so of "relative" stillness.

I'm guessing the psychiatrist's decision on the med change was the next right thing. For know we can only hope.

I never imagined we'd be here and most likely here for the rest of our lives. Severe, debilitating mental illness robbing my sweetheart of so much. Accepting that healing is not ours to decide. Some days dealing with the stigma of our illness harder (at least for me) than dealing with the illness its self.

Tears have flowed often these last few days. The reality of what we go through hit like a ton of bricks....

How much sicker does my Superman have to become, before I get to stop explaining why he deserves the same compassion, prayers and understanding and reaching out for his suffering as others get without explanation?? Even now I type this through tears. It is something I will never understand, but face often. Mental illness stigma breaks my heart.


I feel this immense need to continually sustain and protect my Superman. It will always be a challenge to be that gatekeeper. Who will help and who will harm?? it seems to always surprise me.

Now to try and catch up on some much needed sleep.   Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz....