My biggest fear in life ( minus upside down carnival rides and eating fish ) is one day waking up with realization that I have become my mother ... Maybe that is a dishonour to her life, but it's really something I fear...
Sure I can list hundreds of wonderful things about her ...gifted pianist and teacher...seamstress extraordinaire ...impeccable penmanship ... Traveller .... An eye for detail....
But some of the realities of her life can really haunt me.
Kelli and I have memories and experiences no one should...
We had popcorn for dinner, not because there wasn't money to buy food, but because my mom couldn't/ wouldn't handle being in a grocery store, the fact that there wasn't a clean dish or surface in our kitchen didn't really help either...
We had to pick through the mountain of dirty laundry in the garage often to find "suitable" clothing for school. Yup, the smelly kids and the fact that we went to an affluent elementary school made the fact even more obvious.
We were the last ones picked up from daycare or left home alone unsupervised for hours and hours. As a very young child I remember praying my heart out that she would just be safe and come home.
We were over indulged in other ways. we had every toy, game and activity imaginable, but when it came to basic necessities...affection, clean anything, meals.... Mom, just couldn't get off that damn brown love seat in the family room. There was something very very therapeutic about putting that couch in the dumpster last month.
It's been such a weird week for me. Full of blessings and answers to prayers... A final piece from Mom's life settled, nearly nine years after her death, a story for another day. But with that, memories long tucked away surfacing.... I hate how grief works....
A lingering question on repeat..."Will my life resemble hers?"
I have days when I am overwhelmed and struggle to put dinner on the table or can't find the energy to deal with my mountain of laundry. Days where dealing with teenagers or a husband's illness make me angry and bitter and I have to remind myself to hug my disgruntled teen or hurting husband...Am I losing my empathy, like she did??? Does that mean I'm sliding closer and closer to her level of destruction/dysfunction??
I hate to admit how much I have struggled since getting back from California...I can't lie...the last 4 weeks I have just gone through the motions (rather unsuccessful-like) of being that "perfect wife", that "mother of the year", that "molly Mormon" ... `
You`re just morphing into her` my mind tells me....
Then today..Oh Sunday's?!? Sundays are a struggle...not always, but today? Well yes, Sundays can sometimes bring out the worst of grief, heartache, illness and trials....Not because of guilt or lack of testimony...But because are hearts are tender and emotions run so close to the surface. I have to admit my heart was less than patient when the Superman struggled to get to bishopric this morning...But felt relief as he walked out the door...
Superman's heart is aching right now too...battling bipolar is a constant fight. His illness doesn't know vacation....
Sundays can be hard for him too..
The people that know the strength, the courage it takes my Superman to sit on the stand, fighting an illness that screams at him "you are worthless, nobody cares about you, you will never measure up. why even bother" show my Grant great compassion and understanding ... For that I am forever grateful.
I know some just don't know his struggle and therefore are unknowingly unkind or less than patient. When I see Grant struggle with those hurts, its hard for me to watch...especially when it took to make it in the building...
As we started Sacrament Meeting I was beyond overwhelmed, having a hard time keeping my weeks worth of emotions...which rather sucks when you are leading the music...
Why did I even bother to come?"
We then sang the opening hymn I picked weeks ago...
In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health,
In poverty’s vale or abounding in
wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—
As thy days may demand,
as thy days may demand,
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am
thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and
cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my
righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers
of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to
bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee
thy deepest distress.
Those lyrics get me every. single. time. I really needed the reminder
Our Heavenly Father will not leave us alone in our hurt or heartache. Our heavenly father`s comfort has no time limit... Nine days or nine years his desire to comfort and bless never changes. He knows the strength and courage it takes to do what we do because he is the one who gave it to us. Trials are not a gauntlet to be survived...but the refirner`s fire...
My answers to why will probably not come in this lifetime. But I know this...I will not become my mother, unless I choose to. Those feelings of discouragement or worthlessness do not come from a loving Heavenly Father, but from someone who would love to see me fail...
I was not sent here to fail.... my Superman was not sent here to fail and neither were you.
“A good friend, who knows whereof he speaks, has observed of trials, ‘If it’s fair, it is not a true trial!’ That is, without the added presence of some inexplicableness and some irony and injustice, the experience may not stretch us or lift us sufficiently. .....”
—Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience (1980), 31
“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”
—Orson F. Whitney, quoted by Spencer W. Kimball, in Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 98
“The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ—whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure and live with them like the Apostle Paul—is available for every affliction in mortality.”
—Dallin H. Oaks, “He Heals the Heavy Laden,” Ensign, Nov. 2006, 5–6
