Dance in the Rain?

{Warning: first, I know many others have far greater challenges than us an my heart goes out to you...second, I might say a swear in this post, and no I'm not sorry}

Oh yeah, my birthday.... can we just skip it this year? Its not the getting older part, I don't mind that. Getting older is a gift, not everyone gets. I am grateful for another year...its that...

Birthdays are instant reminders that my parents are really gone and that I miss them. It hurts more this year, I think? (stupid grief)

It's also a conversation I had with Superman as we were falling asleep the other night...

Hey its your birthday next week, at least you don't have to clean out your Dad's house this year...I can't believe its been a year..."It's been a long, rough year hasn't it?, Superman, says sympathetically.

Donning face masks and gloves, in 105 F heat, filling dumpster after dumpster with our Dad's rodent and spider infested hoard was a shitty awful way to spend our birthday a year ago. I remember leaving that house, the task finished and thinking...Ahh things have to get better soon....


I had no way of knowing that our gauntlet wasn't nowhere near over and the year that lay ahead would again be full of challenges....

I sit here, a year later still wondering if lasting healing or even stability will ever come for my Superhero, or is our journey to simply learn to dance in the rain?

 Difficult decisions this week and an uncertain future, faith still our only sure option.

Will another difficult October, turn into another difficult year? If I am completely honest the thought down right scares me.

I always say I'm fine...we're coping...we're surviving and I totally want to believe it every time I say it, but sometimes its a complete lie.

Its kind sucking right now...wow honesty.

My birthday wish.... if it can't change, at least give me the courage and faith to continue dancing in the rain.

All Dressed Up!

So I spent the last week creating some dresses for my friend who is an amazing photographer and Mom. (Vanessa Lust Photography)....

 

And spent the entire week wishing I had learned to sew when my girls were little....

 

I'm  far from skilled seamstress (don't look close) and can not, for the life of me follow a pattern...

I'm make it up as you go kinda girl...which also explains my life completely.

 

T-shirt turned into a dress...

 

 

 

 

I tried to follow a pattern here but gave up (after much cursing, heck, darn ;))....

 

skirt and doctored up t-shirt.....

 ruffle-butt

 same thing...

  So I never make the same exact thing twice...I only used second hand fabric and can only do it my way.

Thanks Vanessa for giving me a creative outlet :)



I then used left over knit fabric from trek to make a maxi skirt and top for our family's almost seven year old :)...

Grant says I have to step away from my machine now :) I told him to give up his Coke Zero ....he has since apologized :)

Selective Recluse

I avoid the phone and sometimes even the door...Go ahead admit it, you totally know you do it too and in that same breath can I hear an AMEN for call display (helping us avoid people since 1995 :)) I've even told¨my kids to tell someone I'm not here.  I know,  horrible parenting right there. (HERE is your cookie if you've never....)

So why I'm I such a selective recluse, especially recently????

I love people and consider myself a rather out going person...I love getting to know someone and especially understanding their life story...I've even been accused of being able to talk the 'back legs off a donkey' (I'm not sure, either)

So what's wrong with me??? Why am I so rude????

Two things. Expectations. Understanding. Expectations, I just can't handle right now and Understanding....Understanding is something we all need way more often, than we get....

This life is crazy, literally and figuratively and sometimes capital C crazy and sometimes just little c crazy....

And I honestly think if we could see each others real battles, those only Heavenly Father knows the depth of...We would lower those expectations of one another and increase our understanding....

I had an experience recently that caught me completely off guard. The setting and task at hand made it even more confusing...a person's reaction and behavior towards me was down right disrespectful... I walked away in disbelief ....

You see, just twelve hours earlier, Grant and I spent an evening with some of our favourite people in this world. These are come as you are kind of friends...No expectations here, just kind understanding...We laughed and joked and shared, but what we felt most was loved and understood. It was a feeling I wanted to hang on to forever....

Our actions and words (and sometimes even inactions) have so much power... something I was instantly aware of that next morning....

Words used to lift and love or words used to demean and destroy. One promotes understanding. The other imposes judgement and expectations, usually our own. Both have infinite power to change lives.

As our family has faced our Everest the last two years, we have sometimes felt the sting of judgement...'Well you just need too....' or 'Why are you...'

But the words that have had the power to change everything have been the ones full of love and compassion...We love you...we are praying for you...How can we help...

I have watched as insensitive words and actions have pushed my Superhero, deeper into illness and have been heartbroken

I have also humbly watched as compassion and kindness and understanding has pulled him from depths only he full understands, but the miracle is never lost on me....

So rude or not here is the deal....I will always choose UNDERSTANDING. Others expectations will never help us and something I no longer care about.

Missionary Mayhem

So the Sister Missionaries stop by to get to know our family....

The dog goes berserk as the doorbell rings.

I say "Everybody behave", as Bailey flings open the door, tossing a still barking Tater, to Grant....

They sit down as I peal an ice cream sandwich wrapper off the love seat.

Right in the middle of our pleasantries, Madison, Man child and Alex come flying in the door, having just finished delivering 600 food drive bag...

"What are THEY doing here?!?" Madison says with all the sarcasm and subtlety her seventeen years have acquired.

We all laugh, she's kidding...(not completely)

I have to tell two obedient rug rats to put their phones away, but Alex continues covertly texting under my decorative throw pillow...thinking we haven't noticed...the on volume button, throws my darling's cover...nice.

All of a sudden I realize Man Child has launched into a rather descriptive tale of 'O My Gosh, we were so poor once....we were like macaroni and cheese poor....but not even the KD kind...the no-name kind you have to put a lot of ketchup on....and we didn't even have ketchup....Really Dallyn?

Madison is now tipping the coffee table on end as her and Alex are trying to plead their case on "why they should skip school tomorrow"...because of the Service they had offered....

Seriously what is wrong with you hooligans?!?

Grant and I give them the simultaneous death glare....which has all the effectiveness of herding hamsters....

Dallyn and Alex are now in some kind of knuckles, flinch war...Madison interrupts everybody with "So can I like go and eat now?" As Bailey, who is actually listening to the Sisters, gives an insightful answer, with a scripture reference.....Awwww, {so does one kid out of five, count as a parenting pass?}....

"So can we have a prayer with you, before we leave?", the Sister sweetly says, above the mayhem.

Grant goes with tradition and asks the worst behaved kid to pray...clearly Madison, although it was a tough pick tonight...

Now Madison and Grant are in an I'm not praying, Yes you are, glare down, lovely.

Superman's powers succeed and Madison prays....("Don't you dare rhyme it", I say under my breath)

A thoughtful and respectful prayer. Wow, maybe we haven't completely failed.

They thank us for the visit, "You all are hilarious."...."yeah we get that a lot."

So what have the Sisters learned from the Kramers....

1. What Macaroni and Cheese poor is. and
2. That we're CRAZY!

Awesome. Have I said lately, just how much I love my children?!? Yeah, I didn't think so.....

North Island Knows

Superman's high council speaking assignment was in the tiniest branch in our stake yesterday....you city folk would classify this as the middle-of-nowhere....

  North Island branch in Port McNeill, BC is 225 km from our home in Courtenay and 350km (one way) from our Stake Centre in Nanaimo, and the smallest church building I've ever seen or been in.  A large multipurpose room, with accordion dividers functions as Chapel, RS room, Primary room, YW room and Cultural Hall. There is  small kitchen, two bathrooms and offices.

The road up there was 255km of this.... tall green trees... except for the big black bear that lumbered across the road an hour north of Campbell River,  we never caught up to another car going north...

 

"I spy with my little eye...something that is GREEN....by the 50th time I said this, the darlings and the Super, no longer found me funny :)

After 3 hours on the road....

 

I don't think we have ever been so warmly welcomed as visitors in or lives...We instantly felt part of their branch family. As I got up to speak I felt "home", even though I had never been there before....

 

 

 

I spoke on redemption and focused on how we can help each other return to our Heavenly Father.... 

 

 

 

{ “The church is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things, or have perfect thoughts, or have perfect feelings. The Church is a place where imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, and service to each other as we press on in our journey to return to our Heavenly Father.”

 

 

After a particularly trying and unpredictable couple of days I was at a complete loss as to what to do next... at that very moment

our dear and inspired friend came to the rescue, no judgement just compassion and friendship and understanding and. Something that was in place long before the crisis. He didn’t say anything remarkable and he didn’t do anything magical, he just had the time for a dear friend who needed him. Our family will be forever grateful for that.}

This branch knows what Church is all about. There is a unique spirit of strength and sacrifice in North Island. I was humbled that so few members could do so much. There is no such thing as A calling in this branch, everyone wears multiple hats in multiple auxiliaries.

Our visit was an awesome experience for our family. Everybody needs to visit a tiny branch, they really are amazing places. 

 

 

 

Crazy Creations

Sewing ...yes I'm addicted. The amount I sew is in direct relation to the stress level I feel... But to my defense all these people around me keep having babies....So its not entirely my fault... Plus like I tell superman, all the time,  it is way cheaper than therapy. And I doubt there is a therapist out there who could handle me ....So I sew...deal with it :)...The last weeks creations...all with second hand repurposed fabric....

baby gift

baby gift

baby gift

Wedding Gift

baby gift

baby gift

baby gift

Robin Can Read :)

I've read TWO books in the last week or so...I know?! and they didn't even have any pictures???

 

So, Superman came home from Stake Leadership (church meeting) Saturday evening....as usual we had the  'how was your meeting, did you learning anything' chat....'There is a book Bro. L talked about, but I can't remember the title' 'Well that's helpful???' ....So a few hours later  after we had crawled into bed, Grant says 'The Peacegiver....that's what its called.' ...I grabbed the ipad and handed to Grant...'Well order it?' I said...

 

 

Five minutes later I'm reading...(love technology!) and Grant had drifted into dreamland. It was midnight before I even looked at the clock...I was enthralled and couldn't but the book down (odd for me)...100 pages in my eyes finally gave up, half way through...Last night I finished the book....

 A parable, of sorts on forgiveness and the Atonement....

 

Forgiveness.... I have had some deeply personal struggles with..... its more the understanding of it, than the actual giving of it, that I struggle with, I guess...How do I continue to forgive those whose actions continue to cause deep wounds? How do I forgive hurts where there will never be an 'I'm sorry'?....Its been a very recent struggle for me.

 

Reading this book gave me a new perspective on forgiveness....that the Atonement makes up for the heartache and hurts others' actions, sins cause for those around them...I had never thought about it from that view before. That forgiveness has very little to do with the one being forgiven and EVERYTHING to do with the forgiver....

 

Such a good and needed read....

 

 

While we were in Utah Grant picked up Jeffrey R Holland's new book....

So life has not gone as planned lately (understatement)...Some deeply personal struggles continue, even after much prayer and tears...At times, especially recently I have felt  just so alone...people don't really ask anymore, if we are okay...

 

But still our lives right now definitely feel like 'Times of Trouble'....

So this book is perfect.

 

'No matter what the trouble and trial of the day may be, we start and finish with the eternal truth the God is with us' 

 

Elder Holland shares beautiful insight into the solace the Psalms provide.

I loved the comfort in this book. A DVD was included  where Elder Holland discusses the challenging issues we all face...

'All of our paths to eternity will lead (at least for a time) through Gethsemane...(the DVD might be even better than the book, I can't really decide :))

 

 

Comfort and courage to just keep going.  

They Went Back !

They went away back!!!!!!!

 

Weird....Dallyn is in high school, HIGH SCHOOL? Alex starts Seminary and Maddie, Grade twelve and I have TWO who have already graduated?!

 

This only means one thing...I. AM. OLD! (something the rug rats point out daily)

 

 

 

Gone are the days of....

Signing agendas, ok so that never really happened after October, last year;

 Making birthday cupcakes for their class , so like I only MADE cupcakes like twice after that it was a box of Twinkies;

Guessing what Dallyn made for Mother's Day;

Parent attended assemblies

and Birthday parties every weekend, can they really have that many friends?

It makes me a little sad...ok that's a total lie too. All the above things, minus the Mothers Day gifts I hated about elementary school  ...I love the high school years, there is less pressure to compete with other mom's (you know we all do it) and they are way more independent and that makes my lazy parenting style, less noticeable...Yay!

 

These two are thrilled about school this year..... 

 No really....

And this is exactly how I feel...

I love the ME time public school allows.....

 

If this makes me a bad parent, I'm really ok with that!

Give Us Faith

I totally wanted to post this status on FB yesterday....
Screw it, I give up!....its totally how I felt.
But then I'd be THAT friend and y'all would think I'd lost it (more)....

Last night, I ran across this beautiful blog post again. A dear friend sent me, on a particularly difficult day, several weeks ago....In it, young wife and mother dying of cancer, answers the question 'Do you have the faith NOT to be healed?' in Elder Bednar's talk 'That We May Shrink Not'.... It offers a perspective I had never thought about before....

Do we have the faith to accept God's will, when that will looks nothing like that life we had imagined?
I then went searching for Elder Bednar's talk.....

 

Full of Faith and Hope.

It is easy (at least for me) to become discouraged and wonder why us? Challenges keep coming with out much reprieve...Prayers for help and healing are not answered in the way we had planned...Hope and good news become much harder to find....Especially on paper.

But then I look with a different perspective, with eyes filled with hope and see plentiful tender mercies all around...Beautiful friends, ones who reach out and rescue. Our physical needs are cared for. Professionals who are knowledgeable and kind... Wonderful kids and I have the best sisters in the world.

My prayers changed last night...'Give us the faith and courage to accept what ever comes and find faith, hope and growth in it'

I think I will need to watch this talk often.