Rockin' Mommyhood

Motherhood began for me, twenty years ago today...on a New Year's Eve, long before Superman and I were ready. We were still very much a kids ourselves and it's a good thing Holly was one of the indestructible variety, that knew how to use her lungs until her inexperienced parents could figure out caring for a baby was very different than a puppy:)

 

This picture makes me laugh out loud, every single time I see it....

My 19 year old self...Five months into motherhood...

Dressed in MICKEY MOUSE overall shorts...

Rockin' the bowl cut...

with Hi tops...

 

That's Holly in the stroller in her MINNIE MOUSE sleeper (yes we matched, which I probably planned, sigh)...

And if my math still serves me, I'm already pregnant with Bailey....

 

 

 

Motherhood came fast and furious for me, but mothering did not come naturally. I struggled and struggled to find my place in a world of loving, nurturing, natural mothers, that seemed to radiate the joys of motherhood. I felt like I would never quite measure up or fit in with all the SUPERWOMEN around me. I felt like a fraud and a fake and that at any moment I would be discovered...

I was a struggling young mother.

 

Well, I was never discovered...and eventually learned that I was way closer to normal than I first thought....I just had to find the right kind of Superwomen.

 

Motherhood, my struggle, turned into to my greatest blessing...

 

And yes my kids even survived Kool-Aid straight from the bottle....{ I'm sure there is a 1-800 number you can call} That maybe could explain a few things....

 

Motherhood began two decades ago and here's proof that there is always HOPE...They all survived their Kool-Aid giving, Mickey mouse wearing, curse word saying mother...and I survived them :)

 

 

Happy Birthday Holly!!! Thank you for being the best, most tolerant, starter child this crazy mother could ask for...(I promise your therapy fund is the largest ;)) Being this handful's mother is just plain awesome, so glad they were patient enough to let me figure that out.

 

 

You Are Hereby Called to Serve....

Bailey's mission call came today....



This has been in the works for months, but we wanted to keep this process quiet, for many reasons. Mostly because we just wanted it to be her decision, no outside influences good or bad. It's been wonderful to see the journey and we are just so happy for Bailey and her decision to serve a mission.

Ten Christmas Confessions

So I guess I need to admit a few things...

 

1.So like yeah...this picture was totally staged...

I paid man child $10 to do it and he eventually agreed :) (I'm a funny bad parent and he's a great actor)

2. Jose was never stolen by the kids...I lost him...forgot where I put him...and totally blamed it on the kids.( I think I need a new diagnosis...)

 

3. I totally bailed on Alex and Dallyn's Christmas concert and felt really bad when I realised I missed Alex's percussion solo....(Stupid parent moment.)

 

4. I made cookies for like 3 dozen families and never made a single cookie for my kids.

 

5. I was secretly grateful for no one extra for Christmas this year, just our kids home was absolutely perfect.  (Man I love them.)

 

6. Face book made me cringe on Christmas morning...Not the pictures of happy families...no, It was the photos of ADULTS bragging about what they got for Christmas I think it's totally tacky to do so  if you are over 12 (unless you got Lego or awesome jammies)

 

7. If I ever have my way, I will eliminate turkey dinner all together, well except stuffing. (Does a Thatsabowl full of stuffing, alone, in the center of the table, count as turkey dinner?)

 

8. Wrapping presents is absolutely pointless. (In Robinworld we would all wait til midnight and shove the Walmart bags haphazardly under the tree)

 

9. Candy canes are lame. Why do I even buy them??? Most of the rug rats hate them and the other one leaves them eternally adhered to my sofa.

 

10. I could not get the tree down fast enough this year, I even got up early this morning and had it all down and put away before the creatures even stirred...so there would be no protests.

 

 

40 Letters :)

It was hard to figure out what to get the Superman for his big birthday...He didn't need anything (physical anyway)... And he didn't want to do anything to celebrate, landing on the day after Christmas (every year) doesn't help either....so I felt a little stuck...Then I thought...

Forty Letters...

 

(If I get 40 of our friends to write nice things (made up or not :)) for his birthday it would be kinda of like a party, just less overwhelming and no cake fights) SMART, I know!

So I sent out a quick note, just days before and got an amazing response and way more than forty letters...

He spent more than an hour reading all of them....

 

 

Most of them are too personal to share ...But this one from Dallyn melted my heart...

(he wrote it entirely himself and only asked me how to spell cease)

 

Dad there is no way I could ever thank you enough for everything you have done from me since the first time we met in the hospital. Somehow you never cease to amaze me, and you’re always finding new ways to make me love you even more. Dad I love you and everything you have always done for me.

Dad you’re my hero

Love Dallyn

 

Such a tender hearted guy, just like his Dad...I can't decide which I am ore impressed over...The proper use of the word cease or the correct use of you're :)

Grant was so touched.

Robin gets another gift right, Awesome. Yay me and thank you all for helping me pull off the perfect gift.

 

 

Remarkable Kindness

A simple thank you is all that we can do, but some how even that seems beyond inadequate for the remarkable act of kindness our family received yesterday...

We still can't completely wrap our heads around this unexpected generosity. And I realised something else...That there is much more to gift giving than the gift itself. Realising that our family had not been forgotten through this year of very private heartache, meant even more than that remarkable gift. Knowing that my Superman is still loved and respected and prayed for, means the world to him and to our family.

So, It is with very humble hearts we say, THANK YOU. We love you all.

Hub Caps

 

An unnamed child needed new tires for their car...We as parents worried about unnamed child driving winter roads, with old tires....We thought tires were both a brilliant and practical Christmas/ Birthday gift for unnamed child...

 

Yesterday new tires were installed on unnamed child's car....

 

We pull into the parking lot to pick up unnamed child's car with unnamed child...

 

But Dad??? The tires don't look ANY different???

 

Yes they do???

 

But why are the HUB CAPS still the same???

 

I think we have bigger worries than TIRES.

An Exhausted Forgiver

If you don't like honesty, don't read this.....

Do you know what its like to fast and pray and hope, then regardless, still stare up the same big mountain?

 

Do you know what it's like to do everything you are asked to do medically and still suffer from an illness that will not give in?

 

Do you know what its like to work and strive and achieve and then have to let go of those accomplishments for an unknown future?

 

Do you know what its like to feel misunderstood, harshly judged and blamed for an illness that is not your  fault?  

 

My SUPERMAN does. I do. And now so do our children.

 

I have intentionally over this last few months said next to nothing about Grant's deeply personal battle with bipolar disorder, even as that struggle intensified. I was trying to honor his privacy, give us time and avoiding judgment....

 

But that judgment still happened and in a way I never imagined.

 

He more than anyone is brutally aware of the costs of being mentally ill and unless you have walked his road you might not understand, we would never ask you to. But we do expect you to be kind.

 

You looked at him and you only saw your insecurities.

 

Weight gain.

Laziness.

Fear.

 

And then assuming that what YOU SAW was the result of our unawareness and inattention and lack of care....your actions caused deep unnecessary hurt.

 

Grant's rapid weight gain is a direct result of the medication he is required to take to maintain stability. Not because he ate a chocolate bar. His weight is the least of our worries and his blood work consistently proves that.

 

What you assume as laziness is actually a deficit that occurs after a mixed state episode, it takes TIME for the brain to heal and recover when it breaks.

 

Fear, well that's all yours.

 

What you missed is the fact that Grant has not lost a battle at all, he is actually winning it. Each day he continues to try he wins. It is amazing really . Think about it...you know that you will have to climb this EVEREST the rest of your life, and instead of giving in, he just climbs higher. Pretty amazing.

 

If you can't help him, at least don't him.

 

Grant has been hurt so many times ...and I am humbled as I watch my spiritual giant forgive...again and again. But has his wife and dear friend and the one who has stood by his side I wonder....Will he have the strength to forgive again? I know how exhausted this forgiver is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Music's Power

I went to sing carols at the nursing home last night. I hate nursing homes. They make me sad and they make me miss my Mom and Dad and they smell funny. But I felt a teeny obligated to go with the rest of the Relief Society, cause I'm a good Mormon I needed to prove that I could. (is there a word for nursing home phobia?)

As we sang all the standards, I started watching one particular grandma in a wheel chair at the very back of the room. At first I wasn't even sure she was aware of her surroundings. Her face was emotionless as she barely looked up.

As our music continued a few minutes more, she seemed to brighten some, but it was still difficult to tell if she even knew we were there...

Then she began to mouth a few words of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, She is there I thought, smiling.

 Near the end of our time there, came a beautiful flute solo, Oh Holy Night. And I watched the grandma in the back row. There a few bars in was an instant recognition and the light returned, as she looked directly at us. Then she began to sing and clap quietly along, she knew every single word.

I was so touched as I witnessed the power of music in the grandma in the back row.

 And then I thought of my Dad...he didn't always know us, but he never forgot his favourite composers or symphonies or jazz harmonies.

Music will always have a beautiful power.

Elf Antics

The elf antics continue, much to the chagrin of the unappreciative offspring....

 

The Elfie....

 Hot tub party... (Jose IS machine washable)

 

 The make up stealer.....(again washable, but don't use a grease based pencil, it took an hour to get that off)

 This was fun...there was only 2 coins of each, but Dallyn and Alex looked forever :).....

And the Bungee Jumper.....

I woke up this morning to this....My kids think they're hilarious...

Bad offspring, very bad offspring!....Mistreatment of said elf, will not be tolerated!!!! I expect hand written apologises to Jose by morning. 

 

Jose has been revived and the tradition continues...

 

Sorry Jose, they are evil!

Christmas Struggle

Nothing bad ever happened on Christmas when we were little....

 Kelli and I were over indulged from our first...

I remember one Christmas morning, Santa brought a new bike and new roller skates and a life size Snoopy dog and a Mickey Mouse watch, just for me...We were seven or eight. We weren't really surprised we got every thing on our lists, every single year...

My really musical parents started the Christmas carols as soon as Halloween was over...

I remember Mom practicing piano or organ endlessly for Handel's Messiah and my Dad playing carols on his guitar, Silent Night was his favourite. He made sure we knew every carol before we were in kindergarten.

Christmas was a happy time, even after my parents split up. Things were different, but still happy at Christmas...and we would soak up all the season had to offer.

Hating Struggling with Christmas is a new thing for me....

I was asked last week, why I don't like Christmas?

"Well it's not that I don't like the baby Jesus part of  Christmas.....It's that..."

And then I stammered to explain myself with a bunch of half excuses, not entirely sure myself....

Well then I found IT....

IT.... being a NEVER USED, 10 year old, obsolete camcorder....IT was at the bottom of our "electronics" bucket, that has moved with us at least 6 times...I thought IT was long gone but there IT was..IT....the last Christmas gift my Mom gave us.

A Camcorder was a generous gift at the time, especially considering her means....We were surprised when we got the unexpected package in the mail. Inside the box was a card, and in her shaky nearly illegible handwriting.....

I guess this is the only way I will ever see my grandchildren again.

Her anger and illness burned through those scribbled words. She still had not forgiven us for moving  back to the Island just  few months prior. I felt her anger, with  little understanding of her illness then. Those words hurt and so did her gift.  Mom spent that Christmas in care with out her daughters, alone.

Mom never saw her grandchildren again. That would be her last Christmas, she died weeks later and I never used that camcorder.

Even years later as I looked at that long lost camcorder, I cried and promptly threw it in the garbage can outside, grateful for garbage day.

Sadly we were not there for my dad's last Christmas either....

My sister had desperately tried, but Dad refused to get on his flight to Utah just hours before it took off. We were angry at him too, not knowing that we were seeing the final stages of dementia and not just his addictions...Dad spent his last Christmas in squalor, alone. The depth of which we would not understand till after his passing.

Struggling with Christmas ever since...

Something about this time of year makes me miss them more. Maybe its that I can hear my Dad's guitar every time I hear Silent Night...or Mom on the organ when I stand for the Alleluia Chorus...Or maybe its that we don't have the big family gatherings to go to, others do....

This time of year also brings some guilt...Guilt that we maybe could have made it different for my parents. If we had understood mom's mental health better or Dad's dementia maybe we could have done more...Why did we put up walls of protection instead of opening arms of understanding???

The only solace I have found (especially this crazy December) is helping those now, with the compassion and understanding, struggling with my parents has taught me. I could not change it for my Mom and Dad, but maybe, I can make a difference for someone here and now....with the lessons my parents have taught me.

Mommy Got An Elf :)

 

So last week I brought home Elf on the Self....

Yes I know my kids are teenagers....

Yes I think he is creepy ...

Yes this is purely for my own amusement and....

Yes, I am getting help. :)....

 

Within hours the ELF, went missing from his package...and this was where we found him....

 

Bailey A child who shall remain nameless pipes up..."I thought he needed a "wreaking ball"....AWESOME and so wrong....

 

On Sunday, while we were planning our ABC's of Christmas kindness and drawing our name, for our family's version of Secret Santa....

 

I pipe up with..."We have to name the ELF too!"

 

So after much eye rolling, every one writes down a name or two and after removing all the inappropriate ones (bad Kramers)...

The ELF was christened....

 

JOSE

FITZ

HERBERT

 

And so a new family tradition begins....

 

DAY ONE

 

 

 DAY TWO

Yay!!! This crazy mother has found yet another creative outlet and who cares if the rug rats don't even notice :)