An Exhausted Forgiver

If you don't like honesty, don't read this.....

Do you know what its like to fast and pray and hope, then regardless, still stare up the same big mountain?

 

Do you know what it's like to do everything you are asked to do medically and still suffer from an illness that will not give in?

 

Do you know what its like to work and strive and achieve and then have to let go of those accomplishments for an unknown future?

 

Do you know what its like to feel misunderstood, harshly judged and blamed for an illness that is not your  fault?  

 

My SUPERMAN does. I do. And now so do our children.

 

I have intentionally over this last few months said next to nothing about Grant's deeply personal battle with bipolar disorder, even as that struggle intensified. I was trying to honor his privacy, give us time and avoiding judgment....

 

But that judgment still happened and in a way I never imagined.

 

He more than anyone is brutally aware of the costs of being mentally ill and unless you have walked his road you might not understand, we would never ask you to. But we do expect you to be kind.

 

You looked at him and you only saw your insecurities.

 

Weight gain.

Laziness.

Fear.

 

And then assuming that what YOU SAW was the result of our unawareness and inattention and lack of care....your actions caused deep unnecessary hurt.

 

Grant's rapid weight gain is a direct result of the medication he is required to take to maintain stability. Not because he ate a chocolate bar. His weight is the least of our worries and his blood work consistently proves that.

 

What you assume as laziness is actually a deficit that occurs after a mixed state episode, it takes TIME for the brain to heal and recover when it breaks.

 

Fear, well that's all yours.

 

What you missed is the fact that Grant has not lost a battle at all, he is actually winning it. Each day he continues to try he wins. It is amazing really . Think about it...you know that you will have to climb this EVEREST the rest of your life, and instead of giving in, he just climbs higher. Pretty amazing.

 

If you can't help him, at least don't him.

 

Grant has been hurt so many times ...and I am humbled as I watch my spiritual giant forgive...again and again. But has his wife and dear friend and the one who has stood by his side I wonder....Will he have the strength to forgive again? I know how exhausted this forgiver is.