I sat waiting for Grant's prescriptions and I felt my mind disconnecting from my surroundings...The previous hour Grant's doctor confirmed a reality, our hearts knew, but our minds had refused to accept. I wanted nothing more than to escape the florescent lights of public and let my tears flow privately...
Ten weeks ago I knew things for Superman were starting to slip but I was in no place to admit it. Day after day the sands of stability slipped grain by grain through our fingers until it was gone.
Frustration, Fear, Commotion, Agitation, times a thousand. Then an inability to do... anything...
Sitting in the same recliner day after day, watching movie after movie. My superman was lost in the fog and frenzy of Bipolar disorder and I the caregiver, wondering what the HELL am I supposed to do now and even more, how the heck a loving God could allow such a cruel illness to torment my kind, gentle husband again and again.
Finally convinced, we sat with his Psychiatrist. With difficult and heartbreaking words we confirm yet another manic to depressive episode. This should not happen, with him already way beyond medication limits, but it did and does...What now?? One more try, but no one is hopeful it will hold the illness at bay for long....So many failures and so many options behind us.... What's next is discussed with as much compassionate honesty as possible, but it does little to lighten the load that suddenly feels heavier than ever....His doctor expresses sincere compassion to both of us and I am beyond grateful for his expertise and kindness, but I cannot deny my fear.
Scared. Overwhelmed. Heartbroken.
Will healing or reprieve ever come??? Can he survive this if it doesn't?
I finally escape the florescent lights of public and my tears flow.
Hours later I go out to mow the lawn, cause you know life never stops, even when you will it to and while I angrily push that damn lawn mower...
I tell God how angry I am...
How unfair this is...
How Grant doesn't deserve this.....
How tired I am of being the poster-family for mental illness...
How much I feel like a fake and even a failure...
How not-strong I am...
And at one point I looked up at the rising moon and said...
"Why do you HATE us?!?!" and I meant it...
Then in my mind I heard these words...
"But, Robin, that's not today..."
What's not today?
After many minutes I got it...
Yes the future looks really SCARY and UNCERTAIN...
But that's not today....you are not there today.
Today there is hope.
Grant has a long road ahead of him and my heart aches for his suffering, but no matter the future our hope will guide us.
You are so much stronger than you know and you are such an example to me. Reading this takes me back to a visit to the emergency room with you and your superman and remembering how scary it was for both of you... I actually treasure that memory oddly enough. I feel so honoured to have been able to be there for you both in that moment and I ache for you both and wish we were close enough to be there for you still. I love you guys... But more importantly I know that the Lord loves you and I'm grateful for that knowledge. Hugs!!
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