Boots and Goodbyes

When you first bring them home the fact that they will eventually move out seems like a millennia away...and through the blur of a thousand diaper changes, a hundred school assemblies, ten or more emergency room visits that infant is a full fledge adult ready to enter the world of buying her own toilet paper and paying for her own wi-fi...

It really does all happen in the blink of an eye.

Bailey left for Edmonton this morning, her sisters turning the event into an epic sisters road trip.

I'm not gonna lie, there were less tears than I thought...she's more than ready and heck she survived a mission...we will miss her tons but I knew when she came home, she wouldn't stay for long...

The odd thing to me is that in a household that for decades never had enough bedrooms or laundry baskets or gallons of milk, now has empty beds, a washer that rests occasionally and milk that even sours...

As I cleaned up her room and put away what she didn't take this morning, I was surprised when I found the boots that survived every step on her mission left in the back of her closet....

I hadn't looked closely at them before...soles walked smooth...stones from Newfoundland still stuck in the heals...salt and snow stained leather...heals glued back together more than once...

I hope she never forgets the lessons of all those steps she walked on her mission. 

And can't wait to see the where her steps lead from here....

Leaving home is hard especially on moms and dads.

But we are so proud to have watched them grow and become pretty awesome adults...but goodbyes will always make my heart ache some.

You'll do awesome Bailey! We just know it! ❤️

Oh My Goodness.

I'm blow drying my hair when the same kid who argued seven hours before, stumbles into the bathroom to continue the argument...something about being too sick and now too tired to go to church...

 

I knew Superman hadn't slept so I already knew public wasn't happening for him either...

I wander into Ward Council alone, rather defeated...

As I leave the meeting I'm informed by one offspring that they're the only one who came to church, because the others were sick/sleeping/didn't want to come...

A texting battle ensues with threats of "there will be consequences" as I sit in the pew...I'm breaking my cardinal rule about not fighting about church...but I was MAD and honestly maybe a little embarrassed...I knew at least two of them had blown off assignments they had...

This is so not how I pictured having young adults/teenagers...Those years of taking them to primary should pay off by now, right?!?! 

I want to just cry...

I'm trying to listen to sacrament meeting, but what I'm really trying to do is convince myself that I'm not a failure and a fraud, as I stuff at least seven packets of Rockets (smarties) as discreetly as possible in my mouth...

A second Kramer offspring wonders into sacrament meeting ten minutes before the end...only just slightly improving my "I've totally failed" pew party.

I needed to talk to my dear friend about some RS stuff so we escaped outside to the sunshine for a few minutes... later as we walk back in the building she says..

" you know Robin, even though some of your kids struggle with Church... You've still raised really good kids"

She is so right... I see their goodness all the time. 

When two of them took me aside and said don't worry about helping Bailey move, we'll make sure she has everything she needs. Goodness.

When one takes me out to lunch or shopping and I watch them interact with the people who serve us and their is kindness and respect, as if they are meeting an old friend. Goodness.

When they ask what they can do to help their Dad when he struggles, showing a greater empathy than most their age. Goodness.

Grateful for my friend's simple sincere observation. I was suddenly more grateful for the blessings each one of my kids are...

Their journey in and through gospel is theirs. Something they must discover in their way and in their time. My love for them, just like their Heavenly Fathers is not dependant on that, and is always there regardless of where they may be in that journey.

I am so grateful for the goodness in each of my kids. We are blessed beyond measure. 

90 Days In

Three months ago today... I was sustained as the  Relief Society President. A calling I,  and I'm sure a few others NEVER imagined coming to me, but I don't think anyone ever anticipates such a thing...

These first three months have been humbling and funny, surprising and overwhelming, tearful and prayerful...and honestly some of the hardest for my family personally.

{How grateful I am for a kind bishop's council: Robin, He knew it would get much harder, before it got any easier when He called you, He will help you.}

I have a new understanding of love and worry, of hope and forgiveness and of the incredible and often unique challenges our Heavenly Father asks each of his children to face.

I an learning there is safety and security in the handbook.

 {I keep thinking I should re-write lyrics to the Primary song "Follow the Prophet". "Follow the Handbook", sounds rather catchy, don't you think? :) }

I am learning of the infinite love our Heavenly Father and how important it is for everyone regardless of personal circumstances to feel of that love though us.

I am beyond grateful for the lessons of  my crazy childhood and the struggles of my far from perfect family... There is tremendous value in a "me -too".

I think often of the Relief Society Presidents who walked with me through my greatest challenges...and hope to emulate in some small degree the kindness and wisdom they showed me, as I walk with others.

I am so thankful for the amazing women who serve with me, who lighten my load and share my tears.

I have been helped, again and again as I plead for guidance "please help me hear the words you would hear and see the heart you would know"...
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I am beyond humbled by the faith and trust others have given me and realize that it is very sacred ground I stand on when another lets me know of their heartache...

I'm still me, the same Robin that swears too much and yells at her kids and does everything imaginable to get out of making dinner and laughs when I shouldn't  and, and , and...but the last 90 days I have felt my heart grow...and growing is a very good thing.

D's Knee

Are you sure you actually hurt it???

Yeah just come get me.

Grant drew the short straw and sat in the ER with the boy for 5 hours....

The moment of impact...

Ouch...

Follow up with the doctor today and it sounds like it's even more damaged (LCL, MCL and possibly the ACL) than we thought...sigh. Time and PT will tell.

Oh Dallyn why do you insist on playing rugby?

Crappy Mother's Day...

I totally got called out, when I announced that it would be Mother's Day next week in Relief Society, Sunday....

I hadn't even noticed the deflection in my voice until a friendly sister called me on it...

"How can you dispise Mother's Day Robin, when you have all those kids??"

"Yeah I know, I've spent years in counselling and I'm still working on that..." was my hahaha response...

Mother's Day is hard...something like ripping a Bandaid off a sunburn, for me. A day when tender heartache simmers to the surface and tears are never far away...

And no it's not because I am not grateful for the blessings of becoming a mother, I know I have been blessed beyond measure in that department.

It's my mom, well not really its the part where, sometimes we had Mom and sometimes we had an angry stranger...

And mostly the part were the last near decade of mom's life it was nearly always the angry stranger...

Most will not experience the things Kelli and I did.

I no longer blame her for the hurt and agony her illness caused, but for years I did, unable and even  unwilling to separate Mom from the illness that ravaged her mind.

I no longer hate her, but at one time I did. I still hate the illness that stole my kind and brilliant mother from Kelli and I...

I have mostly set aside those tragic experiences of more than a decade ago, accepting  that my

understanding the why, is it not meant for now...

But there is a sadness and  guilt, and probably even a little envy that comes on Mother's Day...

I'm so sorry mom.

I wish things could have been different.

I miss you.

Sunday did come.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, this one is probably worth a million...

A normal Sunday morning after so many that were anything but normal.

Torment. And even that word seems grossly insufficient....My Superman has been so, so ill these last three or so months. We have felt so often helpless as nothing could comfort his suffering mind and body. Bipolar disorder is the epitome of unfair. And over these last months we have been brought to the very edge of our faith, countless times...

How could a loving God, leave us to suffer, after doing all we could do?

Grant's heartache reached a boiling point and so had is anger with God, both of us almost certain relief would never come again....

An email sent begging for release, but instead the two kind and loving recipients, heard my Superman's cries for relief  and reached out to comfort and sustain,

Simple words reached a wounded soul in a moment I will always cherish. Courage given for one more step. I will be forever grateful for those friends who gently walk this road by our sides.

Sunday did come. We still have a long rocky road ahead, but even if its just one normal Sunday I will never forget the miracle of a normal Sunday morning.