Sometimes They Leave.

I read the words slowly again and again, before dawn broke that morning. Sleep had escaped me most of the night my heart already hurting from a very difficult day as a Relief Society president. Tears came fast as the words and their meanings became clear through my tears. I felt an already heavy heart fall...

My kids were never supposed to leave the church. I took them every Sunday with bows in their hair and matching dresses and everything (well except the boy, he got a tie)...

But the words were right in front of me. Undeniable no matter how slowly I read them. 

Mom, Dad, I have something I need to tell you...I'm leaving the Church...and I don't want to talk about it.

 My heart ached for my child. And my children who have already left.

Through my tears my fingers slowly typed...

We love you, that will never change! We will always show you kindness and compassion no matter where you are in your journey and wish you nothing but hope and happiness. 
Love,
Mom

*****

If they had just said more prayers as a family or had family home evening or made their kids go to church longer or served more diligently or handled their trials differently....their kids would have stayed...active.

Surely no one thinks this way, that would be judgmental. But I know they do, because I did. Time will always be a funny teacher.

*****
With some time I am beginning to understand.

Yes my mama's heart is broken....but not for the reasons I first thought....It breaks as I think of the fear she must have gone through as she typed those words and how her heart must have ached as she waited for our response....will they still love and respect me? or will they turn away from me? That is what breaks my heart.

My love for each of my children will NEVER change, nothing could make me stop loving them. They are good and kind and loving, each of them, amazing. None of that has changed. I pray each day that I can be the mom they need and that I will always show them the love and kindness they deserve where ever they are in their journey.