Better Broken.

Go easy, this wasn't easy to share.....

Conference weekend, a year ago, I lost it. My front tooth broke and it felt like my world was imploding on its self. All the fear and deep secrets I had held for decades felt completely exposed. I was a failure and a fraud. I started sobbing and couldn't stop. It would be days and days before i could stop. I needed help and could no longer hide from that fact. It was the most scared I have ever been.

I had secretly made this note on my phone a few days before.....

Also on this list was talk to my bishop. 

Grant called our family counselor. That counselor just listened as I sobbed and sobbed. Never once did I feel judgement, just a desire to help and guide. (He is such a blessing to our family.) 

Grant got me to the doctor, I hadn't had an appointment in 15 years. Our new doctor was so kind. I was terrified, but he listened and honored my needed boundaries and gave me a safe place to acknowledge the extreme anxiety I had suffered since childhood. Medication began that day and has become a much needed safety net.

Next came the dentist, I shook and sobbed.  I was the only one not shocked at the x-ray. How are you not dying in pain?? I am.  Major oral surgery and dentures followed two months later. 

Our family doctor also sent me to a physiatrist (MD specializing in rehabilitation) For the first time I was in control and able to honestly discuss how my cerebral palsy truly affected my mobility and daily life. For the first time in my life my disability was validated. Botox and braces brought stability and so much less pain.

My family counselor  helped (and continues to help) me bravely navigate terrifying emotions and experiences that had been tucked away, some for thirty years plus years. These were things I had vowed NEVER to deal with, but my ability to hide was gone and it all flooded out like a tsunami. All my fears and phobias. All the guilt and shame on full display. Terrified relief. 

I was certain I would be released from my calling. How can I do this? I'm completely broken and felt so far from worthy. Between the family counselor and a chance to go to a training meeting with Elder Bednar and an opportunity to shake Elder Bednar's hand. {As I shook his hand I instantly felt my heavenly fathers love for me and his desire to help me heal}. I had the courage to speak with my bishop about the guilt and shame that I had carried for decades. That meeting is the most sacred experiences. Forgiveness is real. I am forever grateful for a compassionate bishop.

The last year has been one of tremendous growth and I have continued to serve in my calling with amazing support. When I wrote that list I never imagined accomplishing any one of those things. But one led to another and then another... I am a different person, stronger... I will always need medication and professional help but I feel a freedom I never imagine would be mine. There will always be work ahead but I understand my value and how much my heavenly father loves me in a more profound way. Each terrifying step was so worth it. 

Now I am a better broken.

You are never too broken to find peace. He will help, I promise. Grateful for all  the angel friends who continue to walk beside me in this journey.