Today I'm Grateful.

We could have never known just how uncertain our future would ever be or how hard it would get.

China Creek 2004

The last six months...I've come to the conclusion there are not words in the English language to tell the story and many don't have the context to understand our the depth of such suffering. Grant's stability was gone. Almost overnight we were in the middle of the worst storm we had ever experienced.

This can't get worse. But it did. Again and again. The light, gone. Hope, fleeting. The illness just raged.

Grant insisted he fulfill his high council speaking assignment in October. I fully doubted he could do it, and tried everything to get him to cancel. The entire drive to Nanaimo, I felt sick, completely aware of just how unwell he was. Seriously Heavenly Father?? Why?

I watched as he struggled to get out of the seat next to me. The next twenty minutes could not move fast enough for me...

Grant grabbed each side of the pulpit, each hand hanging on for dear life.

"I'm grateful to be here today, actually grateful to be anywhere today...."

I hang my head trying to hide my tears. Knowing if I made eye contact with any of the few who knew in the congregation just how poignant Grant's statement. I would start sobbing....The spirit flooded my heart as Grant spoke with strength and clarity. How is this even possible, with as sick as he is?? His spirit isn't mentally ill. I know this. Still the miracle of the moment humbled me.

His talk ended. As we left the stand I could see in his face he had just given all he had to give that talk. The illness had only taken a twenty minute siesta...

Three more days, I just have to get him to his psychiatrist's appointment on Wednesday.

72 hours of tormented hell, the culmination of the last six months...

I thought I was losing him. Rational thought had left the building. The rage so intense, I could not imagine anything worse...

Tuesday night he begged not to go to his appointment.

I prayed that entire night. Not for a miracle, not for healing.

For courage and that the psychiatrist would be inspired. Inspired just to know what to do next....

We walked in that office more exhausted and weary than we had ever been. Please hear us, I thought.

As the brutal honesty of the last months flooded from my mouth, I fought back fear, panic, heartbreak. Even Grant found the courage to admit just how bad it was.

The doctor was so kind. He acknowledged the intensity of the storm we were walking through. Patient and caregiver. He showed compassion, not pity. Honored my dignity and Grant's.  By the end of the hour he had a plan. No promises but a plan. I have never felt the spirit in a medical appoint like right then. I knew Heavenly Father had answered my pleading from the night and months before. The doctor did know what to do next.

. We left just as exhausted, but hope wasn't so fleeting. 

The storm has slowly slowly slowly calmed. How long will this reprieve, hold? Its unknown. How lives are forever changed, but I have always promised my heavenly father that no matter what comes, I will always be grateful for each good hour or day.

Today I am grateful.