Waiting For Sunday

Sometimes trials and heartache sneak up, blindsiding us. Others come roaring towards us like a freight train. We know they are coming and can do nothing to get out of the way....My head knew what we were facing, when we got the call in February. My head knew it wasn't going to be good or easy. But my heart, Quietly I prayed things would somehow be different, with my Dad.....

5 weeks ago

And Now.

Now my heart is trying to accept that my Dad's mind and body are losing their battle with dementia and malnutrition. Why must he suffer.

As soon as the Superman and I get moved, we are headed to Utah....probably to say goodbye.

The memories of losing Mom, still vivid...walking out of her nursing home, knowing it was the last time I would see her in this life, took every strength I had...In my heart, begging Heavenly Father to take away her suffering. Four days later she was gone.

  Not once did I ever imagine we would do it again.

I am prepared for the sight of his physical decline...but how do you prepare for the possibility your Dad might not remember who you are. How do you come to terms with saying goodbye, long before you knew you were.

Thinking about it all, brings instant tears. I wish I could fast forward this part of life.

There is a poem that I found when we were losing mom....

Where has my mother gone?
Will it be long before she passes on,
To God's loving arms of release,
Granting us both sweet release.
For wondering and fears.
Will know longer go on
Because I'll know where my mother has gone.

Saying goodbye is important to me, but not at the price of his suffering...I have left with my Heavenly Father, its not up to me. It's up to Him.

I do not know why some must suffer greatly in this life. But I find great comfort in the following quote.....


“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”
― Joseph B. Wirthlin

Birthday Cake Cop-out

When it comes to birthdays around here I am totally mother of the year....Madison's sweet sixteen was yesterday and we did nothing....Between packing boxes, babysitting jobs, the ward talent show and Superman's work schedule we were never all in the same place....We promised we would celebrate BIG TIME when everybody was around this week end.....

But Maddie did get the pair of shoes she wanted. We offered a cell phone but Maddie wanted the shoes more than the phone (she's weird) Plus she is saving for the fancy-dancy cell phone she really wants, not the "low-rent one we would buy her".... Whatever.

The entire ward sang to her at the talent show...but around 9:30 pm it dawned on me (in WalMart) that we hadn't done a birthday cake...see I really am Mother of the Year....But I found these....

This totally counts doesn't it??? Madison got her very own bag of Birthday Cake Oreos....So I only redeemed myself slightly :) Madison we will make it up to you .

Happy Birthday and thanks for being such an easy going kid. We love you, really we do!

I'm So Sorry Dad.

We've seen it coming for months, years really. But the reality of today sucks.

"I feel like I've admitted him to HELL, Robin" Kelli tells me after the family/hospital meeting to determine our Dad's future care, this afternoon.

Skilled nursing care in the secured memory care unit, our only option, he didn't qualify for assisted living.

Severe dementia and malnutrition, have left him completely dependent on others for even his basic care now.

"Man I wish he was in Canada, Mom was in the Hilton compared to this place, Robin"

The US health care system is such a stark contrast to our Universal system here. With Mom we never had to contend with Insurance companies and paperwork. When she needed the care, it was there, the financial burden never crossed our minds, her care was covered completely.

Such is not the case for my Dad....

Even with the understanding,  that he will be living in better conditions in the nursing home than he has chosen for himself in California, my heart is sick over it.

A mind lost, dignity gone.

There is not even a glimpse of the man he once was. How will they love and respect my Dad when all they will see is complete dependence, anger, confusion and frustration.

How will they know....

My Dad:

is so funny

can conduct a symphony

can shoot a fly out of mid air with a rubber band

loves converse high-tops and brightly coloured glasses

loves to ski

taught thousands of students to love music over his nearly forty year teaching career

would say often "now the Church isn't for me but, you take my Grand kids don't you?"

ended every single phone call my whole life with "I Love you too, Robin!"

They don't know that, but we will always remember. Oh how I wish things could be different.

I'm so sorry Dad.

Farm Envy

The Superman and I have always had the "some-day dream" of living out in the country on a small farm...But since we are still mastering the concept of keeping the rug rats and dog feed and alive, and the lawn mowed, it hasn't happened yet....

But we do suffer from FARM ENVY and live somewhat vicariously through our friends who own farms and manage to keep their kids, dogs and livestock alive on them.

Today we spent a few hours on our friends bison farm....and LOVED it !

Dallyn hasn't rode a dirt bike since he was four, but bombed around on this one, like Evil Knievel...There isn't an ounce of fear in this kids body. He had the time of his life.

Alex climbing the hay stacks, chasing barn cats.

Bailey with the bison who's days are numbered.

Madison climbing fences.

Such a beautiful peaceful place :)

Still Laughing...

If you have never had a parent with dementia or mental illness, its okay to laugh at this post, I promise you probably won't go to heck for doing so.

For reasons, I am not supposed to understand, both my parents have not aged gracefully and have lost their ability to comprehend, even the simplest things, long before their time. It's the true definition of heartbreaking. My sister and I have found one {some would think odd}way of coping...

We laugh. A lot.

Mental Illness. Dementia. Not funny.

Some of the things parents with mental illness and dementia, do, funny....{here are the few TAME enough for family blogging}

My mom once ate her T-bone steak, in the middle of a fancy restaurant, with her hands, like a chicken drumstick. The more we asked her to stop, the more animated her eating became.

Or the time we discovered my mom had been labelled a "frequent flyer" but not the airline kind. She was on a first name basis with every EMS professional in the city of Lethbridge. She would even complain if it was one of the "older" ambulances.

Or the time the nurses had to take her phone away because she continually called 9-1-1 to report the illegal grow-op in the nursing home's basement. No basement. No Grow-op.

My Dad once stole the "it's a BOY" stork sign from a neighbours yard, crossed out all the information with a sharpie and add my sister's sons name...then sent a picture with the sign now proudly displayed in his living room

Or the time my Dad "borrowed" the neighbours cat, because her wanted one...it took us a week to convince my Dad that a cat with a collar, tag and bell was not a stray (the cat was safely returned home)

But we are still laughing, after a hospital representative met with my sister yesterday after trying to verify information my Dad had given them....The Medicare system down in the States is a stark contrast to our universal heath system in Canada...requiring a lot of protocol and paperwork. So during an extensive health history the hospital rep was trying to take. My Dad matter-of-factly informed them that in his free time he enjoys....

"Gardening and growing marijuana"

The hospital representative wanted to confirm this with my sister....

Kelli burst out laughing!

My Dad has always hated yard work, can't keep a house plant alive, and, as far was we know does not grow marijuana...sigh.

{Remember my Dad is hospitalized in my sister's very conservative, very Mormon town, very small town. :) }

Thankfully they decided not to included that in their official report.

But we are still laughing.....

 

Stuff Found

Many good things about packing up your house....you find stuff!!!

Bailey's birth certificate....saved me $80

My Costco card...this won't save me a dime :)

The foot piece to my fancy hiking stick (of course, I'll be running up mountains this very weekend)

Scissors (13 pairs and counting) All the ones we can never find.

The graphing calculator I had to replace already.

A red spiral notebook....

Over the Summer of 2009, Every time my Dad called I asked him questions about his life, mainly his childhood. As we talked, I jotted down notes in a red spiral notebook. I had mostly forgotten about it. But came across it while cleaning off the shelves in our back hallway yesterday....It made me cry as I flipped through the pages.

 After my Mom passed away, I realized there were so many things about her I simply didn't know, I had never thought to even ask her. I didn't want to say the same thing about my Dad....so I started asking questions....

Because of our talks I know that...

That he went to primary, on Tuesdays and met on the 2nd floor of the 1st Ward building in Logan.


He had a black and white terrier, named Mickey


His favourite cartoon was The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show.


He had polio the summer before he started High School, and spent three weeks in St Benedict's Hospital in Ogden.


One of his first jobs was as an usher at the Capital Theater in Logan. Wage 35 cents/hour


He played in a Jazz Trio every Friday and Saturday night, during college at the Del Mar Club in Logan and because of Utah's liquor law's you had to bring your on booze.


Entered the Army because he was flunking out of College (served in West Germany)


Got his bachelor's and master's degree in Music.


His favourite time of year is Spring.



Even more poignant, now that he is unable to answer even basic questions.

I will treasure our talks and the things I know about my Dad because of them.


Take away: Ask while you can. Someday the answers will no longer be there.

Fear Factor : Maddie'll Do It!

My rug rats are really gross!!! But this one wins the prize tonight.


She also ate this....

Yup, Buffalo Prairie Oysters or has Dallyn called them buffalo man parts.

Madison did not inherit her lack of gag reflex from me...trust me I'm heaving just thinking about it. She had to brush her teeth and gargle before she was allowed back in the house ;)

Way to go Maddie...way to honour the Kramer name :)