A Final Goodbye.

 I have thought long and hard about posting it, death is a part of life, but for many it is a difficult, if not taboo subject.

 In the hours and days following our Dad's death, I was instantly aware that others were grieving the loss of our Dad too. As my sister phoned his brother, a sister-in-law, friends in the minutes that followed,  I felt terrible that they had to feel our heart ache too. There was an instant need to comfort others...

Most were completely unaware of my Dad's rapid decline....The torment and torchure of his dementia, the malnutrition and weight loss it caused.He really suffered. For me, his death meant a release, a peace of sorts, his suffering was over....We found ourselves explaining again and again that we were at peace, this was a blessing, that at least he didn't linger, his suffering wasn't long...word of comfort for others. But are hearts ache and ache....

The hardest two moments for me was seeing my Dad in the casket for the first time as Kelli and I had the arduous decision of having an open casket veiwing or closed...We knew his apperance would shock people and in no way wanted to add to anyones heart ache...he looked slightly better than we had anticipated so we had the casket open....

Seeing my Dad one final time as they closed the casket was the worst moment ever {it was at my Mom's funeral too, so I was sort of perpared} Final goodbyes will always be hard. We honoured my Dad by burying him in a red and black track suit and red Converse high tops...anything else would not have been him.

Funerals are never fun. Planning one is even less fun. The funeral director was an amazing man, though, so down to earth and helpful...He was the first director I've met that didn't creep me out. This made the process so much simplier the second time....

Dad's service was perfect. Full of a few tears, but many more laughs....just the way we and he wanted it. It was amazing to me those who came....life long friends, family, even a handful of my Mom's cousins. Saying good bye is so hard but it helps to not do it alone....

His surviving brother, son-in laws and nephews carried Dad to his final resting place.

A brother says goodbye.

So does his Grandson and name sake.

Good bye Dad.

Sisters

Okay, as kids we never looked like siblings, much less twins,  but as adults I have to admit we look way more alike....

I saw a sign in the airport once that said: "God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends"

Now it wasn't Prozac for us, we needed stronger meds  ;) It is an unbreakable bond that forms when you share a childhood and beyond full of joy, difficult heartbreak, uncertainty, loss, and hopeful optimism. One of my sweetest tender mercies in life is my sister...Heavenly Father knew I would always need someone by my side and because of my twin, I have never had to walk through loss or heartache alone.

We were asked twice in the days following my Dad's death. "Soooo, how does it feel being orphans now?!?" I'm thinking they meant well, but not exactly the first worlds of comfort that I would think to share....The first time I stood there slightly stunned, because the fact that we are now orphans hadn't really sunk in...the second time I had to walk away, because the crazy comment made me snicker and want to break into a rousing rendition of "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow"...its just how my brain works....

How does this orphan feel...

It sucks.

It makes me sad.

It is a relief of sorts.

You know that feeling you have right after you get off the scrambler or zipper at the carnival....that's really how I feel. Like my body is going through the motions but my head is still spinning. Its going to take sometime to catch my breath.

 {So please be patient with me, but don't ignore me, my heartache, or grief}

The last two weeks have been hard, really hard, but I know one thing for sure,  

My sister is a super hero....trust me. I guess she's bat(wo)man and I'm Robin :)

Gratitude for Grandpa

Burying a parent makes for a difficult heart wrenching day....but for now I will be forever grateful for a day to honor my Dad.

Today's gratitude list...

Brad, my cousin who eloquently captured Dad's life in words filled with love, laughter and a good dose of Merrill wit, that obviously does not skip generations.

Uncle John, who shared "Les" stories that had us laughing and shedding a tear, as most could relate our very own "Les" experience

Kamaile (Sis Pung)(& Jorge) who sang beautifully, and was my little piece of Courtenay comfort on a sad day

The Superman who shared his testimony of our eternal nature and comfort in our grief.

Aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who showed endless love and kindness to two grieving daughters

My nephew Zach who grabbed my hand as I followed the casket out of the chapel, and said when he noticed I was crying "It's ok Aunt Robin, you'll see him again"

The vast array of jello salads at the luncheon, that reminded me yes we are in Utah and gave me something to secretly mock, I mean smile about.

And my sweet Superman who as we were collecting flowers after the graveside service, looked at me with a big bunch of roses and said "Happy Anniversery!?!" giving Kelli and I (and I'm sure Dad) something to laugh at.

The chance to say goodbye in the way we chose.

My knowledge that families are forever.

Dad's Obit

Writing a parent's obituary is much harder than you think, but Kelli and I managed to muscle through it ....

Leslie (Les) Eugene Merrill, age 76, of Yorba Linda, California, passed away April 6, 2012 in Nephi, Utah, after a brief loss of independence due to dementia.  We will dearly miss his contagious laugh, Merrill wit, brightly colored glasses, crazy tennis shoes and perfect jazz rhythms. The world is a little lonelier now with one less Merrill brother, father and friend.

Dad was born October 14, 1935 in Logan, Utah to Beena D. Peterson and Wendell William Merrill. Always a Logan boy at heart, he graduated from Logan High School (1954), and Utah State University with a Bachelor’s of Science (1962) and Master’s of Music (1968).  He served in the army for two years.

Dad married, Lynne Elaine Hamilton (deceased), on a weekend whim, August 31, 1963 in Las Vegas Nevada. After years with empty arms their family was complete with the birth of twin daughters in 1974.

Dad’s life long love of music, especially jazz percussion, led to successful careers in both teaching and performance. A public educator for 40 years teaching at Santiago High School, Santa Ana College, and Cypress College in Southern California. He taught thousands of students to love music. He found great delight later in his music career as a long time adjudicator at the Lionel Hampton Jazz Festival.  He also enjoyed tennis, skiing, sightseeing, travel, and could almost always be found with a camera around his neck.

Survived by twin daughters: Robin (Grant) Kramer of Courtenay, BC, Canada and Kelli (Jason) Stilson of Nephi, UT, brother: John (Beverly) Merrill of Bakersfield, CA, and grandchildren: Holly, Bailey, Madison, Alex, Dallyn, Zachary, and Mya, sister-in-laws: Ardella Merrill of Logan, UT and Alice Merrill Simonsen of Salt Lake City, UT.

Proceeded in death by his sister Ollie Jean, brothers William, Peter, and Robert, his mother and father.

Funeral services will be held on Saturday, April 14^th, 2012 at 11am in the Nephi 1^st Ward LDS Ward Chapel 222 S. 100 E., Nephi, UT.  A viewing will be held one hour prior. Internment will follow at the Nephi City Cemetery 400 N. 400 E.  Funeral arrangements by Anderson Funeral Home.

The family would like to thank the medical staff of Central Valley Medical Center and Heritage Hills Care Center but especially Dr. Rasmussen and Central Valley Hospice for their kind and compassionate care.

Four Goodbyes

We had planned for weeks to leave for Utah on Good Friday....

Monday, "If you don't get on a plane now you will lose the chance to say goodbye" The thought had gone through my mind all day, but when the Superman called from work and said the same thing, I knew I had to put my flying phobia aside and listen...

Within minutes Grant had the time booked off and the tickets reserved...

We arrived in Utah 36 hours later.

Recognition, joy, confusion, agitation, fear, frustration, torment, peaceful rest.

Forty four hours and four goodbyes. Then one final goodbye. Good Friday.

Time and goodbyes a sacred gift.

We are so blessed.

Until we meet again Dad, I love you.

Utah Tears and Joy.

I've discovered many things about my self in the last few days...

My fear of flying is nearly cured while playing fruit ninja at 37,000 feet.

Not latching a airport washroom stall tightly provided great entertainment for some Japanese travellers.

Sharing your fight with missionaries heading home, lessens the airplane crash phobia considerably.

Seeing my twin sister after six years AWESOME...I didn'T realize how much I have missed her.

Nothing could have prepared for seeing my Dad, Nothing....My understanding of suffering was defined by watching my mom suffer, I never thought you could suffer more than that. I was simply wrong. The image of his sunken eyes and withered body will haunt me. As a grabbed his frail hand my heart wanted to run from the heart ache. The tender mercy, he knew me. The light returned to his eyes for a moment, and he knew me....That will always be a sacred moment to me.

From heart ache to joy....Meeting our niece and nephew for the first time. Zach met me with the biggest bear hug a four year old could muster...."Aunt Robin , I love you!" Mya, gave Uncle Grant a big smile and a high five. They are absolutely delightful.

Today Dad was scared, confused, and was not able to form much of what he wanted to say...Help and I want to go home was all I could make out from his mumbling. Witnessing his struggle to swallow and cough was tramatizing. My heart ached for him and tears flowed freely.

Why must those we love suffer... It is question I am really stuuggling with...

I am grateful that we came down earlier than planned, I will never regret this chance to say goodbye.

One a brighter note, the rug rats are holding down the fort nicely, Holly said "Don't worry mom I stopped Dallyn from drinking Windex and told Madison and Bailey to put down the sledge hammers. And then Dallyn says " I told them bikinis only in the hot tub.

Man I love my kids, they can always make me laugh, even when I'm crying.

Not Fine!

I don't need an easy button...What I desperately need is a pause button. Sadly neither exsist. I feel like I can't catch my breath. Waiting for a parent to die, moving, dealing with mental illness takes a lot more energy than I care to actually admitt. It's been such a LONG year.

 I'm fine! We've done this before, we can do it again. We've got tons of support. I've said this over and over again in the last days and weeks trying to convience others but mostly myself that I'm fine.

 I'm not fine. My dad is dying, would you be fine???

Just because I've done it before, by no means I'm any more prepared to lose a parent again.

I'm overwhelmed, it takes so much energy to deal with the simplist things, I can't remember the last time my kids had a meal that I was in charge of, that didn't involve the question "would you like fries with that?" or "preheat the oven to 375F" If it weren't for my rugrats my house would be a disaster area.

I wouldn't have gotten the last house clean without a visiting teacher who scrubbed along my side for hours until it was done. This house got completely unpacked in less than a week and Grant even made Sunday dinner....that's normal life, right?

For what every reason, a relatively minor bump in the road today sent all the emotions of the last two months, but year really, crashing down and all I could do is cry...a lot. The superman took over and helped me realize its time to go to Utah now, so I will have a chance to say goodbye. Something I thought I didn't need, but I was wrong. We will go as soon as we can arrange flights.

Two phone calls today from loving family members who did not know my Dad is dying...Its surreal....Dad is no longer able to swallow or cough, efectively or use the washroom or stand without falling, or remember his surroundings...so aggitated....it breaks my heart. As I relate his situation for the first time I allow myself to feel the pain, I allowed myself to cry. This is harder the second time because I know whats coming, and I want to run.

Now I just pray for courage and strength and that his suffering will stop.