Not Fine!

I don't need an easy button...What I desperately need is a pause button. Sadly neither exsist. I feel like I can't catch my breath. Waiting for a parent to die, moving, dealing with mental illness takes a lot more energy than I care to actually admitt. It's been such a LONG year.

 I'm fine! We've done this before, we can do it again. We've got tons of support. I've said this over and over again in the last days and weeks trying to convience others but mostly myself that I'm fine.

 I'm not fine. My dad is dying, would you be fine???

Just because I've done it before, by no means I'm any more prepared to lose a parent again.

I'm overwhelmed, it takes so much energy to deal with the simplist things, I can't remember the last time my kids had a meal that I was in charge of, that didn't involve the question "would you like fries with that?" or "preheat the oven to 375F" If it weren't for my rugrats my house would be a disaster area.

I wouldn't have gotten the last house clean without a visiting teacher who scrubbed along my side for hours until it was done. This house got completely unpacked in less than a week and Grant even made Sunday dinner....that's normal life, right?

For what every reason, a relatively minor bump in the road today sent all the emotions of the last two months, but year really, crashing down and all I could do is cry...a lot. The superman took over and helped me realize its time to go to Utah now, so I will have a chance to say goodbye. Something I thought I didn't need, but I was wrong. We will go as soon as we can arrange flights.

Two phone calls today from loving family members who did not know my Dad is dying...Its surreal....Dad is no longer able to swallow or cough, efectively or use the washroom or stand without falling, or remember his surroundings...so aggitated....it breaks my heart. As I relate his situation for the first time I allow myself to feel the pain, I allowed myself to cry. This is harder the second time because I know whats coming, and I want to run.

Now I just pray for courage and strength and that his suffering will stop.