Crappy Mother's Day...

I totally got called out, when I announced that it would be Mother's Day next week in Relief Society, Sunday....

I hadn't even noticed the deflection in my voice until a friendly sister called me on it...

"How can you dispise Mother's Day Robin, when you have all those kids??"

"Yeah I know, I've spent years in counselling and I'm still working on that..." was my hahaha response...

Mother's Day is hard...something like ripping a Bandaid off a sunburn, for me. A day when tender heartache simmers to the surface and tears are never far away...

And no it's not because I am not grateful for the blessings of becoming a mother, I know I have been blessed beyond measure in that department.

It's my mom, well not really its the part where, sometimes we had Mom and sometimes we had an angry stranger...

And mostly the part were the last near decade of mom's life it was nearly always the angry stranger...

Most will not experience the things Kelli and I did.

I no longer blame her for the hurt and agony her illness caused, but for years I did, unable and even  unwilling to separate Mom from the illness that ravaged her mind.

I no longer hate her, but at one time I did. I still hate the illness that stole my kind and brilliant mother from Kelli and I...

I have mostly set aside those tragic experiences of more than a decade ago, accepting  that my

understanding the why, is it not meant for now...

But there is a sadness and  guilt, and probably even a little envy that comes on Mother's Day...

I'm so sorry mom.

I wish things could have been different.

I miss you.

Sunday did come.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, this one is probably worth a million...

A normal Sunday morning after so many that were anything but normal.

Torment. And even that word seems grossly insufficient....My Superman has been so, so ill these last three or so months. We have felt so often helpless as nothing could comfort his suffering mind and body. Bipolar disorder is the epitome of unfair. And over these last months we have been brought to the very edge of our faith, countless times...

How could a loving God, leave us to suffer, after doing all we could do?

Grant's heartache reached a boiling point and so had is anger with God, both of us almost certain relief would never come again....

An email sent begging for release, but instead the two kind and loving recipients, heard my Superman's cries for relief  and reached out to comfort and sustain,

Simple words reached a wounded soul in a moment I will always cherish. Courage given for one more step. I will be forever grateful for those friends who gently walk this road by our sides.

Sunday did come. We still have a long rocky road ahead, but even if its just one normal Sunday I will never forget the miracle of a normal Sunday morning.

But That's Not Today

 

{Mental Illness Poster Family}

I sat waiting for Grant's prescriptions and I felt my mind disconnecting from my surroundings...The previous hour Grant's doctor confirmed a reality, our hearts knew, but our minds had refused to accept.  I wanted nothing more than to escape the florescent lights of public and let my tears flow privately...

Ten weeks ago I knew things for Superman were starting to slip but I was in no place to admit it. Day after day the sands of stability slipped grain by grain through our fingers until it was gone.

Frustration, Fear, Commotion, Agitation, times a thousand.  Then an inability to do... anything...

Sitting in the same recliner day after day, watching movie after movie. My superman was lost in the fog and frenzy of Bipolar disorder and I the caregiver, wondering what the HELL am I supposed to do now and even more, how the heck a loving God could allow such a cruel illness to torment my kind, gentle husband again and again.

Finally convinced, we sat with his Psychiatrist. With difficult and heartbreaking words we confirm yet another manic to depressive episode. This should not happen, with him already way beyond medication limits, but it did and does...What now?? One more try, but no one is hopeful it will hold the illness at bay for long....So many failures and so many options behind us.... What's next is discussed with as much compassionate honesty as possible, but it does little to lighten the load that suddenly feels heavier than ever....His doctor expresses sincere compassion to both of us and I am beyond grateful for his expertise and kindness, but I cannot deny my fear.

Scared. Overwhelmed. Heartbroken. 

Will healing or reprieve ever come??? Can he survive this if it doesn't?

I finally escape the florescent lights of public and my tears flow.

Hours later I go out to mow the lawn, cause you know life never stops, even when you will it to  and while I angrily push that damn lawn mower...

I tell God how angry I am...

How unfair this is...

How Grant doesn't deserve this.....

How tired I am of being the poster-family for mental illness...

How much I feel like a fake and even a failure...

How not-strong I am...

And at one point I looked up at the rising moon and said...

"Why do you HATE us?!?!" and I meant it...

Then in my mind I heard these words...

"But, Robin, that's not today..."

What's not today?

 

After many minutes I got it...

Yes the future looks really SCARY and UNCERTAIN...

But that's not today....you are not there today.

Today there is hope.

Grant has a long road ahead of him and my heart aches for his suffering, but no matter the future our hope will guide us.

   

 

Unavailable.

I didn't even realize how tender my heart was until a simple word sent tears I couldn't stop...

It's been so incredibly hard these last few months as I watched my Superman slip deeper and deeper into the abyss of bipolar disorder. Fear and turmoil grip tighter as we search for stability....

For more than a month,  I've gone to Church without him...

He's supposed to be sitting on the stand next to the bishop, but he isn't there.

Sunday was the first time his absence was acknowledged from the pulpit...

We'd like to excuse Brother Kramer today, he is unavailable.

No hurt was meant by these words, an explanation meant to acknowledge and even protect...

He's not unavailable, he's ILL, seriously ILL....Tears rolled down my cheeks as I hid my face and tried to sink into pew.... I heard nothing else that meeting and simply cried, my heart unable to hold all the fear and worry and isolation of the weeks before...my heart simply ached.

If only my sweetheart's suffering were more understood.

Enough.

You do enough.

Three words, in the middle of a text message. But the compassion and understanding of those ten letters, made me cry...

Enough.

Superman is not well right now and  we are both scared of the uncertainty ahead of us. We feel exhausted, battered and at the mercy of an unrelenting illness....simple things are Everest to him, it is heartbreaking...

Still, Grant is ever mindful of the effects his illness has on others...he knows the anguish of judgement, disappoint, fear and shame more than most. In his struggle to function many have had to pick up the pieces, and Grant apologizes often....

"I'm sorry"

"don't worry...you do enough."

We've heard it all over the years....so when compassion and understanding are instant...tears come easily.

It's been so hard, but there is a sacred beauty, in kind words and shared tears....

We know we are loved by many.

Strength Beyond My Own

My Superman had this brilliant idea to quite his Coke Zero habit and cut chocolate bars out of his life, in the same two weeks he is also dealing with a med change and trying to teach two eager, teenagers, who think they are ready for the Indy 500, to drive...

These are also the same weeks I am trying to figure out how to be a Relief Society president who swears a lot less and loves a little more....

The Lord will bless you. That's supposed to start any day now, RIGHT?!?!

It's funny how at first glance it feels like these last two weeks have been our craziest yet and I must admit that on more than one occasion, I have asked...
"Heavenly Father...what were you thinking?"

 But, in the midst of crazy, there really are blessings...

The kindness and encouragement of others. The trust and faith and honesty of those I serve for and with is humbling....

When people let you into their darkest and deepest struggles and find the courage to ask for help. You are standing on sacred ground. I hope the blessing and responsibility of that is never lost on me. 

Oddly, I'm more confident than ever that things will work out and that our Heavenly Father helps in more ways than we will ever know....

 Savior, may I learn to love thee,

Walk the path that thou hast shown,

Pause to help and lift another,

Finding strength beyond my own.

Finding strength beyond my own....

I have had that strength come over and over again these last two weeks, that is where the blessings are...

Trials in this life will never disappear, our journey was never meant to be easy or perfect, but I will be forever grateful for all the blessings that help along the way. :)

Are You Sure?!

Except my tshirt would say....

"Can't DRIVE"

"Won't COOK"

"Drinks DR PEPPER"

And by the way, the TSHIRT doesn't work....

The first words out of my mouth after our bishop extended the call were....

"Are you sure?!?!?, you know I don't drive right?!?! 

He reassured me over and over that he hadn't made a mistake and that I just needed to call councillors who could do what I could not...

I wondered and wondered in the days before I was sustained...how the heck I could do what had been asked.

It's hard not to see all your own short comings and weaknesses and trials and family circumstances and not think of the hundreds of reasons sister____ or sister_____ would be a better choice. What about this? And that? ....

I struggled and prayed continually in those day for reassurance and comfort....

 " I will help you " was the answer that kept coming.

Sunday was so special and humbling and emotional...

Dallyn, my baby was ordained a priest.

I was set apart as Relief Society president.

and we remembered my Mom, who said goodbye on a Sunday 12 years before.

I still feel overwhelmed but I am grateful to serve with the amazing Sisters in the Courtenay Ward.