Oh Canada, Thank you.

Alex-Canada Day -2009

It was 28 years ago this summer my mom fulfilled her crazy idea to pack up everything she owned, leave her teaching job of twenty five years, leave California  and take her not quite fourteen year old twin daughters "home" to Canada...

Miracles happened to make this even possible...Dad willing to let us move, a Grandad willing to take us in and friends in government positions who helped us with the right paperwork....

Moms idea was indeed bonkers, but once we survived the Orange County to Lethbridge, Alberta culture shock (stepping back in time a decade or so) and the drastic weather change ( frost bite is actually a thing) and mastered the Canadian drawl, coming to Canada was the best gift my mom, dad and grandad ever gave me...

Leaving the chaos of California behind, our lives slowed down and my Grandad's gift of stability and kindness allowed Kelli and I to have a wonderful time through our high school years. Bless him.

As I sit here celebrating my 20-something Canada day as a Canadian my heart is filled with gratitude for my mom's crazy idea, my adopted country and my five crazy Canucks ....

The Brood-Canada Day- 2013

I love my Canadian home and can't imagine it any other way! 

Happy Canada Day, y'all!

She taught me.

Today I sat in a tiny kitchen visiting with a sweet lady, I haven't known for long, but it feels like we're nearly family...

With each passing sentence,  memories flood my mind. Mostly mom, but dad was there too. How easy a mind goes back to difficult things you've spent years forgetting. 

Aging is certainly not for the weak, bodies and health usually betrays us long before we are ever ready. I never planned on remembering those heart wrenching years with my parents, but there are glimpses all around me...and in an instant my heart remembers the heartache.

But in a moment I reach out to comfort my sweet new friend across a tiny cluttered table. Something years ago I could not muster for my frail mom. Memories that bring pain have also taught a quiet compassion and a tender heart.

I have so often wondered why I have gone through so much...today I felt the spirit whisper, this is why...I needed you to know how to love, your Sisters.

I came home and shed thankful tears and quietly thanked my mom for all she taught me. 

Fitting in.

I've never quite fit in, something I'm totally okay with and kinda proud of most of the time...my family has never fit the mold either, not the one I created with a pretty awesome superhero and definitely not the one I grew up it...

Different is good, right? Different is special, right? Different is exhausting, well sometimes...

What if sometimes, just sometimes you wish you could feel normal, just for a few moments or so...

Normal so you didn't have to ever explain...
Normal so you could blend in...
Normal so you would never be asked what's wrong with you...
Normal so you never knew the pain of stigma...

I sat in a large group and never felt more isolated in my life.

My husband doesn't have a profession anymore an illness out of our control took that away, just as success seemed certain... but as others talk of their husbands jobs and salaries and working too much and climbing ladders, and wanting the next bigger, newer thing... I've got nothing...grateful I can put food on the table.

I listen as others complain about family being too involved, too helpful, parents that are imperfect, having to go to yet another family function... again I've got nothing...wishing I could have just five more minutes with my mom, just five more minutes with my dad....

I listen to others tell me that if their children left the church, the heartache would be the worst thing imaginable and I've got nothing...because I know it's not the heartache they imagine....

I listen as they tell me of some new exercise routine I should try, or hike they've been on, or marathon run, and I've got nothing...accepting that cerebral palsy makes a few things too painful and even dangerous...

I listen as misunderstandings fly about mental illness and treatment choices and that stigma just doesn't exist anymore...and I've got nothing...because keeping quiet is easier than explaining it again, and again and again...grateful that my heart accepts and understands our reality.

Okay so I'm really not talking about them being normal and me being different...what I'm really talking about is judgement and understanding. Different is amazing and awesome when it is accepted through understanding...I don't want to feel normal, I want to feel understood. Something we all want when we don't quite fit in.

  

Boots and Goodbyes

When you first bring them home the fact that they will eventually move out seems like a millennia away...and through the blur of a thousand diaper changes, a hundred school assemblies, ten or more emergency room visits that infant is a full fledge adult ready to enter the world of buying her own toilet paper and paying for her own wi-fi...

It really does all happen in the blink of an eye.

Bailey left for Edmonton this morning, her sisters turning the event into an epic sisters road trip.

I'm not gonna lie, there were less tears than I thought...she's more than ready and heck she survived a mission...we will miss her tons but I knew when she came home, she wouldn't stay for long...

The odd thing to me is that in a household that for decades never had enough bedrooms or laundry baskets or gallons of milk, now has empty beds, a washer that rests occasionally and milk that even sours...

As I cleaned up her room and put away what she didn't take this morning, I was surprised when I found the boots that survived every step on her mission left in the back of her closet....

I hadn't looked closely at them before...soles walked smooth...stones from Newfoundland still stuck in the heals...salt and snow stained leather...heals glued back together more than once...

I hope she never forgets the lessons of all those steps she walked on her mission. 

And can't wait to see the where her steps lead from here....

Leaving home is hard especially on moms and dads.

But we are so proud to have watched them grow and become pretty awesome adults...but goodbyes will always make my heart ache some.

You'll do awesome Bailey! We just know it! ❤️

Oh My Goodness.

I'm blow drying my hair when the same kid who argued seven hours before, stumbles into the bathroom to continue the argument...something about being too sick and now too tired to go to church...

 

I knew Superman hadn't slept so I already knew public wasn't happening for him either...

I wander into Ward Council alone, rather defeated...

As I leave the meeting I'm informed by one offspring that they're the only one who came to church, because the others were sick/sleeping/didn't want to come...

A texting battle ensues with threats of "there will be consequences" as I sit in the pew...I'm breaking my cardinal rule about not fighting about church...but I was MAD and honestly maybe a little embarrassed...I knew at least two of them had blown off assignments they had...

This is so not how I pictured having young adults/teenagers...Those years of taking them to primary should pay off by now, right?!?! 

I want to just cry...

I'm trying to listen to sacrament meeting, but what I'm really trying to do is convince myself that I'm not a failure and a fraud, as I stuff at least seven packets of Rockets (smarties) as discreetly as possible in my mouth...

A second Kramer offspring wonders into sacrament meeting ten minutes before the end...only just slightly improving my "I've totally failed" pew party.

I needed to talk to my dear friend about some RS stuff so we escaped outside to the sunshine for a few minutes... later as we walk back in the building she says..

" you know Robin, even though some of your kids struggle with Church... You've still raised really good kids"

She is so right... I see their goodness all the time. 

When two of them took me aside and said don't worry about helping Bailey move, we'll make sure she has everything she needs. Goodness.

When one takes me out to lunch or shopping and I watch them interact with the people who serve us and their is kindness and respect, as if they are meeting an old friend. Goodness.

When they ask what they can do to help their Dad when he struggles, showing a greater empathy than most their age. Goodness.

Grateful for my friend's simple sincere observation. I was suddenly more grateful for the blessings each one of my kids are...

Their journey in and through gospel is theirs. Something they must discover in their way and in their time. My love for them, just like their Heavenly Fathers is not dependant on that, and is always there regardless of where they may be in that journey.

I am so grateful for the goodness in each of my kids. We are blessed beyond measure. 

90 Days In

Three months ago today... I was sustained as the  Relief Society President. A calling I,  and I'm sure a few others NEVER imagined coming to me, but I don't think anyone ever anticipates such a thing...

These first three months have been humbling and funny, surprising and overwhelming, tearful and prayerful...and honestly some of the hardest for my family personally.

{How grateful I am for a kind bishop's council: Robin, He knew it would get much harder, before it got any easier when He called you, He will help you.}

I have a new understanding of love and worry, of hope and forgiveness and of the incredible and often unique challenges our Heavenly Father asks each of his children to face.

I an learning there is safety and security in the handbook.

 {I keep thinking I should re-write lyrics to the Primary song "Follow the Prophet". "Follow the Handbook", sounds rather catchy, don't you think? :) }

I am learning of the infinite love our Heavenly Father and how important it is for everyone regardless of personal circumstances to feel of that love though us.

I am beyond grateful for the lessons of  my crazy childhood and the struggles of my far from perfect family... There is tremendous value in a "me -too".

I think often of the Relief Society Presidents who walked with me through my greatest challenges...and hope to emulate in some small degree the kindness and wisdom they showed me, as I walk with others.

I am so thankful for the amazing women who serve with me, who lighten my load and share my tears.

I have been helped, again and again as I plead for guidance "please help me hear the words you would hear and see the heart you would know"...
\
I am beyond humbled by the faith and trust others have given me and realize that it is very sacred ground I stand on when another lets me know of their heartache...

I'm still me, the same Robin that swears too much and yells at her kids and does everything imaginable to get out of making dinner and laughs when I shouldn't  and, and , and...but the last 90 days I have felt my heart grow...and growing is a very good thing.

D's Knee

Are you sure you actually hurt it???

Yeah just come get me.

Grant drew the short straw and sat in the ER with the boy for 5 hours....

The moment of impact...

Ouch...

Follow up with the doctor today and it sounds like it's even more damaged (LCL, MCL and possibly the ACL) than we thought...sigh. Time and PT will tell.

Oh Dallyn why do you insist on playing rugby?