Better Broken.

Go easy, this wasn't easy to share.....

Conference weekend, a year ago, I lost it. My front tooth broke and it felt like my world was imploding on its self. All the fear and deep secrets I had held for decades felt completely exposed. I was a failure and a fraud. I started sobbing and couldn't stop. It would be days and days before i could stop. I needed help and could no longer hide from that fact. It was the most scared I have ever been.

I had secretly made this note on my phone a few days before.....

Also on this list was talk to my bishop. 

Grant called our family counselor. That counselor just listened as I sobbed and sobbed. Never once did I feel judgement, just a desire to help and guide. (He is such a blessing to our family.) 

Grant got me to the doctor, I hadn't had an appointment in 15 years. Our new doctor was so kind. I was terrified, but he listened and honored my needed boundaries and gave me a safe place to acknowledge the extreme anxiety I had suffered since childhood. Medication began that day and has become a much needed safety net.

Next came the dentist, I shook and sobbed.  I was the only one not shocked at the x-ray. How are you not dying in pain?? I am.  Major oral surgery and dentures followed two months later. 

Our family doctor also sent me to a physiatrist (MD specializing in rehabilitation) For the first time I was in control and able to honestly discuss how my cerebral palsy truly affected my mobility and daily life. For the first time in my life my disability was validated. Botox and braces brought stability and so much less pain.

My family counselor  helped (and continues to help) me bravely navigate terrifying emotions and experiences that had been tucked away, some for thirty years plus years. These were things I had vowed NEVER to deal with, but my ability to hide was gone and it all flooded out like a tsunami. All my fears and phobias. All the guilt and shame on full display. Terrified relief. 

I was certain I would be released from my calling. How can I do this? I'm completely broken and felt so far from worthy. Between the family counselor and a chance to go to a training meeting with Elder Bednar and an opportunity to shake Elder Bednar's hand. {As I shook his hand I instantly felt my heavenly fathers love for me and his desire to help me heal}. I had the courage to speak with my bishop about the guilt and shame that I had carried for decades. That meeting is the most sacred experiences. Forgiveness is real. I am forever grateful for a compassionate bishop.

The last year has been one of tremendous growth and I have continued to serve in my calling with amazing support. When I wrote that list I never imagined accomplishing any one of those things. But one led to another and then another... I am a different person, stronger... I will always need medication and professional help but I feel a freedom I never imagine would be mine. There will always be work ahead but I understand my value and how much my heavenly father loves me in a more profound way. Each terrifying step was so worth it. 

Now I am a better broken.

You are never too broken to find peace. He will help, I promise. Grateful for all  the angel friends who continue to walk beside me in this journey.

Her Tragic Death, Our Temple Triumph

She wanted to die. Her troubled mind had convinced her there was no other option. It wasn't death she was seeking, but relief from the torments of mental and physical illness. We saved her from herself countless times. Racing to the emergency room hoping there was still time. Why mom, WHY. Over and over and over.

She would end up in care entirely against her will. there was no other choice. Anger and rage eventually overtook any recognizable pieces my mom had left. We no longer knew her. We were just collateral damage to an illness that would not relent. A mother would never treat her daughters like that.  Our slow goodbye happened years before her death.

 A phone call before dawn on a Sunday morning told me she was gone. Her death brought no relief. Just more unanswered questions.... She had fallen, they didn't find her until it was too late. She was 62. Her devastated daughters not quite thirty.

Grief hit like a tsunami. Nothing brought comfort. My knowledge of eternal life and families dug like a knife in my heart. I was so traumatized by what we had been through, the thought of spending eternity with her was terrifying. All the platitudes that people say to grieving children brought deeper resentment and anger. "She's in a better place", lucky her. We were going through hell. You are not supposed to be angry at dead people, especially not your mother. I felt like a fake and a failure. I suffered for years. Struggling to trust anyone with the darkest corners of my sacred heartache.

My heart was shattered. I never imagined healing was possible. Those blessings were for other people who didn't hate their mother.

For years I had no real desire to let go of the hurt or heartache. It some how felt safer than the alternative. More than a dozen years passed and I was so tired, the hurt so heavy. I had to set it down. A kind counselor, a good bishop and many dear friends gave me a safe place to start unpacking my bags. Slowly resentment was replaced by acceptance. After a few more years I only carried a small suitcase, the last bitter remnants of the hell we had been through. It wasn't really that heavy. Maybe someday with enough courage I could unpack it too.

I need to be sealed to my parents. I had refused the thought for years. Why would I spend eternity in chaos. But over the last year the thought kept coming. I knew it was part of my healing but how could I find the courage to face something I once thought impossible...


Our dear friends were called to serve in the Vancouver temple. We were present when they gave talks in their home ward before they left. One of them shared the following quote....

God, in His infinite capacity, seals and heals individuals and families despite tragedy, loss, and hardship.

Those words flooded my heart with peace. I had known I needed to be sealed to my parents for years, I now had the courage....

So many obstacles still stood in front of me... But a kind, inspired bishop made it possible to clear those hurdles. I entered the Vancouver Temple last Friday to be sealed to my parents. My sweetheart by my side. My bishop and his dear wife, steps behind me.

 It seemed surreal to be sanding at the top of the mountain. The temple was so quiet and peaceful. Our dear friend sealed me to my mom and dad. Gratitude flooded my heart for my mom and dad and all that they have taught me and continue to teach me.  I left that that little suitcase in that sealing room. There was no longer a need to unpack it, it was no longer mine.

Peace was possible it just needed 15 years to find a home in my heart.

That Sunday morning phone call was fifteen years ago today. I miss her and can't wait to get to know her again someday.

Healing continues to always be possible.

Magic Legs

It was a hard decision. Getting AFO's (ankle foot orthoses) after more than thirty years of make every effort possible to ignore the fact that I have cerebral palsy. I don't actually remember a step in my life without pain, but I had an amazing ability to mostly ignore it. So it worked. Until I hit forty.

The last four or five years, the pain progressed to nearly excruciating, each step brought agony and finally the (medicated) courage  to seek help.

I figured they'd give me some grandma shoes and some Advil. Turns out there was much more need, my feet and ankles were messed up. Thanks Cerebral Palsy. Bilateral foot drop, a torn tendon and a degenerative tendon issue to start.... You are such a FALL risk. I heard repeatedly. Safety sold me, AFOs would provide balance and stability and probably save me from serious injury from falling......

Wearing them the first few days I felt like the Tin-man and Forrest Gump's love-child. So awkward, so obvious, and the stupid stairs (and stares) and the hard questions. (What's wrong with you???)  I wondered if I'd made a mistake. Give it a few days....


Within that first week I realized something. It no longer hurt to walk. No pain. Each step solid. I haven't tripped once wearing them. Grateful triumph.

I'm still figuring out stairs and have to use the handrail. People's questions are sometimes too personal and I still can't find pants that will fit over top of them. But I. Don't. Care! I love my new legs and the gift of freedom they have given me. My magic legs and I have become fast friends.


Even a few months ago these answers seemed like an impossible leap of faith. Trusting them brought the ability to leap again. (okay more like hop, but I'll so take it) The lesson here is not lost on me.

And I think this may be my new favorite scripture:

Isiah 40:31  But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

 

Braced.

I walked into the Queen Alexandria Spasticity and Orthotics Clinic, in Victoria yesterday. The sights and sounds, made memories flood back. Its been at least thirty years since I've walked through the doors of such a place. Walking the same checkered Linoleum hallway again and again as professionals with clipboards watched me walk. The only difference from my years at the Rehabilitation Institute of Orange County  and CHOC in California and yesterday is they asked me the questions.

Do you fall a lot?

Is climbing stairs painful?

Do you fatigue quickly?

YES.

Then came the options for support:

I was expecting something cute, maybe with flamingos, what they brought out was this....

Its called the Blue Rocker. "Do the shoes come in VELCRO?!?!" I ask, not sure if they caught the inflection.

I've never been a vain person but suddenly I felt like a Kardashiam in a thrift shop.

Seriously. How am I supposed to keep my disability with those on the down low?  Those are going to look absolutely sexy next summer in my booty shorts. 

I wanted to cry. 30 years and here we meet again. One can run from nothing in life. Or in my case walk swiftly praying my face doesn't hit the pavement. The Dr and Orthotist left the room and my tears flowed..."braces: you're just looking for attention, Robin" the thoughts in my head racing...All those years of hiding this as a kid and I paid a high price emotionally and physically. 

Finding validation is cathartic. Have prayers answered helps my faith even when the answers make me look like Inspector Gadget and the Iron Giant had a baby.  Accepting a visible reality of being disabled will take time.  

It will take a month or two to get everything made and sorted, so I'll have time to have a proper funeral and send off for my beloved VANS collection. 

Shaking Hands

I fell apart Easter weekend, a story for another day. But that emotional mutiny forced me to seek help and support and acknowledge a wounded heart that still needs a lot of healing...

It was in the middle of that emotional mutiny  that I got the last minute call and invitation to attend a Leadership Conference in Vancouver with Elder David A Bednar. (A member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles). With all the changes announced in General Conference, Relief Society presidents in our area were asked to attend...

I should have been thrilled with the invite, but instead felt this instant lack of worthiness to be there, its amazing where your thoughts go when you are struggling. And I wondered how I could manage to make the logistics work. But a dear friend stepped in and made sure I had no way of backing out of attending.

That friend also took me to the temple, something I desperately needed, but didn't realize how much until I felt the peace that can only be felt in the temple.

Saturday morning we entered the Langley chapel, were given name tags and assigned to sit in our Stakes. Nanaimo Stake got right at the front (Go Nanaimo) . They had asked us to be in our seats by 9:30, a half in hour before the meeting was to begin...We were surprised when Elder Bednar walked in early with the other visiting General Authorities.

Our area seventy Elder Murray came to the pulpit and announced that Elder Bednar and the other visitors would like to shake the hands of everyone in attendance (200+). Say what??? Being in the front we had just moments to understand what Elder Murray had just said. I hope I will always remember the love I felt as Elder Bednar  looked me in the eye, shook my hand and thanked me for serving...Tears flowed as I filed back to my seat. The spirit tenderly comforted me as I sat in the pew waiting for each one to file past . Such a sweet experience at the end of a most difficult week.

We all spent the next four hours with Elder Bednar, Elder Kearon, Elder Dube and Elder Murray in a Question and Answer session...It was truly an amazing experience. And taught me that even in the midst of turmoil, with our Heavenly Father's help we can continue to serve and help those around us... 

"Imagine how it would be if you didn't have to worry about someone taking it the wrong way"

"There is no rule against common sense"

"Unity is the prerequisite to receive revelation"

Much needed solace for the soul. 

 

Reaching Adulthood

Man-child turns EIGHTEEN today. According to the Canadian government that means adulthood. (I'm guessing they haven't spent much time with any 18 year olds, lately). Every Kramer is now an adult. . I'm sitting here swinging  somewhere between stoic sadness and relieved wonder. Until yesterday this moment seemed like an eon away.....

I had barely reached adulthood myself when motherhood came, and by 25, I was the mother of five. Crazy really. I have never felt like a natural at this gig. and still feel like I'm in the middle of a test I haven't studied for....But somehow we managed figured it out together. I worried way too much about the wrong things when they were littler. Matching church outfits didn't matter. The repeatedly spilt apple juice and Lucky Charms all over the kitchen floor, didn't matter. Feeling like I had to maintain the unattainable perfect mother persona , absolutely pointless.

Somewhere between the diapers and the grad ceremonies, I became much more comfortable in the constant chaos and commotion and embraced my mothering awkwardness. I traded in the perfection trophy for a This Is Me t-shirt. They actually never noticed. 

Just love them it's that simple. Yes they will break your heart (many times actually) But that love will always be the bridge across the break. Adulthood is awesome., they are amazing. A milestone reached but nothing really has changed. I love them dearly and I'm their mother. Now will someone besides me please go clean the laundry room?!?1

Compassion's Price

I struggle to feel understood sometimes, like I think most of us do. As I share my life experiences there is always a risk of sorts.  If someone knows the true nature of my  journey through tragedy, abuse and heartache will that bring hated pity or the "me too" of empathy ???

I have the privilege of serving with the women in our church, a calling that puts me at the crossroads of many families during their greatest joys and deepest heartaches. It has forced me into the stratosphere beyond my comfort zone and face fears and acknowledge damage and scars long ago hidden away.

I have sat in sacred places and shared experiences once thought too painful. Each time humbled at our heavenly fathers ability to give beauty for ashes.

Someone recently shared this with me.

As I have come to know you Robin, I have come to understand that you have paid a very dear and heavy price to have the level of compassion and empathy you have. People see your compassion, but they have no idea the price you have paid for it.

I don't think even I had thought about it that way before, but it is true. Compassion comes with a price and most of us have had to pay dearly for it.

Grateful for a moment of understanding and clarity and empathy.