Somedays with Superman

Our bishop checking on our family:

"How's Grant handling things with all this Covid stuff?"

 Me: Staying home and not having to interact with people, it's ALL his dreams come true.

We both laughed.


In all seriousness, Grant has been so unwell. His struggle with mental illness have reach depths we never imagined it would. My heart breaks for him as we both come to terms with this ever changing beast.

I could go into all the medical terms for what is going on. What the DSM-V says. How our psychiatrist came to each diagnosis. The brutal choices we have had to make with treatment and medications. The stigma and mistrust of our choices from outside our arena. The isolation. But your understanding of all that doesn't change our reality for a single second. So it's not needed.

Some days my Superman is funny, engaged, and busy. Some days getting out of bed takes hours and he doesn't remember to eat unless I put a plate in front of him and self care is impossible.

Some days he laughs hysterically at some dumb B movie and is showing me funny memes he's saved on his phone. Some days he struggles to respond to a question and carry on any conversation. Flipping through video after video, for endless hours trying to find focus for a troubled racing mind.

Some days he is sweet and kind and tender and some days the frustration and anger rage and nothing I do can reach him.



We no longer talk about healing. Its something we have accepted isn't coming. Not because we have lost faith or hope. We haven't. It's because we have decided to hope for other things. Hope that on the some days that are really terrible we will just be able to cope and not become bitter. Hope that on that one or two or ten really good days we will just be grateful and enjoy it while its here.

I don't know why trials come. And I don't believe platitudes ever help. "God only gives the hardest trials to his toughest soldiers" Um? BARF?? I will seriously punch (from a distance) the next person who says this or anything like unto it.

Some days I am full of courage and faith and some days I'm pretty angry at Good.

Some days I am quick to count my blessings and some days I grieve deeply the things we have lost to an illness we didn't ask for.

Some days I can let the ignorance of others roll off my back and laugh at the stupidity  and some days it hurts my heart deeply and I shed many tears.

 Some days hoping for different blessing is my only way to find comfort

We are all at a time we never imagined in our lives. (Unless you're Prepper or watch some crazy stuff on Netflix :) )

Lets give others something else to hope for because some days we really need each other.

Fighting Forgiveness

I thought God had abandoned me. Suddenly I was invisible to those around me. Anything anyone did say felt like judgement and scorn.  Life felt like it couldn't get worse. My emotions raged like fire.

I was so hurt, so angry. so afraid.

Loving God, yeah right. I was losing everything. My husband and marriage to a cruel illness that no one understands. My testimony was failing in a gospel I knew was true, but in that moment felt like cruel irony. Keep the commandments and life is good, yeah okay.  My own mental health suffered and I questioned how much more I could take.

Weeks, turned into months and I was barely hanging on. No one gets how hurt I am or the trauma and fear I was fighting, no one gets how hard this is. Advice felt like judgement. All my avenues of relief felt closed. I prayed every night but wondered if I would every be heard or feel his love again. Life was chaos. Peace was gone. I was suffering in a way I had never experienced before.

I was going through the motions, barely. The only prayer I could still pray was: Please send me peace, clarity and healing...but that was out of duty, not desire.

At my lowest point, I went to a funeral. Friends had lost a dear family member,suddenly.

{ I promised God after my mom's funeral, where almost no one attended. I would always mourn with those who mourn and go to funerals. Something I still find sacred.}

I sat and listened as wonderful things were shared about this dearly loved family member. Over and over they talked about her Christlike nature, it was evident in every aspect of her life....

I need to be way more Christlike, I thought. Wait, I thought I was....But Christ FORGAVE. He forgave those who had hurt him most.

Oh....

As I sat there an degree of understanding came about being truly Christlike. I had spent months trying to get others to understand what I was going through. But that wasn't possible because the only one who could understand, already did.

Robin you need to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Instantly a name came into my mind, I knew what I needed to do. I was afraid I'd chicken out so I was determined to reach out as soon as I got home.

I sent an email. Apologizing. Soon after I received a kind and understanding response. A burden I had carried for months lifted instantly.

The next day in sacrament meeting a speaker shared their conversion story and I felt new compassion and understanding for this person and my burden became even lighter.

That afternoon I was set apart in a new calling. In that blessing a I was promised "Peace, clarity and healing" as I served. It was something I had told no one. God had heard me. I needed to be willing to listen.

I'm still building back my spiritual strength as I keep working on forgiveness. But I have had a strong feeling that I'm going to be ok. That Grant and I are going to be ok.

Our struggles with illness will not be taken away. But I don't need to keep fighting forgiveness.

God Heals.... Eventually

God heals all wounds. I believe this, truly I do.  But during the healing process even with that belief, that statement can burn and bite and dig. Especially when someone says it who has no idea of the length and depth of your suffering....

This may seem a bit jumbled and awkward but that's my life lately. So stay with me...

Kelli and I finally talked 10 days after Christmas, each apologizing excessively for being a terrible sister and not calling sooner...neither of us the least bit offended. Holidays are hard, and we just get it.

Kelli said: I just try my best not to think about our parents at Christmas. It's just easier that way.

I instantly understood. Certain things are not forgotten,

My mind flooded with memories.

I was in my Christmas pajamas, but it was after Christmas. I came down the hallway with its yellow shag carpet on the way to my bedroom, the last door on the left. Mom came out of the bathroom across the hall, wearing her purple mu mu with giant white flowers on it ... my eight year old self went to give her a hug before bed. My feet caught on the shag carpet and I fell into her as I tried to wrap my arms around her. In an instant I was flying backwards down the hallway. Landing hard a several feet away. I had no idea what happened.

Don't you ever put your face in my {chest} again!!! Are you a pervert?! {At eight, I had know idea what she meant}
Mom was very ill, well mom's don't shove their kids down the hallway. But the trauma was still trauma

Kelli never flew down a hallway, but her experiences were just as painful and traumatic as mine. Together we survived the impossible.

 Not once has Kelli not honored my truth and I, her truth. Yes we experienced the same events differently and were traumatized differently by them. She has never told me well that didn't happen that way... she listens, we listen.

We have always just given each other space and safety to share our stories. We just understand. I think its just one of our compensating blessings.


The last few years have brought new trauma for me and it has NOTHING to do with Grant or his illness.

Deeply personal events that have that brought anguish and suffering. Events I wondered if I would survive. Events where I walked away physically and emotionally harmed....

I know what crossed boundaries are and abuse is. Dress it up with whatever vocabulary you want,  irregardless its a behavior that is never ok.

I'm in a place where I've asked so many whys these last few years. Whys only God can answer. I've been through so much in life, why do I still  feel so wounded and unheard ??

--------------------------------------------------

I do know that god can and will heal all wounds, EVENTUALLY.  Here or in heaven we are healed. Wounds need to be addressed and dressed to heal. We can't just say well don't be offended. Wounds need the Physician, not our opinions Those in the process of healing are the ones holding the the time card. Healing takes time, there is no express lane. When we say  "god heals all wounds" and things like unto it to others we see struggling. We deeply harm them.


Still healing.
Always healing.

.

My Tithe

I feel the need to share something. Not in an effort to take a side or to judge anyone who feels or has experienced differently,  but simply share my experience...

Tithing.

My first memory of the principle of tithing was as a 9 year old. I'm guessing it was tithing settlement and mom brought us with her into the bishops office. My feet didn't touch the floor as we sat in orange upholstered chairs. We lived in a very affluent area in southern California and my Dad had left just weeks before. I remember the bishop asking in a kind way, if my mom paid tithing and mom saying no, I can't. I have to support my girls. The bishop told her if she paid her tithing and was short that the church would help her...

This enraged my mom: I am not a beggar! And I will not be treated like a poor person!! My mom yelled at our bishop. Stood up, grabbed our hands and  stormed out of that office. That was my first and last experience with tithing as a child. It remained a painful topic for my mom....

When Grant and I married, neither of us had ever had first hand experience paying tithing. It was nothing more than a math equation to us. We struggled to pay it, for years and years. We'd pay for a while, months at a time even, but something always came up and we'd stop. It went on like that for ten years...during that time the church helped us at times and our bishops encouraged us to keep trying to pay our tithing. Trying and trying and trying....

Our ward in Raymond was very kind to us. Those 5 years were traumatic for us. We had Alex (4 under 4),  Grant broke his back in a work accident, We had Dallyn (5 under 6), Grant became addicted to pain killers, Mental health episodes led to hospitalizations and scary diagnosis's. Raymond was where we learned about the church welfare program first hand. Our bishop made sure we did not go without. I remember one night while Grant was in the hospital our bishop showing up on our doorstep and asked for every bill we had... I can't make Grant better, but I can help you here. 

{side story: One time my mom found out  (she saw the groceries in our van) we had gone to the Bishop's store house (think large scale food bank)  in Lethbridge to feed our family after Grant had broken his back in a work accident. My mom lost it at me. Accused me of shaming our family name and embarrassing her because she knew people who worked there....Mom never fully understood tithing or the church welfare program}

In 2003 we moved back to the Island, a fresh start for us in every conceivable way. The only goal we made as a couple when we moved was to pay our tithing. I'm not sure why we both felt so strongly about it at the time but we did pay our tithing. Okay it still took a few years to be full tithing payers but we got there...

A few months after we moved back to the Island my Mom was dying. My sister and I rushed to her bed side in Lethbridge. This wasn't the first rush but unknowingly was our last. Mom wanted to meet with her bishop, which surprised us some. Among a few requests she wanted to pay tithing on her pension check for that month. I still remember her shaky handwriting on that check and her handing it to her bishop....Mom died just a few days after we had gone home. Tithing was a painful thing for her, but I will always admire the courage of that last tithing check.

Over the last 15 years our understanding of tithing and church welfare has grown from a math equation to a principle of faith that we continue to be so blessed by.

As a RS president I had the sacred privilege to administer the welfare program with our bishop. Some of my most sacred experiences ever,  came when I was invited into  homes to talk about needs and then be able to meet those needs. It was never a principle of money but of love, our Savior's love.

I make no judgement on any one who feels differently. The ability to choose and feel for ourselves is such a gift.

 I'm grateful for tithing.

 

Healing Some.

{Ucluelet 2016}

I sat in a pew on Sunday and for the first time in months I didn't want to run for my life...
Stay with me here.

Up until August I gave everything I had as I served in a calling I never thought once I was capable of doing, but I gave my all. I loved my sisters deeply, prayed for them continually and wanted nothing more than for them to understand just how much their heavenly father loved them. While I served some very traumatic things happened and I paid a high price both emotionally and mentally from those events.


Up until April we had spent the last eight years fighting Grant's illness. We had managed to keep him from being suicidal. In April, that changed overnight. Beginning the worst six months we have ever experienced with his illness. Home life was a firestorm of unpredictability and chaos.

The Sunday I was released felt like I was hit with a tsunami of emotions. Relief, frustration, fear, wondering, grief, gratitude..... no one knew or understood what I had been through. Why did I have to experience such difficult things in the middle of some of my most sacred experiences?

Home was no sanctuary either. Grant's illness robbed him of his ability to show empathy or understanding. The more grief and upset  I showed the more unstable his illness became.

God where are you? Nothing.... Chaos collided.

I had never felt so alone and unloved in my life.

I was trying to keep Grant alive and out of psychosis.

Church felt like torture. Going alone a reminder of all the blessings that seemed to be slipping away.
I felt ignored entirely or deeply wounded by senseless platitudes and assumptions. Many Sundays I sobbed in the pew.

What's the point, all my years of trying seemed absolutely pointless. I was ready to run.

A friend has dragged me to Sacrament meeting for months. Most Sundays I just felt like a wounded animal slowly dying unnoticed. There out of duty and my slight fear of my mother haunting me.

I went through the motions...

Sunday something happened...I had begged my Heavenly Father for relief the night before. But instead of asking for him to help others understand us and stop hurting us...I asked him to help me heal and find peace.

As I sat in the pew on Sunday and listened to the introduction of  my favourite Christmas hymn being played. The thought came:

 " No one here knows what you've been through or are going through, but I do, Robin."

For the first time in months I felt the burden of grief lighten and my Heavenly Fathers love.

My heart is healing some. There is still much of the journey ahead. I'm just grateful I didn't run.








 

Gate keeper.

We sat in the psychiatrist office this week. Doing so takes a lot of courage for both of us. We come away feeling exhausted, but heard. It's a place where the gravity and complexity of Grant's mental illness is acknowledged and fully validated.

 Things are improving, sort of. An additional med has provided some tentative relief these last six weeks. . We are holding our breathe, this med has failed before, in 2013 and 2016 but we are hoping that in combination, it may hold him. For how long? It's completely unknown. 

Sitting back and realizing what we have endured the last six months brings bewildered, heart broken tears.

When you think you are going to lose your spouse to his illness... When you watch that spouse's illness destroy him into someone you hardly recognize... When you see this illness torturing him day after day and you are powerless to stop his suffering...you will do anything to save him.

Stress (even minor), being in public, well intentioned but ignorant people,  unsolicited advice, unexpected visitors, paperwork, nonsocial phone calls, criticism, perceived judgement of any kind, too many things to do in a day, unmet expectations...on and on.  These are things that have triggered him, sometimes leading to life threatening events.

I am now the gate keeper and not really by choice. But I will do anything to keep him safe and here. Our home is our sanctuary. Grant's safest place. A place where he can take his mask off and it's ok to be ill.


We have had some difficult things happen, where our boundaries have been bulldozed. Mostly unintentional. Simply not understanding, I guess.

What you don't see is the aftermath. The recovery time. The prayer that he won't slide.

When peaceful days are such a prized procession, you will do anything to keep them.

We've lost many friends, been the subjects of the latest gossip, when people don't understand they judge us.  Say we are too easily offend and we just need to let it go and that nobody can understand mental illness, so its unfair to expect them too. We've heard it all.

You don't need to understand us. You only need to understand our need for compassion is the same as others.

Grant didn't ask for his illness. I never asked to be his gate keeper. We are both exhausted, our hearts ache, but we promised to walk this road together and that we will do.

Today I'm Grateful.

We could have never known just how uncertain our future would ever be or how hard it would get.

China Creek 2004

The last six months...I've come to the conclusion there are not words in the English language to tell the story and many don't have the context to understand our the depth of such suffering. Grant's stability was gone. Almost overnight we were in the middle of the worst storm we had ever experienced.

This can't get worse. But it did. Again and again. The light, gone. Hope, fleeting. The illness just raged.

Grant insisted he fulfill his high council speaking assignment in October. I fully doubted he could do it, and tried everything to get him to cancel. The entire drive to Nanaimo, I felt sick, completely aware of just how unwell he was. Seriously Heavenly Father?? Why?

I watched as he struggled to get out of the seat next to me. The next twenty minutes could not move fast enough for me...

Grant grabbed each side of the pulpit, each hand hanging on for dear life.

"I'm grateful to be here today, actually grateful to be anywhere today...."

I hang my head trying to hide my tears. Knowing if I made eye contact with any of the few who knew in the congregation just how poignant Grant's statement. I would start sobbing....The spirit flooded my heart as Grant spoke with strength and clarity. How is this even possible, with as sick as he is?? His spirit isn't mentally ill. I know this. Still the miracle of the moment humbled me.

His talk ended. As we left the stand I could see in his face he had just given all he had to give that talk. The illness had only taken a twenty minute siesta...

Three more days, I just have to get him to his psychiatrist's appointment on Wednesday.

72 hours of tormented hell, the culmination of the last six months...

I thought I was losing him. Rational thought had left the building. The rage so intense, I could not imagine anything worse...

Tuesday night he begged not to go to his appointment.

I prayed that entire night. Not for a miracle, not for healing.

For courage and that the psychiatrist would be inspired. Inspired just to know what to do next....

We walked in that office more exhausted and weary than we had ever been. Please hear us, I thought.

As the brutal honesty of the last months flooded from my mouth, I fought back fear, panic, heartbreak. Even Grant found the courage to admit just how bad it was.

The doctor was so kind. He acknowledged the intensity of the storm we were walking through. Patient and caregiver. He showed compassion, not pity. Honored my dignity and Grant's.  By the end of the hour he had a plan. No promises but a plan. I have never felt the spirit in a medical appoint like right then. I knew Heavenly Father had answered my pleading from the night and months before. The doctor did know what to do next.

. We left just as exhausted, but hope wasn't so fleeting. 

The storm has slowly slowly slowly calmed. How long will this reprieve, hold? Its unknown. How lives are forever changed, but I have always promised my heavenly father that no matter what comes, I will always be grateful for each good hour or day.

Today I am grateful.