My {fill-in-the-blank} Life.

Somebody asked if I was depressed this week ....(they asked only out of kindness) Nope just rather worn out....

{In the last three months we have had our testimonies shaken to the core, dealt with persistent mental illness, happily helped our dear friends in crisis, lived in a house that was for sale, notified that my Dad was in dire circumstances, told my Dad probably wouldn't make the night, packed up our house, moved, unpacked, had the car break down, flown to Utah, watched my Dad die, planned a funeral, said enough goodbyes for a lifetime...not to mention life with five crazy-busy teenagers}

Not depreesed, just tired.

Kay, not going to lie....I am sucking this week, especially in the motherhood department. I'm impatient and cranky and tired. Yesterday was especially hard and my rug rats got the emotional brunt of it...

My sister received our Dad's death certificates in the mail, allowing us to begin to take care of his final affairs. Kelli started with  cancelling Dad's phone number. My parents have had that number since 1966...46 years...I was surprised at wave of sadness that hit me. That was the first phone number I ever learned....I guess losing another parent means many goodbyes.

Then as Kelli read the details of the death certificate much more grief filled reality.....cause of death dehydration....malnutrition....atrophic brain disease. Nothing we didn't already know, but seeing it on paper, an undeniable reality. The time frame for each disease listed....Dad's atrophic brain disease on set + or - 20 years....

Even with my knowledge that there is a life after this and eternal families....Suffering seems so unfair...the fact that our Dad suffered and we could not help him, will take time and prospective to work through....

Luckily I have amazing kids who seem quick to forgive me for being an impatient and cranky matriarch...and seem to remain healthy and happy in spite of eating frozen pizza twice, maybe four times a week....

I just wish grief had a fast forward button.....and our lives had a slow play feature.