Santa's Sticky Fingers

We kept with tradition this year, drew names, Santa filled stockings and Superman and I provided the always expected the Christmas Eve pyjamas ....

So I thought it a little odd that Madison the Middle was up super late wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve...Awww isn't she thoughtful, I thought as I climbed into bed long before her...

Christmas morning we woke up to a basket full of oddly shaped wrapped gifts eclipsing the tree...

"I have to go first Maddie proclaimed!" As she proceeds to hand each person their labeled prize. With a Grinch type grin she says ... Now open them....

With slight bewilderment ....

"Hey I wondered were that went?!?!"

"So it was you?!?"

"Very funny Maddie ,"

Our sticky-fingered Santa had wrapped up my slippers, a unopened DVD superman had been looking for for days, Alex's favourite hoodie and so on....

Maddie thought she was hilarious ....who's kid is she anyways....

Crying on Christmas

Its. Almost. Christmas. Mom! Aren't you excited? My vibrating man child says as he bounces from couch to couch in the living room. SURE?!? I muster as I silently wish (maybe not) he'd choke on his candy cane, I swear I had told him 25 minutes earlier he couldn't have.

Why can't we just skip this Christmas, I'm really not feeling it this year.....

A few days before we sit in a doctors office, trying to decide the next course of treatment for an illness, despite all our efforts refuses to stay in check...No quick fixes and side affects limiting many other options, one option given down right scary...I leave in tears feeling down right defeated. What are we supposed to do?

Why??? Is Christmas time always so hard? We are supposed to be happy, grateful, joyful...

The grief of being an "orphan" only compounds my heartache. I am grateful my parents are at peace, but I can't explain how much I miss them, how much I would give for one more phone call, one more Merry Christmas....One more time hearing my Dad play Silent Night on his guitar or my mom accompany the Alleluia chorus on the organ....

The music of the season brings both comfort and heartache....

From December first I'm on auto-pilot going through the motions, doing what we do. I refuse to let myself feel anything for fear I'll simply lose it. The shopping gets done, the cookies are made and all the family traditions happen and I feel nothing...I see happy ,"perfect", your-parents-are still- alive families all around me and it just makes me angry. Why didn't I have that? I'm not even doing so well with coping with the husband and teenagers I do have.

Despite all my wishing and praying Christmas morning still comes (dang-it). My kids are bouncing off the walls with excitement...And I feel nothing. Christmas and grief and an audience, feeling nothing is easier...

That afternoon Superman heads to work and everybody else is down for a long winter's nap. The house is still and dark, except for the lights of the Christmas tree...I sit by the tree... tears run down my cheeks before I even realise I'm crying...The heartaches of this difficult year flood my mind....for the first time all month I let myself feel the sadness, the grief  and the tears flow freely....

 I was reminded of a newspaper article, my cousin had shared the week prior....Called the Healing Powers of the Dalai Lama

A man from Utah shares his experience in meeting His Holiness...


Looking intently at the couple that had joined us that morning, and with no visible cue from anyone he said, "You are sad."

Our new friends broke down. Through gentle sobs, they explained their young son had recently committed suicide. A pause hung in the air. The Dalai Lama simply waited. And waited.

As we muffled sobs, His Holiness slid across the couch and reached for the couple’s faces. Grasping their cheeks, he pulled their faces next to his. He held them for perhaps a minute, an eternity for such an intimacy. And then he said — softly, simply — "sad." He offered no other words, no assurance of heaven, as we Westerners have come to expect when dissecting death. He explained nothing. There was no utterance of "time heals," no nicety that "God needed him elsewhere." Nothing.

 

There is goodness in letting the pain flow and of not explaining away another’s grief. In allowing for "sad."

 

 

It was good to cry and not talk myself  out of it. Sad, even on Christmas is okay. After I sat there for a very long time, the tears stopped and the thought came. "It wont always be this hard. Don't give up just yet. There is joy ahead, I promise"....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hillbilly Sledding

 

Its snowed quite a bit this week, unusual for here...And my rug rats and Superman took full advantage of it...

 

Proof that Mom's and Dad's parent differently.

 

 

 

My idea of safety....

 

 

 

A superman with teenagers idea of safety when left unsupervised....

 

I'm taking the kids sledding...

 

Hilly billy sledding...minus the quad (ATV) and the common sense...I guess us Islanders lose our minds when we see a little snow.... (a deserted parking lot) (A tradition started in Raymond :)

No one got hurt and they had a blast! And I wonder why Grant is the favourite parent.

Thanks A Lot Santa!!!!

So Bailey was saved from the dreaded Santa shoot, by getting called into work at the last minute...The rest were forced to endure the torture :)....

We had asked the kids to put on a nice sweater...As we were walking into the mall, we noticed Dallyn was in just a t-shirt..."Dallyn, were is your sweater???" asked Superman "I don't need one, it's not cold" Man child responds. (there is 6 " of snow on the ground and the wind was blowing)

 

It's not about the cold, its about looking good for the picture?!? comes the reprimand.

 

To which our genius responds...

 

Well, that's ok, I even look good NAKED!!!!

(I'm a little worried about that boy :/)

 

to which Superman says...

 

Well let's not freak out Santa, shall we! 

 At least Dallyn kept his clothes on !?! :)

We always run into the "wow, you have so many kids! thing" (kay we don't have THAT many kids...Duggers yes, us NO) So this is the best shot we could get with 4 ginormous teenagers. And Honestly I didn't really care about the photo...

I wanted the kids to thank a mall Santa, thus tying it into our acts of kindness.(the kids thought I was crazy, "It's awkward!!!") Even better :)  So ....The kids bought a box of Chocolates and a card and each wrote messages ....And handed this to Santa before the picture...

 

Santa said it made his day , and that nobody had ever done that before...he even sent the photographer down the mall to find us, and asked for our return address...

 

The kids were so surprised that such a small gesture got the response it did...

 

A little bit of kindness goes along way!

Dallyn loves Santa 2001

Favourite Santa picture of all times!!!!

Mental Illness- Our Story

My heart broke, along with the world,  as I watched news coverage of the Connecticut school shooting, Friday...It was the first time the news had brought me to tears since 9-11. I can't even pretend to understand the gravity of that kind of heart ache and loss. It makes no sense and it never will. My heart simply aches for all those affected by this.

It was only an hour or so into the coverage that I heard what I knew was coming...the news media attributing these horrific actions  to mental illness, my heart sank even more...

While I have deep and profound convictions about gun control and public safety and the issues surrounding this specific event, I choose not to discuss them here. Nor do I intend to compare our experiences in any way with this overwhelming tragedy.

But with all the talk of mental illness, I feel compelled to share something deeply personal to us. Many know, Mental Illness has profoundly affected our lives and family. But most do not know the journey to diagnosis or the battle for care...

My mom and my superman were diagnosed within a few years of each other with the same illness (albeit: type one and type two) Two lives affected by the same illness in profoundly different ways ...Diagnosis brought relief, fear and an overwhelming heartbreak for a still young daughter and wife....Its still something more than a decade after diagnosis I am trying to wrap my brain around.

Diagnosis.

From her late teens, Mom's life had been racked with unexplained episodes of odd behaviour, debilitating lows and "I can conquer the world highs...It wasn't until our late teens Kelli and I knew something just wasn't right with her. But what???  Nobody put the pieces together until after Kelli and I had left home...

My sweetheart and Superman had dealt with debilitating (undiagnosed) depression through out his teen years, but it wasn't until he broke his back at work, a decade later that the wheels came off. A combination of pain killer addiction and antidepressants brought out his first understood manic episode and months later, a correct, but unwanted diagnosis.

Navigating the mental health world is overwhelming and daunting at best, even in a country with universal health care...

The crisis almost always comes before the care.

Seeking Help

I know what its like trying to convince a delusional loved one that what they are seeing, hearing and feeling are not reality.

I know what its like to lock down meds and anything else that could be harmful.

I know what its like to call the crisis hot line for help and be told calling the police is the only option, and then having to call them.

I know what it's like to find loved-ones after a suicide attempts and think "I hope this is bad enough for admission this time"

I know what its like to beg a doctor "Please just don't send them home"

I know what its like to sign papers and commit a loved one to a psych facility against their wishes.

I know what its like when a loved one passes a competency test over and over again, and our hand are tied to do anything else.

I know what its like to go thru 7 psychiatrist before we found one that we could work with.

Treatment.

I know what its like to be told by family members "you know if you could just be a little more patient and listen more...they wouldn't be like that"

I know what its like to have a well meaning albeit completely uneducated Church leader tell me meds weren't really necessary.

I know what its like to have an employer show up at our door, during a hospitalisation and tell me "I won't have people like that working for me"

I know what its like to be the "talk of Church" or the "Talk of town" or the subject of meetings.

I know what it's like to have my grade schooler come home in tears and then have to explain that their loving father is NOT "a basket case" even though someone called him that at school.

I know what it's like to hear "but I thought he was better?"

I know what its like to feel hopeless, overwhelmed, misunderstood, abandoned...BUT

Our New Reality.

Here's what we have learned.....

There is hope.

We can never give up on seeking HELP. Real HELP. If someone doesn't understand or isn't helpful move on. But keep seeking.

We have had to come to accept that we deal with an illness every day that requires the intervention of  medication and professionals and friends and family.

A competent, knowledgeable psychiatrist is essential. We LOVE the one we have now. If you don't like the first or second or third, keep going until you find one you LOVE...they exist, I promise.

Have at least one friend and one family member you can completely confide in, who can and will drop everything and run, who loves you and your loved one, unconditionally. My life has been profoundly blessed by these individuals who have known just when to call, stop by, reach out...Understanding, empathetic people do exist, usually they are the one who have faced mental illness in their own families.

Be HONEST...with yourself, your loved ones and those around...I am a gate keeper of sorts. I say no to things, cancel activities, monitor meds, if something is worrying or not right, I speak up. I tell people what we need and ask for help until I get it.

Pray. Like a lot. And no if you pray or have FHE or go to Church or read your scriptures more , your illness is going nowhere, trust me we have tried...being MORE righteous or religious will not cure anything...But I do find great peace by seeking guidance from a loving Heavenly Father.

And here is my biggest beef, misconception....Mental illness excuses actions and behaviour... I cringe every time....

Truth: Mental Illness does not automatically absolve us from all responsibility of behaviour, self care, the Golden Rule, family responsibilities, the 10 commandments, and on and on.

Access to and seeking competent care provides hope for the best possible outcome.

One would not deny a friend or loved one help for diabetes or cancer or... The same needs to be said for Mental Illness.

Christmas Kindness Continued

So the Christmas kindness continues...It's been a little rough this week as some personal challenges have weighed heavily on us...but focusing on others has been an AWESOME distraction...I smell a family tradition that will stick here...Wish we would have started this years before....

7. Made stockings for the Sister Missionaries

8.Sparkling Cider for friends
http://networkedblogs.com/FKXfT

the picture won't let me post....but these guys teach all of our kids in either Seminary or YW and I know my rug rats can drive anyone to drink ;)




9. Made a laminated nativity set for friends.
my kids are too young for this...so I found kids who would love it.

10. Baby Quilts

Two quilts one mom has impeccable taste in little boy names and the other mom brought her precious princess home from NICU last week (A...its in the mail tomorrow, I promise this time :))

11. Took flowers to a friends. (love, love, love these guys, like crazy ;))

12. Smiled and said Merry Christmas to every cashier/sales person I could.
kay, I admit, a slight cop out, but I am always so sad when I see how cranky people are to retail workers, especially at Christmas time.


13. Sent a sincere email, thanking my amazing cousin and his family

14. 10 handmade bags for Grants management team at work.

 

 

15. Paid for the people behind us in the drive-thru at Dairy Queen.

 

 

we ended up having to pull over to wait for our order , so the person behind us, came up and thanked us profusely..."Thanks so awesome, I'll pay it forward...I promise..." Her reaction made us both cry...

 

Just over a week to go...should be awesome.



Fast Food Circus

So we took the rug rats to Mc Donald's for dinner tonight, cause like yeah,starving your children is highly frowned upon, especially during the holidays :) Please don't judge me. It was a step up from the cereal they had last night and the tater-tots (just tater-tots) I think they had the night before. :)

We didn`t even have our stater child with us and the person taking our order still gave us `that look`....Our superman had to walk away as each rug rat meticulously special ordered their Mc-whatever. No pickles, add bacon, no mustard.....
As Grant and I finish our marathon order ....Madison and Dallyn come back up to the til, to announce that Dallyn had somehow spilt his ENTIRE coke (no he isn`t supposed to get coke) all over the table (something about Madison tripping him...)

We return to our table to discover instead of cleaning up the mess, my brilliant offspring had simply moved tables....`They have people for that`M and D say in unison....You made the mess, you clean it up, both of you...47 napkins later....

We scarf down dinner with only a few `leave each other alone, don`t steal her fries`

Then out of the corner of my eye I see Dallyn drop his last chicken nugget on the floor....

He gets a twinkle in his eye as I say `Don`t you dare eat that!``...

He blows on it and pops it in his mouth, quicker than I can knock it out of his hand...and then savours every morsel, as I fight my ever-present gag reflex....What are you three !!!!

Boys are so gross...

Then three minutes later Dallyn is sitting on Madison`s knee and some how falls off and smacks his head on the chair...Now man child is fighting back tears....

OH MY HECK!!!!

I thought we had out grown these, fast food gross outs, freak-outs, like ten years ago....

Nope, apparently not....

It was time to go, before the asked us too.

On the way home, the rug rats discovered the new van has voice activation and all were yelling out (inapporperate) anatomy parts, to see what happens...oh my little angels

And they wonder why, we leave them at home :)

Anger (Well Yes I Is)

This last week....

Superman: surprised me with the news that Grandma will be here for Christmas....

-worked more than sixty hours getting ready for the Super centre grand opening....

-emceed the grand opening

and....

Some how, even though we volunteered for nothing, our family ended up putting in hours of service for a Christmas dinner. It's tough when original plans fall through. Our teenagers were less then impressed (they weren't the only ones really)...

Well kids think of all the celestial points* you're getting???

"Not if you could read my thoughts. Mom" Alex says through clinched teeth..... :) :):)
(*no such thing...A story only Grant could explain...something about home teaching Bro. B as a teenager)

Then Sunday morning Superman's cape fell off...he, exhausted didn't make it to Church.... But I was less than understanding....I was angry



Rewind....

Friday, I spent a day visiting with a dear friend. Something my weary soul needed more than I realized. She's one person, that sees right through my happy crafts and slightly inappropriate humour and seems to know how sad and overwhelmed my heart is right now. She knows everything about me and my crazy family and loves us anyways, weird (my biggest fear is that if people really knew us/our heart aches, they would leave)....For the first time I acknowledged to her how much I was still grieving and how much I am still overwhelmed by a husbands illness and my crazy life....no explaining, no judgement....She just heard me and made me laugh and pointed out my blessings....I am thankful every day for the wonderful friends like her.

Back to Sunday....

Have you every found yourself in a place where EVERYTHING makes you angry??? It's something someone said at Church, the kids didn't do the dishes, your son's been picked on at school...on and on and on...   For me its been building for weeks and months. Sure I have plenty of justifiable reasons...heck its the stage of grief I'm in (if you believe in charts)...But Sunday my anger erupted...What started out as a discussion about, I don't even remember, turned into a screaming match and then my Superman said something...

"Robin, you are just so angry!!!"

"Of course I am!!!!

"But Robin you are angry at the WRONG things and people."

I so did not want to hear what he had to say, heck, he's up at the top of my list.....

"It's not Sister so and so at Church or the kids or even me ..."

"Just admit it...you hate that your Dad died... heck you still hate the fact that your mom died the way she did! You are even angry that I'm sick?!?" "That's what you're really angry about...Stop finding everything else to blame the anger on and deal with what you are ACTUALLY angry about....."

OUCH!!! Oh. No. He. Didn't!!!!

My brain was ready to articulate at the top of my lungs how wrong he was, but...I went into the ugly cry. There was truth in what he had to say and my heart heard it.... {Superman redeemed himself slightly, as he hugged me and just let me cry}

Anger...damn you.

There is no magical switch...I'm still angry but its really the grief, loss and heartache and not that my kids destroyed the kitchen to make sugar cookies (sigh)...

I will be forever grateful for friends that listen, a slightly crazy super hero husband that still knows and loves me best and for do-overs every day....

Random Acts of Christmas....

Last Christmas we focused on Gratitude and had all the kids fill a box with all the things we were grateful for...(Well don't we just sound like the perfect family)...

This Christmas We (I) decided we should focus our Christmas on others. I've been  feeling pretty down, sad, unexcited for Christmas this year and desperately needed to focus my thoughts and feelings elsewhere...So, here's what we came up with.  We are calling it our " random acts of kindness Christmas". Each day in December we are thinking of something we can do for someone. Nothing huge or major or expensive, just something to let someone else know they are loved...(again, with the perfect family, if people only knew (eye roll))

So far here is what we've done:

1. Gave a family the opportunity to go skating on us.

2. Delivered chocolates to our friends/neighbours.

3. Dropped off the Reindeer version of  a "Don't Eat Pete" game to a family of adorable little girls.

4. Gave a hand made Christmas ornament to an elderly neighbour.

5. Surprised someone on their birthday with a cupcake and a homemade gift.

6. And today the kids  taped baggies with change inside,  to bus stops with a note that says Merry Christmas, ride the bus on us...

 

Our lives are still as crazy as ever (why am I always surprised?)...but it has been great to have something to focus on.... And fun to see how creative my kids are...I wonder what we'll do tomorrow???

 

We will keep you posted.

 

 

 

Math Miracles :)

I have to admit I rolled my eyes, when I saw another email from my Calculus genius' teacher yesterday (I know bad parent)

To my pleasant surprise....


Hi,

I just wanted to say how pleased I am with(Calculus genius's ) math mark since she has been doing her practice. She has been using her marine bio class to get some of the assignments done. This new focus has really been reflected in her recent test and quizzes which have averaged at a B.


Well I'll be...she can be taught ;) 37% to B's (a miracle for sure)


I can take no credit here, we didn't even punish her other than a "you-know-you-can-do-better-you-have-to-do-the-work-to-pass-the-class" lecture. I guess in non-life-threatening situations I am a let them figure it out for themselves and reap the rewards or consequences.... kind of parent.

 My offspring finally decided to just do the work.

In this case my lazy parenting worked out. :)

{Just so you know I am so not the kind of parent I thought I'd be. When they were toddlers, I thought I'd be an organized, overly-involved, doting mother of teenagers...But life and my kids quickly taught me that was not the kind of parent I was or they needed}

Way to go my little calculus genius !!!!

Going Thru The Motions

I swore I was going to take this week off from Church ... I didn't really feel I had it in me to go. It's been a really difficult couple of days as I've watched my Superman struggle for stability in the midst of disappointment. He is only human, to most this disappointment would be a normal bump in the road.... no big deal.

But for him, it sent him spiraling down..He is so so hard on himself.....Only with years of experiences have I come to understand how quickly things can change for him, we can go from okay to life-threatening in hours. The worry (especially for me )is exhausting...We know what  works to stabilize him, and get help quickly,  but there is always the thought, what if this doesn`t work and we end up in full relapse again....


I spent Thursday and Friday just praying and going through the motions...I wish I could scream it from the roof top, Hey we're not ok over here...But instead I just told people we were fine, ignored the phone, told the home teachers, we were busy, cancelled anything I could and tried to pretend I didn't hate the power of an illness....

 For me, when things are rough, even the slightest negative critique or criticism of how I handle my Superman or family or personal life can feel ten fold and I just didn't want to pretend or add to my burden...so I just wasn't going today...


Well, guilt won out this morning...plus I would miss my awesome friends (yes I'm still a teenager)...AND it was testimony meeting and that NEVER disappoints in our Ward`:) Yes I`m going to hell for that statement and somehow I am just fine with that....

I knew it was going to be an AWESOME day (I`m serious) the minute a nameless sister, whose mission it is to get me to crack up while conducting, succeed in the first line of the opening hymn...a new record...

And no testimony meeting did not disappoint....


Don't get your knickers in a twist (anything British always makes me chuckle) this sister had a wonderful point about the up coming Christmas season, and not getting too stressed out . This really applies to me too, especially after this week.

Flying and drinking, never ever mix. (okay, not sure the explanation here...I had a hard time paying attention to the rest...)


The minute I get comfortable the Lord moves me to where I need to GROW. (This was said by a visitor today and really struck a chord with me, so so true)

See, Superman I actually listen, sometimes ;)




So I was still very much, going through the motions today and trying to do the best... I was surprised that I still got something out of Church....I felt loved by my friends (even without them knowing my burden) I felt a quiet sense of courage to keep trying and moving forward (even though, just give up was in my mind for days)

 And today....That was enough for me

Over Movember

Movember (men growing moustaches to raise money for male cancers)....I think Grant saw it as an excuse to be lazy .... I forgot how quickly Superman can turn into my mountain man ....

 

He decided on the full beard, cause somebody told him he looked like a {some kind of} star, with just moustache ...I think he looked dashing, but he thought all the gray just made him look old (we are old, well according to our children)...

 

So Saturday morning off with the beard ....Farewell my mountain man.'til next movember :)