Brutal

Writing words....I best express myself in writing. At times when I'm speechless, which is often, the words flow onto this blog with ease. I love being able to share our lives this way..."You are so open" I hear it often..."You talk about stuff, I would never..."

Yes, I am open, but on my terms and if by "stuff I would never" you mean mental illness, the penis joke someone told at dinner and peeing my pants in public, oh and the occasional swear. Then yes, guilty as charged.

I am no where as open as you may think. This blog is the edited, watered down version of our lives. If you say "oh I know, I read it on the blog, that's only the half story.

So many times I have sat here to share our lives and hit back space over and over again or given up all together. Half the stuff I want to blog about, I just can't... Somebody won't understand or it will just kindle gossip or heaven forbid somebody will get their feelings hurt...none are my intention and in a matter of honesty I don't have the energy or desire to stroke someone else's insecurities....

We have made it to the other side of a BRUTAL three weeks..... {backspace}

Many don't know that. When it gets this difficult, I am afraid to talk about it, to ask for help because there are only a very few who I trust with the heartache and fear and I can't bear another "not now"...{backspace}

"Oh I'm fine" I hear him reply on the phone and I want to scream "He. Is. Not!, He needs you! If you really knew him, you'd know that" {backspace}

We have made it to the other side of this relapse (I hope) but it's been a lonely road....{backspace}