Oh Yay, Mother's Day ?!?

I'm a Mom....so Mother's Day should be just awesome, right?

 Ummmm No....

Mother's Day and I aren't friends, and might never be.

It's a hard thing to explain...

The joys of motherhood were often lost on me, especially when the kids were tiny...

Sure I loved them, but the whirlwind of sleep depravation, diapers and depression made me count the days until they could just..feed themselves....get dressed...make their own sandwich...Mother's Day then brought feelings of failure and guilt...everybody else loved being a mother? Why didn't I?

Then there was the relationship I had with my own mother in this life...

I was loved. And I knew that when we saw moments of mom's true self, through the fog of illness .But I never had traditional, predictable support or affection and became a caregiver, long before adulthood...so Mother's Day was often heartbreaking as I longed for my Mom lost in the Fog.

Then after Mom died Mother's Day was torchure! Most assumed it was just the grief of losing my Mom, but it was the guilt of still being angry with my Mom. You're not supposed to be angry with dead people. And you are definitely not supposed to be angry with your dead mother on Mother's Day. So every Mother's Day I was certain I would be struck down to HELLO....it took years to not be angry and years to accept that motherhood just felt different for me...

So...I definitely like my kids more now ;) and I know that there will be a chance for me to really know and love my Mom when we meet again and so Mother's Day is no longer torchure but it still makes me sad some.