Just Words.

It totally caught me off guard and has sent me for an (emotional) loop for days...

They were just words. Words meant to show compassion and concern and support, even...So why did I feel like someone had just knocked the wind out of me???

Just the day before we had had a great visit, {our visitor} hadn't seen my superman in months, but it was good to see a friendly face and catch up. 

Totally fluke, I run into {our visitor}the very next afternoon as I am picking up a few things for turkey dinner....

"Hey thanks for the visit yesterday, it meant a lot."

"Oh Robin, I am so worried about him...he is not doing well at all...you can see it in his eyes...it's just devastating...it makes me so sad..."

"Oh but he's come a long way..." I say caught quite off guard.

I bite my lip hard as the pleasantries continue.

I hide my tears until I am alone in the juice aisle.

I must be crazy...

No I'm naïve...

No I am in denial...

That's it denial....Maybe they are right, this is devastating. Maybe things are never going to improve, get better, and I just refuse to see it. It's not hope, it's denial. I am so stupid.... I could not turn my brain off....I have mauled it over and over, for days. Eternally optimistic me felt devastated....

Why had I allowed {their} words to discount and dismiss how far we have come...

You should have seen where we were three months ago.

Okay so maybe we haven't won the war yet...but we have won countless battles over the last three months. Deeply private ones. And you know what, we are still fighting, there has to be something in that, alone.

{They}simply don't know my Superman's spirit like I do. His illness does not diminish his spirit or who he is. That's not denial...that's reality. And we believe in miracles. If can't see it, that's not our problem :)


 Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.⁵


-Like a Broken Vessel, by Jeffrey R. Holland 

 

Thankful, I Think?!

Maddie and Alex insisted on sharing what they had done in YW today, before we dove into turkey....

One (surprisingly) took this as a serious assignment.....

 

 

One (not surprisingly) did not....SIGH



I would have launched into a lecture, if I hadn't been laughing so hard....
This is when passing the sarcastic gene done a generation comes back to bite ya :)

Really Alex??? Do I need to find you a therapist??? ( 'cause you know we totally have connections)

Parenting Stupidy

I am convinced that something happens to our dear sweet, innocent twelve year olds on the eve of their thirteenth birthday...Their brains, they take a decade long hiatus...trust me.

Teenagers can't find any thing, I swear they need seeing eye dogs...  Except sugar and cash, that they find that nanoseconds ...The kid that misplaces my sewing scissors, seconds before, can find a chocolate bar I hid in the bottom left corner of the freezer before I remember I put it there and the other kid who hasn't seen his band instrument in 17 days, finds the $6.50 in change I left in my pants pocket two weeks ago....

The last week has proven that there is a very fine blurry line, between teenager stupidity and insanity...

I had to ask, demand that my brilliant teenagers remove an inappropriate video on vines...I would have never imagined gummy bears could be inappropriate, but I have apparently underestimated the skills of my stupid teenage daughters....{How'd I find it...same kids downloaded the app on my phone and favourited their handy work}awesome

So this conversation happened last week....

M: We are going to be late...
Me: Why?
M: Alex got detention
Me: Say what? (positive I had miss heard)
M: Alex got detention!
Me: The perfect one?!?! The one who has never gotten in trouble at school before?
M: Yup that's the one!
Me: What'd she do???
M: Left her 'artwork' on her desk...
Me: You let graffiti artist know, there will be consequences when she gets home! I say laughing, cause I find great humour in princess getting knocked own a notch or two


Then Grant and I get in OUR van after a few days of letting Race car Madison drive it to school...with the implicit instructions that it is NOT to leave the school parking lot during school time....Grant and I can't even see the floor thru all the Starbucks cups, Timmies bags and McDonalds wrappers...

'You aren't allowed to take OUR van any where but school!!!'

'I don't!!!!'

'Really?!?....Ever heard of a garbage bag, darling????'

'Oh aaa sorry!'

I love my teenagers!!! Their stupidity not so much!

Conference Answers

A rough road continues...Superman and I sat in the doctors office, this week, trying to figure out what to do next...There are no quick fixes and no guarantees...Time will tell... The honesty appreciated but so difficult to hear...

I hid my tears until we got to the van, but the life long reality it hard...While we had just gained deeper understanding of what we are facing, and could not deny our doctor's honesty...my heart again ached at the thought....

Two days later....

I turned on General Conference this afternoon completely out of obligation, rather than desire...The Ipad sitting on the table as I sewed, I caught only bits and pieces above the drone of my sewing machine...I heard them announce Elder Jeffery R Holland as a speaker..."Oooo I wonder what topic he will tackle today", I thought as I continued piecing together my quilt...

Elder Holland started his talk ..."I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness..."

What???

I stopped dead and grabbed the Ipad...

There have been many articles and lessons on Mental Illness but this was the first time I remember it being directly addressed in General Conference.

As I listened intently, I realized I was sobbing...

I felt so many different emotions...acknowledged...loved...understood...

There was so much power, in just acknowledging the challenge that mental illness is. A challenge our family and Superman has face for decades...and not always with the compassion and understanding Elder Holland lovingly and powerfully shared.

This last week was so hard and  I instantly knew my Heavenly Father was fully aware of our struggles and how much my heart was hurting...



.....Be merciful, non-judgemental and kind....

I bear witness of that one day when loved ones that we knew to have disabilities in mortality, will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect, in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be. I don't know whether we will be happier for our selves for witnessing such a miracle, or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally free at last....


I could barely read my friends text, through my tears, immediately following Holland's amen....

"Did you just watch Holland's talk?"...<3 em="">


We are not alone in our struggles. How grateful I am for the hope the gospel brings. And for General Conference...
Elder Holland's talk...

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10

Twin Sisters

Not one single, disagreement, unkind word or fight in more than twenty years...

For sisters who by all definitions hated each other in high school. We have never had an argument since. Why? We needed each other.

We faced the rapid decline and tragic death of our Mom in our twenties and the deja vu of sorts as we watched our Dad's decent into dementia and subsequent death in our thirties.

We made medical decisions, planned funerals, sorted through paperwork and houses and settled affairs, without a single disagreement.

 I remember Moms funeral director commenting, "Wow for sisters you sure get along."

We were well aware that family did not always behave well in these circumstances...We had had a front row seat not that many years prior. And I think we realized then that relationships had a greater value than nick nacs or furniture.

Kelli and I made a choice and kept a promise.

I will be forever grateful that my sister stepped in and cared for my Dad, when I couldn't leave, her circumstances not that much better than mine...She showed no animosity, just complete understanding..."You will come when you can..."

Recently the lawyer helping with my Dads affairs "Congratulated Kelli and I on being able to get along and trust each" (does that mean we get a discount? ;)) He shared that that isn't the norm...

Yeah we know :)

Relationships simply have a greater value.

How grateful I am for a sister like mine. We have shared everything in this life (except boyfriends, ewww) Birthdays, triumphs and heartaches...always together, the way it was intended.

She is my greatest blessing and dearest friend.

Happy Birthday, Kelli. I love you.

Dance in the Rain?

{Warning: first, I know many others have far greater challenges than us an my heart goes out to you...second, I might say a swear in this post, and no I'm not sorry}

Oh yeah, my birthday.... can we just skip it this year? Its not the getting older part, I don't mind that. Getting older is a gift, not everyone gets. I am grateful for another year...its that...

Birthdays are instant reminders that my parents are really gone and that I miss them. It hurts more this year, I think? (stupid grief)

It's also a conversation I had with Superman as we were falling asleep the other night...

Hey its your birthday next week, at least you don't have to clean out your Dad's house this year...I can't believe its been a year..."It's been a long, rough year hasn't it?, Superman, says sympathetically.

Donning face masks and gloves, in 105 F heat, filling dumpster after dumpster with our Dad's rodent and spider infested hoard was a shitty awful way to spend our birthday a year ago. I remember leaving that house, the task finished and thinking...Ahh things have to get better soon....


I had no way of knowing that our gauntlet wasn't nowhere near over and the year that lay ahead would again be full of challenges....

I sit here, a year later still wondering if lasting healing or even stability will ever come for my Superhero, or is our journey to simply learn to dance in the rain?

 Difficult decisions this week and an uncertain future, faith still our only sure option.

Will another difficult October, turn into another difficult year? If I am completely honest the thought down right scares me.

I always say I'm fine...we're coping...we're surviving and I totally want to believe it every time I say it, but sometimes its a complete lie.

Its kind sucking right now...wow honesty.

My birthday wish.... if it can't change, at least give me the courage and faith to continue dancing in the rain.

All Dressed Up!

So I spent the last week creating some dresses for my friend who is an amazing photographer and Mom. (Vanessa Lust Photography)....

 

And spent the entire week wishing I had learned to sew when my girls were little....

 

I'm  far from skilled seamstress (don't look close) and can not, for the life of me follow a pattern...

I'm make it up as you go kinda girl...which also explains my life completely.

 

T-shirt turned into a dress...

 

 

 

 

I tried to follow a pattern here but gave up (after much cursing, heck, darn ;))....

 

skirt and doctored up t-shirt.....

 ruffle-butt

 same thing...

  So I never make the same exact thing twice...I only used second hand fabric and can only do it my way.

Thanks Vanessa for giving me a creative outlet :)



I then used left over knit fabric from trek to make a maxi skirt and top for our family's almost seven year old :)...

Grant says I have to step away from my machine now :) I told him to give up his Coke Zero ....he has since apologized :)