Quiet Courage

When did things change, its hard to remember. Measured in days and weeks its almost unoticacle but measured in months and years the change is dreadful and drastic. How did my Dad go from the eccentric, brilliant musician, who had a life full of family, friends and engagements. To a man afraid to leave the house, full of anger and confusion. How did we get here.

Today he cancelled all Christmas plans, leaving my sister holding a non-refundable plane ticket, he will have nothing to open on Christmas and no one to spend the day with, no one to share dinner with. All his own choice.  Today I was actually angry with him. Angry at the heartache he has caused my sister and her family, angry that he no longer cares how his actions affect others. He no longer resembles the father I once knew. How did we get here.

But all the anger is overshadowed by immense worry. Something is dreadfully wrong with him. Neither my sister or I are in denial about that.  Neither my sister or I are able to drop everything and run. Neither her or I have the ability to force his hand. I feel dreadfully stuck, its like watching a train wreck in slow motion and being able to do nothing to change the outcome. A deja vu, of sorts....

Nine years ago, we placed my mom in care. We had no other option, the decision had been taken from our hands. I never imagined then, that that heartache would ever come again.

I pray for the quiet courage I need to face the decline of another parent, I pray I can find the strength to juggle yet another challenge.

I pray that bitterness does not set foot in my life.That I will see the tender mercies in all things.  I pray that at this Christmas season I will remember that my Saviour was not only born for me but is also there to continually succor and sustain me.