God heals all wounds. I believe this, truly I do. But during the healing process even with that belief, that statement can burn and bite and dig. Especially when someone says it who has no idea of the length and depth of your suffering....
This may seem a bit jumbled and awkward but that's my life lately. So stay with me...
Kelli and I finally talked 10 days after Christmas, each apologizing excessively for being a terrible sister and not calling sooner...neither of us the least bit offended. Holidays are hard, and we just get it.
Kelli said: I just try my best not to think about our parents at Christmas. It's just easier that way.
I instantly understood. Certain things are not forgotten,
My mind flooded with memories.
I was in my Christmas pajamas, but it was after Christmas. I came down the hallway with its yellow shag carpet on the way to my bedroom, the last door on the left. Mom came out of the bathroom across the hall, wearing her purple mu mu with giant white flowers on it ... my eight year old self went to give her a hug before bed. My feet caught on the shag carpet and I fell into her as I tried to wrap my arms around her. In an instant I was flying backwards down the hallway. Landing hard a several feet away. I had no idea what happened.
Don't you ever put your face in my {chest} again!!! Are you a pervert?! {At eight, I had know idea what she meant}
Mom was very ill, well mom's don't shove their kids down the hallway. But the trauma was still trauma
Kelli never flew down a hallway, but her experiences were just as painful and traumatic as mine. Together we survived the impossible.
Not once has Kelli not honored my truth and I, her truth. Yes we experienced the same events differently and were traumatized differently by them. She has never told me well that didn't happen that way... she listens, we listen.
We have always just given each other space and safety to share our stories. We just understand. I think its just one of our compensating blessings.
The last few years have brought new trauma for me and it has NOTHING to do with Grant or his illness.
Deeply personal events that have that brought anguish and suffering. Events I wondered if I would survive. Events where I walked away physically and emotionally harmed....
I know what crossed boundaries are and abuse is. Dress it up with whatever vocabulary you want, irregardless its a behavior that is never ok.
I'm in a place where I've asked so many whys these last few years. Whys only God can answer. I've been through so much in life, why do I still feel so wounded and unheard ??
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I do know that god can and will heal all wounds, EVENTUALLY. Here or in heaven we are healed. Wounds need to be addressed and dressed to heal. We can't just say well don't be offended. Wounds need the Physician, not our opinions Those in the process of healing are the ones holding the the time card. Healing takes time, there is no express lane. When we say "god heals all wounds" and things like unto it to others we see struggling. We deeply harm them.
Still healing.
Always healing.
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