Braced.

I walked into the Queen Alexandria Spasticity and Orthotics Clinic, in Victoria yesterday. The sights and sounds, made memories flood back. Its been at least thirty years since I've walked through the doors of such a place. Walking the same checkered Linoleum hallway again and again as professionals with clipboards watched me walk. The only difference from my years at the Rehabilitation Institute of Orange County  and CHOC in California and yesterday is they asked me the questions.

Do you fall a lot?

Is climbing stairs painful?

Do you fatigue quickly?

YES.

Then came the options for support:

I was expecting something cute, maybe with flamingos, what they brought out was this....

Its called the Blue Rocker. "Do the shoes come in VELCRO?!?!" I ask, not sure if they caught the inflection.

I've never been a vain person but suddenly I felt like a Kardashiam in a thrift shop.

Seriously. How am I supposed to keep my disability with those on the down low?  Those are going to look absolutely sexy next summer in my booty shorts. 

I wanted to cry. 30 years and here we meet again. One can run from nothing in life. Or in my case walk swiftly praying my face doesn't hit the pavement. The Dr and Orthotist left the room and my tears flowed..."braces: you're just looking for attention, Robin" the thoughts in my head racing...All those years of hiding this as a kid and I paid a high price emotionally and physically. 

Finding validation is cathartic. Have prayers answered helps my faith even when the answers make me look like Inspector Gadget and the Iron Giant had a baby.  Accepting a visible reality of being disabled will take time.  

It will take a month or two to get everything made and sorted, so I'll have time to have a proper funeral and send off for my beloved VANS collection. 

Shaking Hands

I fell apart Easter weekend, a story for another day. But that emotional mutiny forced me to seek help and support and acknowledge a wounded heart that still needs a lot of healing...

It was in the middle of that emotional mutiny  that I got the last minute call and invitation to attend a Leadership Conference in Vancouver with Elder David A Bednar. (A member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles). With all the changes announced in General Conference, Relief Society presidents in our area were asked to attend...

I should have been thrilled with the invite, but instead felt this instant lack of worthiness to be there, its amazing where your thoughts go when you are struggling. And I wondered how I could manage to make the logistics work. But a dear friend stepped in and made sure I had no way of backing out of attending.

That friend also took me to the temple, something I desperately needed, but didn't realize how much until I felt the peace that can only be felt in the temple.

Saturday morning we entered the Langley chapel, were given name tags and assigned to sit in our Stakes. Nanaimo Stake got right at the front (Go Nanaimo) . They had asked us to be in our seats by 9:30, a half in hour before the meeting was to begin...We were surprised when Elder Bednar walked in early with the other visiting General Authorities.

Our area seventy Elder Murray came to the pulpit and announced that Elder Bednar and the other visitors would like to shake the hands of everyone in attendance (200+). Say what??? Being in the front we had just moments to understand what Elder Murray had just said. I hope I will always remember the love I felt as Elder Bednar  looked me in the eye, shook my hand and thanked me for serving...Tears flowed as I filed back to my seat. The spirit tenderly comforted me as I sat in the pew waiting for each one to file past . Such a sweet experience at the end of a most difficult week.

We all spent the next four hours with Elder Bednar, Elder Kearon, Elder Dube and Elder Murray in a Question and Answer session...It was truly an amazing experience. And taught me that even in the midst of turmoil, with our Heavenly Father's help we can continue to serve and help those around us... 

"Imagine how it would be if you didn't have to worry about someone taking it the wrong way"

"There is no rule against common sense"

"Unity is the prerequisite to receive revelation"

Much needed solace for the soul. 

 

Reaching Adulthood

Man-child turns EIGHTEEN today. According to the Canadian government that means adulthood. (I'm guessing they haven't spent much time with any 18 year olds, lately). Every Kramer is now an adult. . I'm sitting here swinging  somewhere between stoic sadness and relieved wonder. Until yesterday this moment seemed like an eon away.....

I had barely reached adulthood myself when motherhood came, and by 25, I was the mother of five. Crazy really. I have never felt like a natural at this gig. and still feel like I'm in the middle of a test I haven't studied for....But somehow we managed figured it out together. I worried way too much about the wrong things when they were littler. Matching church outfits didn't matter. The repeatedly spilt apple juice and Lucky Charms all over the kitchen floor, didn't matter. Feeling like I had to maintain the unattainable perfect mother persona , absolutely pointless.

Somewhere between the diapers and the grad ceremonies, I became much more comfortable in the constant chaos and commotion and embraced my mothering awkwardness. I traded in the perfection trophy for a This Is Me t-shirt. They actually never noticed. 

Just love them it's that simple. Yes they will break your heart (many times actually) But that love will always be the bridge across the break. Adulthood is awesome., they are amazing. A milestone reached but nothing really has changed. I love them dearly and I'm their mother. Now will someone besides me please go clean the laundry room?!?1