Our bishop checking on our family:
"How's Grant handling things with all this Covid stuff?"
Me: Staying home and not having to interact with people, it's ALL his dreams come true.
We both laughed.
In all seriousness, Grant has been so unwell. His struggle with mental illness have reach depths we never imagined it would. My heart breaks for him as we both come to terms with this ever changing beast.
I could go into all the medical terms for what is going on. What the DSM-V says. How our psychiatrist came to each diagnosis. The brutal choices we have had to make with treatment and medications. The stigma and mistrust of our choices from outside our arena. The isolation. But your understanding of all that doesn't change our reality for a single second. So it's not needed.
Some days my Superman is funny, engaged, and busy. Some days getting out of bed takes hours and he doesn't remember to eat unless I put a plate in front of him and self care is impossible.
Some days he laughs hysterically at some dumb B movie and is showing me funny memes he's saved on his phone. Some days he struggles to respond to a question and carry on any conversation. Flipping through video after video, for endless hours trying to find focus for a troubled racing mind.
Some days he is sweet and kind and tender and some days the frustration and anger rage and nothing I do can reach him.
We no longer talk about healing. Its something we have accepted isn't coming. Not because we have lost faith or hope. We haven't. It's because we have decided to hope for other things. Hope that on the some days that are really terrible we will just be able to cope and not become bitter. Hope that on that one or two or ten really good days we will just be grateful and enjoy it while its here.
I don't know why trials come. And I don't believe platitudes ever help. "God only gives the hardest trials to his toughest soldiers" Um? BARF?? I will seriously punch (from a distance) the next person who says this or anything like unto it.
Some days I am full of courage and faith and some days I'm pretty angry at Good.
Some days I am quick to count my blessings and some days I grieve deeply the things we have lost to an illness we didn't ask for.
Some days I can let the ignorance of others roll off my back and laugh at the stupidity and some days it hurts my heart deeply and I shed many tears.
Some days hoping for different blessing is my only way to find comfort
We are all at a time we never imagined in our lives. (Unless you're Prepper or watch some crazy stuff on Netflix :) )
Lets give others something else to hope for because some days we really need each other.
