Thursday, January 31, 2013

A Little Catch Up (not the condiment) :)

Life has been CRAZY!!!! and I've been a little behind in the blogging department recently...

Here's what this lazy  mother didn't blog about.....

December/January Catch-UP

Superman had a birthday...the last of his thirties.{He doesn't look a day over 39}

Our starter child became an ADULT. {I have NO idea how to parent these CREATURES}

Starter child got a great promotion at work. {McAwesome :) }

We survived TWO in law visits in less than two weeks.{first time house was clean, second it was NOT}

Starter child was employee of the year for 2012. {McWOW!}

Resident artist got a job. {Welcome to Wal-Mart}

We will be putting our dentists Grandchildren through college.{dentist, filling out passport forms, grocery shopping and laundry...times when I realize I have TOO MANY offspring}

Our resident artist finished High School a semester early. {For a kid who needed learning assistance all the way through elementary...This. Is. Amazing!}

Madison PASSED pre-calculus.{She can be taught}

Alex and Holly have perfected there skills on Just Dance 4 {Instead of doing laundry}

And Dallyn...Dallyn this morning upon seeing me put TAMPONS in my purse says "Well, that explains everything!!!" complete with eye roll and sigh. {Gotta love that boy :)}

Just praying life settles down soon....Today we are off to our favourite medical professional with our fingers and toes crossed, praying for a little (read a lot) of inspiration on what the heck to try next...At least its never boring around here :)

Monday, January 28, 2013

A Tough One

Last week started out perfectly, I'm serious. We spent a lovely two days away and reflected on how blessed we are, and we really are blessed.

Well two days later I am giving my super hero the choice of calling his doctor immediately or taking his butt to the crisis nurse, as I am walking Madison out the door for (minor) dental surgery.

My mind is trying to say empathetic but its hard not to take the firestorm of a mentally ill spouse, personally.

I'm sitting in the dentist office, when my Superman texts: "What's the DR's bleep number". The fact that I have the number programmed in my phone, is another "only now it's funny" story for another day. I text back the number with a very insincere :).

I then text our friend and ask him stop by that evening to give Grant a blessing. I have no idea what else to do.

I am exhausted and just want to cry but its a little had to do in a dentists office.

When my phone beeps again I don't even want to look at it.

"I called him are you happy"

"Thanks sweetheart" the fact that I wanted to wring his neck was not apparent in a text, Which is a very good thing.

DR figures: The old med Grant had stopped a week before had not left his system (my superhero's liver is so special.) So the new med he had just started was essentially double dosing him. We weren't seeing illness we were seeing a double dose of the side effects that made him have to stop the old med.

 SCARY for both of us.

Three awful days and even with all of our faith, understanding and love this one was a really tough one. Its so hard to not feel like we are just meant to endure life and never enjoy it.

Our friends have been so kind this week. But I have had more than one aquaintance this week tell me that I am some kind of superhero for "putting" up with this. Well meaning (maybe not) but painful words. I don't need pity or rewards or praise.

I have watched a humble man battle a devstating illness for more than a decade, he has had countless times when he could  have given up (nobody would have blamed him) and let the illness dictate and devistate his life. But he is the strongest man I know and he hasn't given up yet.

And neither will I.

Small and simple things made today a good day,  hope enough to keep trying.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Five Minute (Parenting) Fail

It was such a calm, quiet day. I had cleaned the house, not the mother in law treatment, but if my visiting teachers popped by I could at least open the door and invite them in without an obstacle course.

 I had put dinner in the crock pot, just chicken tacos, but at least it wasn't a frozen pizza :)

And I had spent the next several hours writing while listening to some good tunes......

Holly's car pulls in the drive way and seconds later my house is full of screaming teenagers, peace and quiet GONE!

Now I suck at parenting, that's not a secret. But some moments even I stoop to a new life time low...

I wasn't supposed to be picked up until 5!!!!

Next time I'll just leave your children on the side of the road.

You can't kick me out of the car!

Your not aloud to Punch me.

You now, in my head I had every intention of calmly trying to sort this out and settle things down, but what came out of my mouth was "What the h@#$% is wrong with you people!!!"

Not my most educated parental move.

My angels apparently considered that an invitation and now instead of 4 screaming maniacs there were 5.

Here is what I could discern from the hollering:

Dallyn was picked up an hour early from a play date, (I know you don't call it that but when you act like a 5 year old???)  because of a miss communication with Starter child and was now never going to get his project done.

In trying to (not so calmly) explain the miss communication with starter child, Starter child thinks I am attacking her and I am met with a barrage of complaints and ingratitude's (can you tell we are both Adults?)

An unnamed child comes in the door, My puzzled look is met with "Your daughter kicked me out of the car!"

Yeah cause you were punching your brother!!!! But you're not the parent. You can't do that in my car. Now unnamed and starter are in a full on screaming match, While Dallyn is trying to still explain the terrible injustice of being picked up early.....

I scream ENOUGH!!! just as I notice Superman coming in the front door.

Great timing sweet heart.He never hears the start of it, sigh.

What the H@#$ is going on! (at least I'm not the only one who said H@#$)

"Family meeting NOW!" all the offending parties not so willingly go to the living room...

Note to self: Family meetings are INEFFECTIVE if everyone is still yelling :)

A lecture is launched on the respect of parents, siblings and family...In other words "How. Dare. You. Behave. Like. This!!! Within seconds Starter storms out ,followed close behind by our resident artist....The only ones left were Man child who was still muttering on about his great injustice and sweet Alex who literally hadn't said a word since arriving in the door.

Well wasn't that effective, I say to my sweet Superman. Who just shook his head.

It had been 4minutes and 47 seconds since my sweet darlings had walked in the door.

Parenting Fail #578042...there is beauty all around, when NO ONE is home. :)

(apologies were made when everybody had calmed down, just in case we had lost that perfect family status ;))

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Foggy Retreat

Superman and I skipped out of Church after Sacrament meeting on Sunday...I know we're going to heck, (see y'all there)and I`m ok with it, but he and I had just couldn't keep our Sunday faces going a second longer. We weren`t sad or upset in fact we were relieved and happy. And knew without a doubt that we had made the right decision(about the calling, not leaving early) and were pleased with who was called into the bishopric. A great man with an great family. All was well and exactly where it needed to be.

Grant and I were just exhausted in a way no one else needed to understand. So we went home and packed.

We had made reservations several days before for Dolphin`s Resort, just north of Campbell River and about 45 minutes from our home for Sunday night. We knew we needed a chance to decompress and take a deep breath and friends had said this place was awesome.

They were RIGHT, our own cabin over-looking Discovery Passage, wood burning stove and hot tub. Quaint and quiet and perfect.

Something about the cold sea air, the fog rolling in thick and listening to he fog horns from the Quadra Island ferry and lighthouse in front of a roaring fire, made for a perfect night. So relaxing.

 our cabin

our view

the beach 
our fire.
The food at the resort was AMAZING! .... but this is the best thing I've ever had, anywhere, seriously....
 This is Rebecca's spit
me sporting me toque, it was just a degree or two above freezing
and the light house.
and yes the fog horn was blaring so we didn't say long....
of course the fog started to lift as the ferry pulled away from dock :)
So glad to have some time away.
Man I love my Superman :) and we even came home to a perfectly clean house. (they're probably hiding something ;) But I'll take it :)

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Grant was released today from the Bishopric...A release Grant asked for and we knew was coming.

I listen with tears streaming down my cheeks as Grant talked to our Stake President on the phone several weeks ago. My heart broke as I heard him explain that his bipolar was in relapse and not responding to meds or treatment and that he was no longer able to serve in a calling he loved because of health concerns....Our stake president and friend was so kind and understanding  as he and Grant came to the decision that the calling was not a burden he needed to carry for now, instead focusing on health and healing.

My heart aches.This illness has cost my Superman such a high price. So many things have had to change over the last eighteen months since the  full blown relapse of mental illness came, just weeks after one Bishop was released and another called.  Its hard to comprehend why healing has not come in the way we have desired or prayed for. But that is not for us to figure out. I am just grateful for the three years he has been able to serve. And that a new family will now experience the blessings of this calling too.

Bishopric has been a wonderful blessing for Grant and our family. Lessons and friendships we will always cherish. I have seen countless times Grant reaching beyond his own strength to help another, finding words to comfort and teach that were not his own. I have watched as time and schedules always seemed to work out. The tender mercies of the calling never ceased to amaze us.

Maybe it's illness or maybe just life but Grant has always struggled with feelings of self worth and what I will cherish the most from these last three years is.....

Because Grant felt a great love for others and those he served with and he could feel our Heavenly Father's love for them, he began to really believe that his Heavenly Father loved him too and that he was worthy of that love. That transformation is a miracle.

Thank you Andreas and Michelle, Manfred and Ruby, Brian and Christine, Brad and Loni, Ron and Maggie we love you and your friendship and understanding mean the world to us especially as we have battled a difficult illness.You all have been our angels.

Calling change but friendships endure.

We are unsure what the future will hold but we will face it with the same courage, strength and hope that has carried us this far. Undaunted, with a knowledge that we are loved and we do not walk this journey alone.

Plus the kids are already fighting over who gets to sit next to Dad simply move on and we are okay with that :).

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Word :)

It's been a wacko a thought a word game was in order :) (that's ok it doesn't make any sense to me either)

 Match the word of the day to day of the week it belongs.....







7. ABIDE (#4 definition :))

A Krazy Kramer Week In Review

Saturday: Farm Therapy (a little dirtier, but way less expensive than conventional therapy.) also known as how to avoid your teenagers.

Sunday: In Laws return (that's enough about that)

Monday: Made dinner 'cause in laws were still here (yay me)

Tuesday: Board to tears, waiting for Alex and Man child to get the fangs scrubbed; In laws leave; a friends phone call came just when I was at my breaking point.

Wednesday: Dallyn should become a MIDWIFE according to a careers test he took at school (of course I won't blog about that :)) HaHaHa 

Thursday:emergency visit with the psyciatrist (no I can't spell) Just need to tweak Super's super powers, first patient on a new med. This should be fun :) ; less than stellar moment parenting the starter child, note to self: wait til morning, yer cra cra when you're tired :)

Friday: Low blood sugar and crappy service make for a very cranky Robin, All I want is my Beef Dip, why is that so wrong?!

S 1; S 7; M 5; T 3; W 4; T 6; F 2

Monday, January 14, 2013

Honesty's Risk is Judgement

I desperately want to blog about something funny...funny is so much easier to share than hurt. There is funny in my life, lots of it. Grandpa Bruce said something to Dallyn to night that made me fall out of my chair, really. But it's my father in law and of course it cannot be repeated in public...But I am still laughing, appropriate or not I love that side of him.

And oh yeah i need to apologize profusely for spraying a mouthful of lemonade all over our rockin' friends in Boston Pizza the other night. It. was. hilarious. and apparently can't hold my lemon flavoured beverages. In my defense what my friend said was dang funny and again unrepeatable and she kinda maybe deserved it ;) Having to ask for extra napkins was slightly embarrassing I must admit.

But the honest answer is a tough one right now. Truth be told Superman's illness is not cooperating no mater what we throw at it right now and witnessing the battle is heartbreaking, there have been many private tears and tough decisions because of it. I had someone actually say they were surprised our marriage survives this over again and over again. Well our marriage is not the problem, its the illness that disappoints us, not each other.

When things are really unstable like this its hard to focus on anything else. I want to just climb in a cocoon and say wake me up when the sun is shining again. Its hard to let people in to help. To admit how hard it really is for both of us. Honesty's risk is judgement. We have nothing left for judgement. But I'm tired and at my breaking point.

I have been more honest in the last week than I have in years, This. is. so. hard. My honesty has been met with empathy and love for the Superman and me. The worry is still there and there will be some long weeks ahead but there is a glimmer of hope and that's all we need to keep trying. We have been so blessed by the friends in our lives. they really are our angels. Thank you my friends and please keep my Superman in your prayers.

And lets hope the kids do something hilarious at the dinner table tomorrow, cause that's what y'all really want to read about know isn't it. :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

My Book

For years friends have told me I should write a book..."You have a way with words and definitely have a life that reads like a novel." "You should share it."
I have come across two books in recent years that are beyond relatable. I read the Glass Castle years ago and loved it, But just before Christmas I found this lone copy of The Memory Palace" at Costco...I had heard nothing about the book but felt compelled to read it.
I read it in three days, almost unable to put it down. No it wasn't my life story but I related to it in a way I haven't related to any other book before. It was the emotions and heartache and frustration of a daughter and her sister being raised by a brilliant and severely mentally ill mother. That for the first time made my experiences nearly normal.
I should really write a book....
Trust me countless times in the years following my mother's death I have tried to put words to paper, but after a few paragraphs I've walked away angry or in tears. I just wasn't ready. It was still too fresh, too painful.
Over the last few months, since my Father's death, I have felt a greater need to get our story on paper...Not because I want to publish a book, but for the sake of family history, but I still feared the emotions I would have to face.
Well the book was my only legitimate New Years' resolution and I'm no quitter (at least 'til February) So today I sat down and wrote nearly 2000 words, an honest start. And for the first time the words flowed free of anger. I'm actually quite please with myself. Maybe I really can heal and move forward.
A goal is nothing unless it is written down, so I want a rough copy done by Easter and it finished by summer.
I know most won't understand what a huge and necessary step this is for me. But I know and for the first time in a long time....
Yay Me!!!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Good Things...

"That's so hard, you must just be so overwhelmed...." A kind and caring friend said on the phone today (asking how Grant was doing)..."well maybe, but its kind of our normal, so its nothing we can't handle..." I say half trying to convince myself I was speaking the truth...

That conversation got me thinking....Man I've been a negative Nelly lately. Sure our lives are difficult and trying at times but, I can think of others who have had heavy heartaches, this week even and suddenly I have a renewed gratitude for the good things I do have....

Friends who understand us and are oh so very kind

A superman who still holds my hand.(maybe cause he's afraid I'm going to fall, but what ever :))

Kids who are funny, dang funny (read dumb sometimes, but calling your kids dumb is bad parenting, even when they do dumb things :))

Enough to meet my needs and then some.

The energy and desire to keep trying and trying and trying....

That quiet reassurance that there is always hope and a new day

Hot chocolate, my new addiction

Grant's black fuzzy work socks that actually keep my feet warm.

Musicals and the fact that it annoys my family so, when I randomly break out in song

My new pillows, who knew but man I slept like a baby

Yeah life is not anywhere close to the life I imagined while I was a young woman...My knight in shining armour is a Superhero, who occasionally needs his superpowers adjusted, my kids have senses of humour that resemble that of a sailors and my house is only clean if we know people are coming over....But...

I share my life with AWESOME people and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Stuff D Says....Boyfriends

So a sister who shall remain nameless was saying goodbye to the "its not" a boyfriend...

When I hear Dallyn yell (looking out the window) "That's so gross!!!! Loud enough for  a sister and the entire neighbourhood to hear.

Gotta love little brothers, no really parents love little brothers :)...

Dallyn!!! "That's rude!" I say, while winking and shaking his hand...

"Boyfriends are gross.... but I can't wait 'til I get a GIRLFRIEND!!!"

I'm going to have to lock that boy up....sigh

{Not For} Yoga Pants

It was just the Superman and me together all day after a marathon morning at the doctors office...

Grant is trying to save our marriage by finally having his snoring issue, that he swears he doesn`t have, referred to the sleep clinic (no the $50 new pillows did. not. help.)  and Bailey needed x-rays for her wackadoodle knees ( dang Kramer genes) , that took almost two hours, sigh. and I was without my colouring book and smarties.

So being kid free and on speaking terms ;) meant one thing...A little retail therapy at our favourite therapist named Dr. Costco. He charges about 75 bucks for 20 minutes.

Then I saw them YOGA PANTS !!!! Why have I never had yoga pants before?
"Really??, your not buying those, are you??"... from they guy who has a book about his i pad and more pillows already in the cart.

Yes, I want yoga pants and no they will never see the inside of the gym and they will definitely never ever participate in yoga. But...

Who doesn`t need pants that say I`m sporty AND lazy all at once??? :) I do!

Superman just rolled his eyes...I had no idea he had such a disdain for yoga pants....even better.

The rest of the day consisted of a nap and then picking up the kids from school. Sometimes I love my life, no really...

As the Man Child jumps in the van... "Look what happened to my shoe?!?" The sole of his runner is hanging on by the heel...(pretty sure Math was boring and he helped it do that) "I think I need new shoes?"... Ya think.

We run home,  so Bailey can get ready for work and then head out the door to drop her off and try to find shoe-wrecker new kicks...

Man child then noticed...

"You`re not wearing those in public are you?!?",  pointing at me pants

Yes! why?

Mom! I might see my friends and then I`d have to kill you...

So Man child also has a disdain for work out wear too....

I pranced around proud of my pants the rest of the evening :) My men walked about 20 feet behind me.

I heart yoga pants and yes man child loves his new shoes and some how I fit right in at Sport Check :) Superman is still rolling his eyes :)

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Maybe I Should (Shouldn't) Blog About This....

You know when family relationships, no matter how loud you sing "Love at Home" still resemble a comic strip cliche, a Honey Boo Boo dinner scene and a bad soap opera just can't blog about it.

Or you have a teenage daughters, who have  boyfriends just can't blog about it.

Or the Christmas you hoped for with soft carols, drifting snow, cookies and hot chocolate and family left you feeling misunderstood and alone, with a Superman still facing a scary relapse and a heart still aching from grief. simply can't blog about it...

Blogging is my therapy and more than a dozen times, in the last month I have sat down to express our reality and decided that the words we either too angry, too personal or too whiny to post. I'm not in the best of places at the moment and who wants to read about this less than celestial Mormon housewife's blubbering when they can read 100's of other blogs with perfect families pictured in coordinating casuals on a beautiful landscapes looking like heaven's just around the corner. With posts  about perfect FHE lessons (it's been months), well balanced freezer meals (do tater tots count?) and family gatherings where families actually want to be together.(yes feeling like an orphan sucks).

If that's the kind of blog you want to read...unfollow's okay :)

I'm not really happy about our life right now, Well its the truth...

We pray, pay our tithing, are kind to our neighbours, teach our children to work for what they have, look for ways to help others but...

Nothing has changed the fact that Superman is sick and its scary....

Superman is really unstable right and there are no quick fixes or instant answers...and changes will be slow.

Prayers and hopes and blessing have not been answered in the way we hoped for or wanted. Our faith is tired.

We don't blame anyone or anything for his illness. It just is. So its really hard when others blame Grant for choices or lack of faith or whatever ...that its his fault or the ones that blame me as his wife, if I coped better or didn't grow-up with mentally ill parents I wouldn't project "symptoms" on Grant...(if you think I'm kidding I'm not).

Superman needs support NOT silence. The silence is DEAFENING.

Friends have been beyond supportive, expressed sincere love and concern, again and again but others who should be, simply are not....

We don't have the time, energy or desire to fix it for them. But our hearts are heavy and we can't let those, even if family, continue to cause hurt and heartache by hiding behind denial and blame and silence. Grant is sick...its that simple. How are you doing?? How can we help?? Are those questions really THAT hard to ask a Superman?? ...oops maybe I wasn't supposed to blog about that.but the load Superman carries, we carry is too heavy to carry in silence....

We are taking this day by day. Our only goal...keep a superhero working and out of the hospital. So far its working...

But we can't do this in silence anymore....

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New Year....Amen!!!!

All I can say is WE SURVIVED 2012!!!!! I've never been so grateful to say goodbye to a year in my life.
This is pretty much what 2012 felt like....
So...2013 doesn't really have to try very hard to be a better year, so here is hoping it is.
Around here we take one day at a time and on the bad days its an hourly thing, so resolutions don't really work in our reality. But I do have a few plans for 2013.
Tell my kids and husband how much they are loved and appreciated way more often.
Find more things to laugh at. :)
Stop using the treadmill...for laundry.
Write a book...probably a memoir.
So welcome 2013...please be kind to us!