Friday, February 22, 2013

Nine Years

Nine years. Nine years is a long time...Then why do I still find this day so hard? Maybe its that this is the first time as a ture orphan or that my taxes this year involve her pension. Even when I try to forget, I simply can't. My mom died on this day and nobody was there. She was supposed to live several more months, had rallied just days before and Kelli and I gone home, our families needed us. We were home just four days, when mom died.

Her death wasn't a surprise, but the way she died was. A fall, in the bathroom. Ten feet from the nurses station. Critical head/facial injuries. She was gone by the time the nurses found her....

Our world shattered. The years prior to her death, daunting and difficult. Her mind tormented by mental illness, her body losing its battle with COPD. We had lost our mother long before her death.

I had always assumed her death would bring instant peace. It brought a torment, I simply couldn't have prepared for. Guilt, I wasn't there. I even hated her.Grief, why was her life, my life so hard. Heartache, why couldn't I have a normal mother, I figured I wasn't worthy of that kind of love . Anger, the anger was all consuming, I hated how she had treated me. The hurt that continued. There would be no answers or resolutions in this life time. I honestly thought I could never put the pieces together again.

Words did not heal me. The peace I feel now surrounding her death came in pieces, fragments at time and it is only with nine years of perspective that I can see and feel that peace. But anniversary dates still bring a few tears, and probably always will.

I saw on Facebook a few weeks ago, a missionary who served for a while in our ward a couple of years, post...."happy graduation day, mom...I love you." Her mom had died a dozen years before, unexpectedly, some would say tragically. She was still a young girl. But instead of a post filled heartbreak, hers was filled with hope and peace, honouring the day her mom went home to heaven.

Graduation day, I had never thought of it with that perspective before....

Nine years ago today, moms battle was over, she was finally given reprieve from her demons and torment. Her body and mind at peace. A peace I now understand would have never come on this earth. Her graduation day.

There is much peace in that and I will just accept that today might always be a sad one and that's okay.

Nine years is a long time but sometimes it takes even longer to say goodbye.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Sleeping With Darth Vader

Scandalous I know...well not really. See that super hero of mine, has had some teeny weeny rather annoying sleep issues over the last year,  maybe more...Snoring (shakes the house)...Twitching (imagine an epileptic octopus)...Startling...All night long. And exhausted all the time. You should probably get that checked, sweetheart....

He finally had a sleep study done in early January....Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. So neither one of us is crazy; Well... Never mind, I digress.

I have never been so pleased to hear something was wrong in my life.  Sleep Apnea they can help that right? Right. Grant was fitted for a mask and machine today and we are hoping for a miracle. That sounds slightly contrite, but its in all seriousness. Apparently, he has been having the average of 38 "events" an HOUR, during sleep all night long. The poor boy hasn't been sleep, sleeping...

The treatment is expensive and we are unsure still of how much will be covered,(3 provinces cover it, BC is not one of them) but like I said to my Superman, If I had to hire a herd of Despicable Me minions to rock him to sleep every night, I would, gladly.

This could explain so much. Lack of sleep effects EVERYTHING and might be the reason his bipolar has been so resistant to treatment and things have been so rough lately. I just pray that this will help things improve, even slightly. My superman needs this to work, hope of change is waring thin and its been much harder than either of us have admitted.

I am really hopeful that good things lie ahead.

So I'm thinking sleeping with my Darth Vader sounding, epileptic octopus moving, husband might be a thing of the past.

Sleep tight superman and keep praying for that miracle.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Bailey's Elephant

This girl never ceases to amaze us....
Bailey's Senior year art project....
Pictures don't do this justice, the detail and texture is amazing. She created all the colours herself too. She definitely did not inherit her skills from me.
We love it! But might have to build a new house to fit it on the wall ;) I can't wait to say "Look it's our elephant in the room" :)

Sinply amazing Bailey!

So Not A Ninja!

So Holly picks the man child from school yesterday and texts Grant this picture, with the caption...
So do you think he needs medical attention?
Grant calls me and says Holly's on her way home with Dallyn and you need to take him to the ER...Why? 'cause someone kicked him in the hand while, he was protecting his package (has nothing to do with mail). "It was just a game, Mom?" I will never understand boys!
I spend the next twenty minutes searching for D's care card and my bra (TMI, I know). Don't judge me. I find the card and give up on the bra, amen for baggie hoddies. Holly drops us off at the ER and more than an hour later, No obvious fractures, but it looks a bit iffy on his middle finger growth plate. We should hear back after the radiologist reads the x-ray. For now the bad fingers are taped to the good fingers, in true vulcan fashion. ahhh my little padawan (oops that`s star wars).
So not a ninja...right Dallyn?

Thursday, February 14, 2013


That dark haired baby turned EIGHTEEN today! And no one is more surprised than her parents. I never could imagine them as adults and in the blink of an eye, here we are.
She's our tenderhearted, artistic, south paw. That keeps this family kind and loving and thinking of others.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Bailey! Some day you will forgive me for having you on Valentine's Day or at least stop hating pink. We sure do love you!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


Our man child and resident comedian turns 13 today!
I simply can't believe it, where has the time gone? Our baby is no longer a baby and is turning into a fine young man faster than we ever imagined. He's funny, tender hearted and kind. A bundle of energy that never stops moving, I can't imagine us Krazy Kramers without him.
Happy Birthday!!! We love you!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Faith in Nothing

I was pulling my hair out , figuratively and so was my Superman (his, not mine)...Nothing we had tried and nothing we had done for months had changed anything and my superhero's illness just kept taking a stronger and stronger hold. He was hanging on to reality by his finger nails and I was preparing myself for the worst...

Prayer, blessings, fasting and pure plain grit felt like they little if no effect on our lives and we kept reaching a new low.

Our options, at least medically were/are limited and medication only takes you so far...FRUSTRATION was an understatement.

In the days leading up to our visit with Superman's Dr again. I prayed a lot, mostly out of duty, rather than faith. Their wasn't much else I could do. And the impression I had over and over again was nothing, you need to do nothing. But how can nothing help, fix, or change anything...We have to do something? Nothing continued to be the answer.

But the doctor is just going to want to try a new med or the suggest ECT,  that's what doctors do, it's what they are supposed to do. How would he agree to do nothing?, I kept telling myself...absolutely fearing the road ahead.

"Don't throw me under the bus!" Grant says as we enter the doctors office...He always says that. "Of course I won't" I promise with my fingers crossed and a slight smirk on my face. He knows I will completely honest and if that involves a large passenger vehicle, so be it. He's the one that asked me to come with him.

We discussed the last few crazy, out-of-control, roller coaster weeks and then we discussed options...

As each option was discussed each thing was ruled out, for now...Eventually we all came to the decision that we needed to do nothing new, for now. Stick with the one med that works most of the time, with no side effects and see how the illness copes over the next few months. Grant is not the typical patient, but that doesn't surprise me he's not really the typical superhero either.

Nothing is the answer, for now

The last two weeks haven't been perfect, but they have been better. A chance to take a deep breath and get our feet under us again.

Sometimes doing nothing takes all the faith in the world, but I'm glad I listened.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Dog Shaming :)

We have a neurotic jack russell,Tater. He guards waffles (eggo) and pizza crusts, but won't eat them. He won't allow anyone to touch him after 9:30 pm and has the hate on for our mailman...
But yesterday he stooped to a new low....
anyone want a crazy dog? I think he's for sale ;)

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Sex Ed Sucks

I have always signed the consent to have my kids attend the yearly sex ed part of school. I think its funny how embarrased they become when I sign their forms and  say "have fun" or "pay attention". It's a pretty open topic in our house, with nearly five teenagers it can't be any other way. Dallyn announced with a certain gleen in his eye at the dinner table last night "I got a ten out of ten on my sex ed quiz." And Alex thought it was hilarious that her sex ed teacher had the same facts of life pop-up book that we do.:). There is rarely a dinner that goes by with out some penis joke or reference and I still at 38 can't keep a straight face if someone says naked.

That aside, I have strong beliefs and standards about when sex is apporperiate and its not a secret where I stand.  Many who believe what I do would not choose to have their kids attend these classes. I however have felt that sex ed (and many other things) from a public education perspective, is just that another perspective, and gives my kids and I an oppurtunity to discuss what, why and how we believe what we do....It's what works for us.

I was taking a nap (don't judge me) when Alex came in the door from school. "Look what I got in class today!!!" She wakes me from my slumber....

On a button pin the size of a quarter "dancing the horizontal mambo" (with a 1-800# {I looked it up....offering birth control, the morning after pill and std and pregnancy testing} almost unreadable on the bottom)

Alex thought I would find it hillarious. I didn't.

How is a button like that meant to educate? It promotes sex, plain and simple. And has no place in a classroom of 13 and 14 year olds. The 1-800 # maybe? But the text above that is ridiculous and can you imagine what would be at their finger tips if they googled such a term.

Why are we so unwilling to hold our youth to the high standard they deserve and are more than capable of?

It makes me think of this poem (yes it's long but seriously read it.)

The Fence or The Ambulance
Joseph Malines
‘Twas a dangerous cliff, as they freely confessed,
Though to walk near its crest was so pleasant:
But over its terrible edge there had slipped
A duke and many a peasant;
So the people said something would have to be done.
But their projects did not at all tally:
Some said, "Put a fence around the edge of the cliff"
Some, "An ambulance down in the valley."

But the cry for the ambulance carried the day.
For it spread to the neighboring city:
A fence may be useful or not, it is true,
But each heart became brimful of pity
For those who had slipped o’er that dangerous cliff,
And the dwellers in highway and alley
Gave pounds or gave pence, not to put up a fence,
But an ambulance down in the valley.

"For the cliff is alright if your careful," they said,
"and if folks even slip or are dropping,
it isn't the slipping that hurts them so much
as the shock down below-when they're stopping,"
So day after day when these mishaps occurred,
Quick forth would the rescuers sally
To pick up the victims who fell off the cliff,
With their ambulance down in the valley.

Then an old man remarked, "it's a marvel to me
that people give far more attention
to repairing results than to stopping the cause,
when they'd much better aim at prevention.
Let us stop at its source all this mischief, cried he.
"Come neighbors and freinds, let us rally :
If the cliff we will fence, we might almost dispense
with the ambulance down in the valley."

"Oh, he's a fanatic." the others rejoined:
"dispense with the ambulance Never!
He'd dispense with all charities, too, if he could:
no, no! We'll support them forever.
Aren't we picking up folks just as fast as they fall?
And shall this man dictate to us? Shall he?
Why would people of sense stop to put up a fence?
While their ambulance works in the valley?"

But a sensible few who are practical too,
Will not bear with such nonsense much longer
They believe that prevention is better than cure
And their party will soon be the stronger
Encourage them, then with your purse, voice and pen
And (while other philanthropists dally)
They will scorn all pretense, and put up a stout fence
On the cliff that hangs over the valley.

The Best Loved Poems of the American People
I vote fence!


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Tact (what's that?)

Today Grant and I ran into his old coworker while out for lunch....We are into our first few bites, when this person asks across several tables and people...."So did you like step down at work, what's with that???" The hair on the back of my neck instantly stood up. My back was to her. Grant says "no, I chose to take a less stressful position" "Well I guess you wouldn't have handled the stress of the addition..." this woman continues to say...along with several more statements...

Grant was a gentleman and simply answers her prying with "You are probably right"   It took everything for me not to tell this person to shut up be quiet and leave us alone....Its not like my body language wasn't screaming that at her.

Are you kidding me! You know nothing of the circumstances of his choices and are not owed an ounce of explanation. Man some people are so clueless. Its the first time in a while I've wanted to wring someone neck.  I guess tact just can't be taught.

 "That's just what she's like", Grant tells me has we are heading to the car, he knows I am fuming. That's my superhero, always give people the benefit of the doubt. I guess I should too. I'm just a little protective of my superhero. We have been through a lot lately and its just that I know how hard he has worked to not give up. So glad this does not at all reflect our experiances with Grant's work or coworkers, they have been wonderfully supportive as we have battled this illness again.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

I (heart) Primary Music

I love my calling, Primary music is where it's at. No extra meetings, no dealing with big people and I can feed my neurotic {slight} addiction to Pinterest, my laminater and endless craft supplies, all at once. All while teaching kids to love my favourite Primary songs...
This month we are learning "My Heavenly Father Loves Me"...It's my favourite!
First Verse Props
Slide Whistle: Song of Bird
Glasses: Look at blue,blue sky
Spray Bottle: Feel the rain (I know...brilliant)
Fan: Wind as it rushes by, I love the dollar store :)
Second Verse Props

Butterfly Wings: I couldn't find any so I made them, big enough to wear
Wind chime: magical sound f things
reverently we thank thee
Heart pillow: Heavenly Father loves me
I'm also bringing kazoos and all my loud should be fun and reverent  :)

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Grandpa Les/Grief/Groundhog Day

 February doesn't have the best track record around here and I swore this year I was simply going to skip it, but clicking my ruby slippers while saying abracadabra a ton of times didn't work and I'm still here, dang it.
I was doing so good until I across my Dad's number still programmed into the directory on our phone, will trying to find another, today. And then I remembered it was Groundhog Day, dang it, I hate rodents.
For years the best way you could describe the relationship Kelli and I had with our Dad, was Ground hog's Day..... The Movie, not the rodent. Just like in the movie my Dad's conversations with us were stuck on repeat. The same phone call multiple times a day. Dad simply couldn't do anything else. At times it was maddening, at times it was sad and at times it was hilarious. I never knew how much I would miss those calls and miss him.
Yesterday, it was a year ago that we got the call from Adult Protective Services and we were finally able to step in and help my Dad. It was too late to change the outcome, but we were given the gift of a goodbye and one last "I love you too".
February is also the anniversary of my Mother's death, nine years ago now. Time has aloud for some peace and understanding. But I don't think I will ever LOVE February.