My Perfect Family... Talk :)

I spoke in Sacrament Meeting last Sunday, When the bishop gave me the topic of strong family values, I started to laugh, I thought, Shouldn't you find someone a little more qualified....someone who comes from a normal family....doesn't yell at their kids....owns an apron???

And because I had no one to bribe with a milkshake , I wrote the talk myself :) Instead of copying the whole talk here (which nobody wold read any way) I'll post two things, the Cole's notes version....


My favourite quote is by Elder Joseph B Wirthlin.....

“The church is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things, or have perfect thoughts, or have perfect feelings. The Church is a place where imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, and service to each other as we press on in our journey to return to our Heavenly Father.”

I would like to take slight literary licence here and change two words…reading the quote again…..

“The FAMILY is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things, or have perfect thoughts, or have perfect feelings. The FAMILY is a place where imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, and service to each other as we press on in our journey to return to our Heavenly Father.”

In The Family A Proclamation to the World: it says…

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.

Successful families….not perfect families….

I also shared a fb message I had received from my sister the night before...

"Just got a call from Dad's Home Teacher...."

What?? Home Teachers?! My Dad has not been active in the church in more than six decades...But some how his ward in Southern California (the same ward, my sister and I had left 25 years ago) had tracked him down. For the last five or so months his Home Teachers had visited him frequently. These home teachers were able to relay valuable information to my sister about my Dad's last few months in California....these men provided watch care for my Dad, that no one else had been able to do....

Our prayers for help were being answered long before we knew, Never underestimate the value of the work we do as Home Teachers, Visiting Teachers, and as a Ward Family....


At least I'll be off the hook for speaking in Church for six months :)

Cardboard H*LL

We move. A lot. I counted, twelve and now thirteen times in the last nineteen years. See its a lot. No we are not running from the authorities, although no matter how stealthy we are the rug rats still manage to find the new house ;).....

We started packing this week thus entering the period known as cardboard hell....It isn't until I begin putting all our worldly possessions in boxes I feel the full effects of having five don't-you-dare-throw-the-mother's-day-card-I-made-you-in-grade-three hoarders, I mean children. Even with my constant need to dejunk, we have SO MUCH STUFF.

What's with tape and pens, Even on a normal day our house is a vortex for them, but then we start packing, I buy eight rolls of tape and half a dozen magic markers and still spend more time searching for the tape and pens than I do actually packing...

Then there is the dejunking dilemma...will my mother-in-law notice if I get rid of her Christmas gift from 1996?...do we really need two coffee makers (no, none of us drink coffee)....and whats with all the shoes...

At least our time in cardboard hell is limited to the next four weeks...then we will never. move. again. Until next time :)

Admittedly Hard

I think I have some how floated through February...pretending I could handle everything thrown at us. Its hard not to feel overwhelmed...

The last several mornings, my Sister has related to me the increasingly odd and concerning behavior my father has experienced as well as several falls....This afternoon Kelli called me to let me know that Dad was being admitted to the hospital, the first time since his bout with polio over 62 years ago...

Dad has pneumonia, dehydration, and some kind of other infection....his MRI showed significant brain atrophy and other issues, his chest x-ray also concerning...Dad has lost more than 6 lbs in as many days...

I know its a standard question " Would your father want a DNR?" But when Kelli relayed it to me. I started to cry. At least Kelli and I are on the same page and I have a sister that I trust with any decision...

"Should I come??" Its a question I've battled with since the beginning of the month. Kelli knows me well. "Robin, he's not Dad anymore...The trauma might be overwhelming" Watching mom die was horrible, it has left me with some deep scars. "Do what you need to, I will completely understand" We feel its okay for me to wait and see what the next few days bring...

I hate this, I hope that medication and care get him feeling better, but my biggest prayer is that he doesn't needlessly suffer.

Why is this so hard....

The BBBeach is CCCCold

Living on the Island, sunshine is in short supply this time of year. So when it does shine we take advantage of it....

Don't for one second think its WARM when the sun shines, the gale force winds at Kye Bay made it feel well below freezing. Our afternoon beach adventure lasted less than thirteen minutes and by then I could no longer bend, much less feel my fingers...The superman was the only intelligent one among us, he stayed in the car.

I never get tired of the beach....

At the Radar Station above Kye Bay

Let's Just Skip It....

I wish I could just write a funny story about how Dallyn came home and told me all the pick up lines he had learned at school today "My mouth is full of Skittles, wanna taste the rainbow" was the tamest one....sigh. Or how Holly and I went through Mickey D's drive-thru and as we were driving away Holly says "Mom, what's that cool airy feeling...."Holly your window is still down?!" "Oh sorry, it's dark, I couldn't tell"


But February 22 is a day I have spent years trying to figure out how to skip....The anniversary of my mom's death,will never be my favourite day...When I opened my email at six this morning, I couldn't believe what I was reading...

"Just FYI, Dad fell in the bathroom early this morning...Couldn't get up, was like that for 45 minutes before I found him, doesn't have any serious injuries, but is severely confused...I'll let you know after I call the DR..."

What is with the deja vu with my parents...9 years ago this morning my mom passed away after falling in the bathroom while in care...

If this had happened just a few weeks ago in his own home, we wouldn't have found Dad for who knows how long.

A multitude of tests were run on Monday and my sister did manage to get my Dad to his MRI this afternoon, in spite of the early morning drama. A home care assessment will now be done on Friday to help support him until..... Now I am just praying that we can find some answers, that explain his rapid decline and help us find the right level of care...

My crazy, wish- I- had- skipped- day continued....A few important lessons learned...

Kindness softens hearts and fashions friends

Its all in the delivery

Eat your Triple-O's double cheese burger while its still HOT :)

When someone offers to buy you pizza for dinner...LET THEM

Next year I vote Hawaii in February, especially the third week of the month :)

Miracle Worker

I've always since becoming an adult, have deeply respected my sister, but today she moved up to near god like status in my books....My favorite sister was able to get my very confused and often defiant Dad into a doctors office (Kelli's DR agreed to see Dad) for the first time in more than thirty years. Yup, she's a miracle worker.

Dad kicked up a fuss, refused to shower and it was pretty iffy all morning if the said doctors visit would happen...but it did.

They did a full physical, blood work, a confusion and depression test, a chest x-ray etc....he has an MRI on Wednesday and sees the podiatrist....Its a start and I hope that we can quickly be led in a direction that will get my Dad the help he has need for so long.

My Dad apparently tolerated the office better than we thought until the Chest X-Ray and EKG....."Robin, there was cursing, lots of cursing" Kelli said....I started to laugh,{ I too, can say the occasional good curse word :) (you know, child birth, spill kool-aid on the carpet, stubbing a toe) I can't help my genetics ;) } But my sister rarely swears (see, god-like)  PLUS she lives in a very conservative, very Mormon, very small town. "Sorry Kelli, I'm sure they've heard it before..." "I'm not too sure about that"....

I am just so thankful to Kelli and all she has done to bring my Dad home and keep him safe....She is an absolute miracle worker in my books :)

Dallyn`s a Deacon

Today was a special day for Dallyn. He was ordained by his dad to a deacon in the Aaronic Priesthood at Church. He will now participate in the passing of the Sacrament each Sunday. We are very proud of the young man he is becoming. I never imagined that my blue-eyed baby boy would ever turn twelve. Today happened to also be our Ward Conference, so a few of our beloved friends were also there and able to assist in Dallyn`s ordination. Making today extra special. We love you Dallyn!

Singing Above the Storm

Things seem to kind of be piling up lately....mental health, aging parent, teenagers, moving, busy family life. Nothing, on its own earth shattering, just piled together makes some days overwhelming (at least slightly). Its all been cause for a lot of reflection...

A week or so a go I went for a walk on a particularly stormy day (inside and out), it was raining, the wind was howling but I didn't care I needed time and space to clear my mind...

Not too far from home I noticed some thing...The birds were singing....In the middle of the storm the birds were singing....Above the wind and the rain they were singing....

This week, I noticed something in our yard....The crocuses(not sure but I think that's what they are) in bloom pretty early, Why I love the Island...spring comes early here. (By Canada standards)

The prefect reminder that spring is on its way. So regardless how tough it feels right now, spring will come.

 I will sing above the storm and count the days until spring. with the faith that things will get better. :)

Look What Holly Did ?!

So Holly ended up in an art class last semester....her first ever...

She came home today and said "Look what I did!"

The Superman and I said in unison "did you do that by yourself?!"

YES!!!

It's AWESOME Holly!!! At this rate I will never have to buy artwork again :).... I might just run out of wall space. Holly the artist....Who knew? :)

Birthday Blessings

 Its been pretty heavy month....But I always have two reasons to look forward to February. Back to back birthdays Dallyn yesterday and Bailey today. So grateful for the blessings of birthdays.

Like Father, like NERD.....Grant Dallyn wanted lego, so the Superman picked out this StarWars ship-thing...."This is the best gift ever!!!"    I guess great nerds think a like :)


Today was Bailey's day. My hardest birthday kid...She hates anything to do with hearts and pink, doesn't like cake and can't think of anything she wants....So we took her out for dinner.....

Apparently at seventeen an evening out with the parentals, is truly the greatest gift ever....

Guess what Bailey ordered???

Do I have to say it??? Yes Bailey, you do. (prude) We kept asking her what burger she ordered. I thought it was hilarious...Bailey not so much.

Bailey's big @$# burger :) ....Thanks for playing third wheel on Mom and Dad's Valentine's date :) and Happy Birthday Bailey. We finished off with blizzards (because someone hates cake).

I love my birthday angels, thanks for always giving me a reason to love February.

Thank You Primary.

Today I am sure our Primary presidency was high five-ing and jumping for joy. The last of the Kramer rug rats turns twelve tomorrow so today was the last time a Kramer child would  disrupt attend primary.

Considering this is the same little Sunbeam who never made it through a Sunday without being brought to me asleep or running circles around his teacher, I'm amazed we are standing here. I have only served in Primary a handful of times (probably cause I barely like my own children ;)) But I love what the primary program has done for my children and family. My heart is full of gratitude for all those who have loved them, taught them, and sang with them.

Because of primary they know that popcorn comes from apricot trees, that no one likes a frowny face,  that snowman  melt in the sun, to always look for rainbows when ever there is rain, and that we are all trying to be like Jesus.

Because of primary they know they are loved. Thank you Primary.
                                                            

A Childhood Home

Our Childhood Home
1975

I haven't been back to my childhood home in nearly twenty years....Distance, time and life got in the way. Dad always met up with us in Utah or Canada....There was never much pull to return to a house that held many difficult and painful memories, so I let distance time and life get in the way.... 

Our Childhood Home
Now

Dad's situation was much worse than we imagined...Kelli knew it the minute she saw Dad, Monday. Since then my Sister and Aunt have been making the arrangements to bring my Dad back to Utah for assessment and care. Through lengthy phone calls, emails and pictures Kelli has kept me in the loop. I have been surprised at the roller coaster of emotions we have faced. The sorrow of loss...who my Dad once was, his gift of laughter and music, gone...a childhood home that was less than ideal...

This week has not been fun but we have still found things to laugh at....Dad forgetting Kelli had his car and almost calling the police..."Well if mom can call the police on me, I guess it's only fair that Dad can almost do it to you" ....

When we continued to live in this house after my Dad left,( My parents seperated when we were 9, my Dad moved back into the house when we moved to Canada 5 years later) it was a absolute disaster....think Hoarders. I'm not exaggerating. A complete outward expression of mental illness and heartache. The sad part we thought everybody lived that way...

So the pictures Kelli posted only slightly surprised me....I think what is most surprising to both of us is the striking similarities between both Mom and Dad's mental and physical decline...Even though its been 30 years since they resided together...it is surreal.

   

Dad's house now resembles pages out of a children's "I Spy" book....Its an "I Spy" of my life...Not one piece of furniture has moved or changes since we left, 25 years ago...papers and pictures pop out at me, memories of gifts given, concerts performed or enjoyed and trips made....

The tympani drum (bottom right corner) my dad "borrowed" Santa Ana College decades ago...the brown couch my mom lived napped on...the kitchen table ....nothing has moved

Those shelves, pictures of family

The stairs we used to slide down in laundry baskets still covered with the yellow shag carpet from 1971, the rocking chair from when we were babies.

Emotions run the gamete....I have lived in nearly a dozen homes since my parents. Loud, happy, cluttered, funny, busy, peaceful, loving places. Far from perfect, music, laughter and a piano and  china cabinet the only mementos carried forward from the house I left to the home(s) I've created. 

I understand and love my parents, even in the difficulty, the lessons of in patience, compassion and hope have been a blessing to all of us. 

Losing Lynne, Losing Les

"I'll send you a picture." Kelli said, last night after our lengthy phone call. Nothing could have prepared me for the image I saw on the screen this morning.....

Today

Where has my Dad gone? He has aged more than a decade in the last two years. Now a feeble old man. Yet, I am struck by the child-like look in his eyes and countenance, a look I have not seen before. The thought of a once gifted mind now captured by anxiety,fear and confusion simply breaks my heart.  

August 2009 Last visit to the Island (30 months ago)

His decline is startling.....

March 2010 (23 months ago)

November 2010 (14 months ago)

Today

We saw this coming. I wrote about this two years ago. We have tried every way in our power to provide support and help. But how do you help when all offers are refused....
In the last week since APS has stepped in, its been an emotional roller coaster.
Anger-betrayal-gratitude-peace-fear-hope-frustration-sorrow.

I am most grateful for the continual sense that we will be supported through this.

It's simply surreal to think a decade ago we were Losing Lynne (Mom)..... A path I never expected to repeat.

   My only prayer for Dad is that we can get him to a safe place and that he never forgets how much we love him...

How does one cope with the decline of two parents in less than a decade?? Courage, hope, faith, chocolate cake, the Comedy channel and copious amounts of Dr. Pepper...

I hope I always remember that my parents' heartache and struggle in no way defines who they are or were or the bright legacy they leave.

So grateful for my knowledge of forever families and that the peace that cannot be found while here on earth, will be found in heaven. I certainly look forward to that day when I will see each of them again with joy in their hearts.

Saying Goodbye Before It Hurts

An all-American boy meets an all-Canadian girl at Utah State and the rest is history. On a weekend whim the two married in Veags and with brand new teaching degrees in hand they started chasing their California dream....



Mom the pianist, Dad the jazz drummer. Mom drove a '64 Mustang, Dad a '62 VW Bug. A house in the suburbs. Both taught at the same High School. Mom the French teacher, Dad the Marching Band director. They lived an idealic life...Kelli and I came along eleven years later

No one could have ever imagined the effects mental illness and Dad's box wine obsession would have on their lives....

Mom passed away eight years ago this month, nine years ago this month she entered care, it was not her choice. Saying goodbye started years before. Mental illness and COPD had robbed her cognition, independence, ability to find joy, or show love. She suffered greatly. Slowly saying goodbye was the only way I could comperhend  the heartache.

I sit here today heavy hearted ...a deja vu of sorts. My sister arrived in California today. We are required to assess Dad's ability for self care, health and safety A social worker from OC Adult Protective Services called five days ago, after a report was called in... "how soon can you get here, I am deeply concerned about your father"... Only my sister was in a place to run to the rescue.

I have felt this heartache before, and that doesn't make it any easier. The road ahead looks kind of rocky as once again I find myself slowly saying good bye to a parent.

No life isn't fair....But I don't think it's supposed to be. Even through the heart ache I know my life is blessed.  I am loved by the funniest, craziest, most compassionate, Superman , rug rats and friends around...In them I find the courage and faith to keep crawling, skipping, cartwheeling, limping in the right direction.  

Laundry Over-Load

I bet mine's bigger than yours.....

This is what happens when the matriarch at Casa de Kramer checks out for a few days....the laundry self-replicates and we end up with the something that has a base camp. Would I be looked down upon if I locked the least favourite rug rat in the laundry room for a few days???

So having a new washer and dryer does not help me keep up on the laundry ....my hypothesis was wrong...I suck at laundry and.... science :)

Wednesdays Sucketh!

Last Wednesday our dear friends' son was critical injured in a devastating accident....

This Wednesday (Today) I answered the door in my most sexy jammies (it wasn't noon yet), it was a realtor informing that the home owner (we rent) is selling the house (why of course I love moving)....then this afternoon the phone rang...my favourite sister had just got a call from Orange County Adult Protective Services...someone had reported my dad to APS , a social worker had made a visit to my dad and was very concerned....

I officially HATE Wednesdays and vote for their permanent removal from the calender.

I'm not that worried about having to move, although finding a house big enough and a landlord slightly dumb enough to rent to a family with five teenagers and a jack russell can be a challenge...but we have always had pretty good luck in the rental department...keeping our fingers crossed.

I have been praying for weeks that something would force my dad's hand...so I was surprised at the sense of instant betrayal and sadness I felt...I'm grateful someone had the courage to report their concerns, I just wish this could be different.

It was done anonymously so we know few details of the report, but from the social workers visit we know Dad was frail and skinny, didn't know the day of the week, date, or who the president was, and there were concerns about his daily care.

Sadness, fear, anger (dammit, I won the parent lottery)...My heart hurts...But as I reflect on the nightmare our dear friends are experiencing, I remember instantly that my worries are fleeting, really....


 A new house will be found and Dad....

We were comforted and sustained as we walked this same journey with my Mom and I have no doubt that we will find the strength again.

But Wednesdays you owe me an apology, BIG TIME!!!!!