I hadn't even noticed the deflection in my voice until a friendly sister called me on it...
"How can you dispise Mother's Day Robin, when you have all those kids??"
"Yeah I know, I've spent years in counselling and I'm still working on that..." was my hahaha response...
Mother's Day is hard...something like ripping a Bandaid off a sunburn, for me. A day when tender heartache simmers to the surface and tears are never far away...
And no it's not because I am not grateful for the blessings of becoming a mother, I know I have been blessed beyond measure in that department.
It's my mom, well not really its the part where, sometimes we had Mom and sometimes we had an angry stranger...
And mostly the part were the last near decade of mom's life it was nearly always the angry stranger...
Most will not experience the things Kelli and I did.
I no longer blame her for the hurt and agony her illness caused, but for years I did, unable and even unwilling to separate Mom from the illness that ravaged her mind.
I no longer hate her, but at one time I did. I still hate the illness that stole my kind and brilliant mother from Kelli and I...
I have mostly set aside those tragic experiences of more than a decade ago, accepting that my
understanding the why, is it not meant for now...
But there is a sadness and guilt, and probably even a little envy that comes on Mother's Day...
I'm so sorry mom.
I wish things could have been different.
I miss you.
This was comforting to read. I feel this same way about my father. He's still here, but I don't know how to reconcile my feelings.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this.