Kramers Take on Toronto

Some time in the middle of the chaos this Summer, Grant suggested we plan a trip to Toronto to see his brother...I think I mumbled. "sure, as long as you make all the arrangements and we have enough Airmiles"....within hours tickets were booked and plans were set....I would be spending my next birthday in the big city....

Nolan, the kid with Koolaid blue hair I met 25 years is now a Daddy with the sweetest wife ever and a two year old who instantly melts your heart....

They live on a street with tightly packed houses that share front porches, with a small store on one corner and a tiny produce market on the other, it's hassle and bustle had an almost familiar charm. It took me a day or two to place it...it totally reminded me of Sesame Street.

Nolan and Maggie were five-star tour guides and hosts. We need instantly felt at home.

The boys took in a Blue Jays Game....

Grant had a freak out in the elevator of the CN Tower....(instant Karma, eh Grant?)

But oh that view!!!!

The heart melter...

Maggie  and I saw Cirque du Soleil's Luzia....So so so AMAZING!!!!

We crossed Niagra Falls off our bucket list....

It's power and beauty took my breath away....

Toronto's food was out of this world....

Street Meat at the bottom of CN Tower.

Stockyards, this burger was the best I have had ever...still my mouth waters.

Latkies from Claplansky's Deli. 

But the absolute best part of Toronto was hearing this amazing two year old call us Uncle Grant and Auntie Robin for eight whole days and see his mommy and daddy love him to the moon and back. Family is everything.

What a wonderful time we had! We love you guys!

Weight of the World

Today we wandered into our favourite doctors office, the last five years hav made these appointments nearly routine now, well almost...

Superman has done really well lately.  These months of stability have taken a half decade to find, and we are grateful, so grateful for however long this gift is ours...

But our gratitude doesn't change our reality. The reality of a life long, unpredictable mental illness and it definitely doesn't change the fact that managing and treating that illness is sobering at best. Most will never know what it's like to sit in a psychiatrist office and have to make the decision to treat psychosis, even though the side effects are a 75 lbs weight gain, with a bunch of other too-difficul-to-spell one

Side effects thrown in for good measure...but that's less life threatening than the psychosis, so you make choice...

Grant's psychiatrist is one of the best. Kind, compassionate and honest. He makes sure we understand all that we have on our plates, no matter how intense or difficult that conversation is...

So there are moments even during stability that this illness feels like the weight of the world on our shoulders...even if it's just for a moment, I find myself blinking back tears and taking a breath or two to catch my own....

But then I remember we've come this far. And then we some how square our shoulders and lift again and simply carry on. Grateful for all those lifting with us and all the wisdom that comes from heavy loads.  :) <3

Beyond My Own

Occasionally my Superman says something rather profound in between making me watch the new Starwars trailer for the ninth time and his 17 hours into Star Trek marathon (dang you Netflix)....

"You know Robin all you have to be is willing and Heavenly Father will fill in the pieces and make it work."

Between Relief Society, Stake Girls camp prep, mommy-ing and and and and....I have often felt like that plate spinning circus act, except I keep dropping the plates....

And I may or may not have been whining about being overwhelmed at the moment Superman's surprise wisdom stopped me mid complaint...

Oh CRAP Super's right (shhhh we don't need to let him know that, kay?!)...

But in that moment I knew I needed to think differently.

This last week as demands only increased, I decided to watch for the miracles instead of the mountains. And on a particularly rough and ridiculous day I crawled into bed exhausted but amazed that every important demand had been met and in that quiet moment I understood the line from a beloved hymn "finding strength beyond my own" in a new way.

So often in these last six months I have felt strength I knew was not mine alone...the words to speak when I had no idea what to say...the feeling to reach out when no need was obvious..

Yup super IS right...Heavenly Father only asks us to be willing and he makes the rest work out...

Gosh I love my wise Superman.....but how many more times do I have to hear the Star Trek theme song before he runs out of episodes????

Still Bipolar Sundays

A Facebook memory scrolled across my screen this morning and the emotions of that very moment flooded back....

Grant had been rushed to the emergency room from his graveyard shift with breathing/heart issues and I in a moment of desperation had pleaded with Facebook-land for prayers on his behalf.

Oh how I remember the panic and fear of that moment...

My heart somehow knew what my mind would take years to accept, as I sat beside my Superman's gurney that night... I knew my Superman's bipolar disorder had relapsed.

It's a good thing I didn't know then, the journey these last five years would be. That time and time again we would be brought to the brink of hopelessness and fear as an illness raged. That nearly every thing I knew in that moment would change, that prayers would go unanswered and people wouldn't always understand.

I remember praying over and over that night and in the days and months that followed that He would just take it all away, that my Superman would be healed and we could have our lives back....

That never came...

Now there is an acceptance that it won't. Slowly those terrifying feelings of panic and fear have been replaced with education and support. 

I jokingly said recently  "you know he is bipolar on Sundays too, right?" When somebody at church asked why he wasn't there.

Today we are so much better at accepting limits and adjusting our sails. Today, Grant is still as bipolar as ever, but  life feels normal again (normal as in my husband is bipolar, normal as in we love our psychiatrist, normal as in mental illness is what it is). Kramer-normal.

Five years, wow. What a ride. Thank heavens for faith, friends and Seroquel. 

Oh Canada, Thank you.

Alex-Canada Day -2009

It was 28 years ago this summer my mom fulfilled her crazy idea to pack up everything she owned, leave her teaching job of twenty five years, leave California  and take her not quite fourteen year old twin daughters "home" to Canada...

Miracles happened to make this even possible...Dad willing to let us move, a Grandad willing to take us in and friends in government positions who helped us with the right paperwork....

Moms idea was indeed bonkers, but once we survived the Orange County to Lethbridge, Alberta culture shock (stepping back in time a decade or so) and the drastic weather change ( frost bite is actually a thing) and mastered the Canadian drawl, coming to Canada was the best gift my mom, dad and grandad ever gave me...

Leaving the chaos of California behind, our lives slowed down and my Grandad's gift of stability and kindness allowed Kelli and I to have a wonderful time through our high school years. Bless him.

As I sit here celebrating my 20-something Canada day as a Canadian my heart is filled with gratitude for my mom's crazy idea, my adopted country and my five crazy Canucks ....

The Brood-Canada Day- 2013

I love my Canadian home and can't imagine it any other way! 

Happy Canada Day, y'all!

She taught me.

Today I sat in a tiny kitchen visiting with a sweet lady, I haven't known for long, but it feels like we're nearly family...

With each passing sentence,  memories flood my mind. Mostly mom, but dad was there too. How easy a mind goes back to difficult things you've spent years forgetting. 

Aging is certainly not for the weak, bodies and health usually betrays us long before we are ever ready. I never planned on remembering those heart wrenching years with my parents, but there are glimpses all around me...and in an instant my heart remembers the heartache.

But in a moment I reach out to comfort my sweet new friend across a tiny cluttered table. Something years ago I could not muster for my frail mom. Memories that bring pain have also taught a quiet compassion and a tender heart.

I have so often wondered why I have gone through so much...today I felt the spirit whisper, this is why...I needed you to know how to love, your Sisters.

I came home and shed thankful tears and quietly thanked my mom for all she taught me. 

Fitting in.

I've never quite fit in, something I'm totally okay with and kinda proud of most of the time...my family has never fit the mold either, not the one I created with a pretty awesome superhero and definitely not the one I grew up it...

Different is good, right? Different is special, right? Different is exhausting, well sometimes...

What if sometimes, just sometimes you wish you could feel normal, just for a few moments or so...

Normal so you didn't have to ever explain...
Normal so you could blend in...
Normal so you would never be asked what's wrong with you...
Normal so you never knew the pain of stigma...

I sat in a large group and never felt more isolated in my life.

My husband doesn't have a profession anymore an illness out of our control took that away, just as success seemed certain... but as others talk of their husbands jobs and salaries and working too much and climbing ladders, and wanting the next bigger, newer thing... I've got nothing...grateful I can put food on the table.

I listen as others complain about family being too involved, too helpful, parents that are imperfect, having to go to yet another family function... again I've got nothing...wishing I could have just five more minutes with my mom, just five more minutes with my dad....

I listen to others tell me that if their children left the church, the heartache would be the worst thing imaginable and I've got nothing...because I know it's not the heartache they imagine....

I listen as they tell me of some new exercise routine I should try, or hike they've been on, or marathon run, and I've got nothing...accepting that cerebral palsy makes a few things too painful and even dangerous...

I listen as misunderstandings fly about mental illness and treatment choices and that stigma just doesn't exist anymore...and I've got nothing...because keeping quiet is easier than explaining it again, and again and again...grateful that my heart accepts and understands our reality.

Okay so I'm really not talking about them being normal and me being different...what I'm really talking about is judgement and understanding. Different is amazing and awesome when it is accepted through understanding...I don't want to feel normal, I want to feel understood. Something we all want when we don't quite fit in.