Death, illness, moving, job change, facing fears.....
With all that's happened in our lives this last year, some would be surprised to learn that my greatest hurt/heartache (the one that caused the most damage to my heart and soul) was none of those things....
The deepest hurt: someone choose a public manner to attack and humiliate my husband/ family...a complete over reaction to a minor misunderstanding. It devastated us and its timing couldn't have been worse as Grant was still not stabilized from his relapse. It was horrible.
No apologies, told to get a thicker skin and just move on....
I felt deserted and alone with the damage the hurt had caused .... Months and months I have worked on forgiveness, it has only been the last month or so I could see the person and not cry....I was finally at forgiveness.
Then, I was asked to participate in an activity, I was excited to do so...I then realized this activity would require extended direct interaction with the person.... I said no.
I was so mad at myself for not having more courage. Grow up! I was so, so hard on myself. Maybe I hadn't forgiven, like I thought I had.
Then the the thought " Forgiveness is NOT trust, Robin"
I had always thought forgiveness and trust were one in the same....Not true.
So here is what I have come to understand:
We are expected to forgive freely.
I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.D&C 64:10
In fact, if there are conditions attached to forgiveness, its not forgiveness.
But trust, Trust is not a requirement of forgiveness.
Trust is a valuable possession that is earned. Once broken it becomes of even greater value and is not always restored to its original state.
We can wish someone well, pray for them, and even want blessings in their lives. But from a far, without putting ourselves or our in harms way.Coming to understand that difference has helped me be a little more patient with myself.
Grateful for the lesson.